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'I have two weeks to get away from my husband. I need to make a plan.' UPDATED 6X

'I have two weeks to get away from my husband. I need to make a plan.' UPDATED 6X

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There are times when the support of anonymous internet commenters is just what you need in your life.

"I have two weeks to get away from my husband.​​​​​"

My husband and in-laws are follow my main. I, 29 F, have been married to my husband, 30 M, who I'll call Alex. Alex and I met in college during our freshman year. We started off as just friends, and got married seven months ago. I've gotten along with his family, but we aren't super close but we're friendly enough.

The problem is that Alex has begun to make me incredibly uncomfortable. Firstly, he's begun to ask me who I'm meeting with, where, what we plan on doing, how long every single time I leave the house without him.

At first, I just thought he was being protective and a good partner just in case something happened, but then he started checking my phone after the visits, vetting and researching each of my friends as well.

He also has been pursuing me to link my bank account to his, as he's "in charge" of the finances when he was perfectly fine with keeping them separate before. We fight about it almost every day. Finally, yesterday when he was preparing to go on a work trip for two weeks in California, he demanded I wear a tracker so he could keep and eye on me while he's gone.

I can't do this anymore, I feel like I'm suffocating and his family who I've spoken to about his worrying behavior just said he's being careful and protective as a good husband should. I need to gather my things together and find a way to be gone before he gets home without tipping him off. He's always threatened that if he ever found me cheating on him he'd turn in divorce papers the same day.

He keeps a filled out copy in his desk. I'm going to submit those the day I leave. But there's so much to do, Bergen finding a new place to live, seeing if my job has any transfers available, packing and moving in two weeks. His return flight May 11th, so I need to move quickly. I'm posting here because I don't have any close family, and I can't risk dragging my friends into this as we share the same friends.

I just needed a place to vent, and ask if anyone has any advice on the easiest and safest way to do this?

Not long after, OP shared an update.

Edit: Oh my god you guys are amazing! I never even thought to not use his divorce papers. I'll check for cameras before I start any packing or prepping. I may also shred his divorce papers just in case and look into getting a lawyer for myself. I'm in a no fault divorce state, that much I so remember which will help.

I'll update again when I know more. The tracker he wants me to use is a small clip to put on the belt or waistband. I'll wear it unless I'm going or doing something related to me leaving. No pets yet thankfully.

People in the comment section had a lot to say.

naomi15 wrote:

Do not take his divorce papers to submit! Who knows what agreements or stipulations he put in there! Get a lawyer and do your own ASAP!

aquavenatus wrote:

First, contact your job and tell them your situation. They might have “an immediate job opening” for you. Second, contact any nearby DV shelters and ask them for assistance with your plans. Last, file a police report so they know what’s going on; and, so your STBX cannot file a missing person’s report for you. Good luck.

FinalTechnology104 wrote:

For checking on hidden cameras in your home, at night with all the lights off, and in total darkness, turn your phone camera on, look through the screen as you walk around your home, and look for any red to purple dots all around the rooms.

My DirectV remote that I practiced with pointing the end of it and pressing buttons, gave off two little purple ish red dots as a practice run. Go around the rooms/bathrooms and point your camera everywhere, including the smoke detectors. If you see a light whether it’s flashing or not, especially any Knick knacks, new clocks, phone chargers!, plush toys etc., then you’ve found your cameras.

In the bathroom, especially take a look at the bathroom fan on the ceiling fan take the grate off to look for a camera. Behind clothes too in an open closet in your bedroom. You gotta do a sweep because if he’s going as far as wanting you to wear a tracker, then you can assume he’s already got cameras all over your home. Especially since he knows hes going to be gone two weeks.

RedReaper666YT wrote:

All important documents (ID, Social Security Card, birth certificate, car title, etc.) in your purse as of yesterday. Only take what you absolutely can't live without; anything else come back for with a couple big scary looking family members or friends AND with police on standby just in case.

IF YOU HAVE PETS take them because he's likely to do something to them to get revenge on you if you don't. Any contact with him going forward needs to be done through text, email, or a lawyer so if he makes threats towards you they'll bite him.

PsychologicalSalt505 wrote:

Check your phone, computer and any possible electronics for keyloggers or Spyware and change ALL of your passwords and turn off location sharing if you have it. Then get a new phone if possible. Check any luggage or bags you have for trackers. When you leave take your car to a mechanic and have them sweep for trackers.

If he is an emergency contact for anything including drs, dentist or work change that immediately. As someone above posted make sure to have all your important documents with you and also make sure to contact your bank to let them know that he absolutely does not have permission to access your accounts and also and credit cards if you have them.

Close the account if possible and switch to a new bank. Also take any sentimental things you can. Take your pets as well and if they are chipped call your vet to change the address to them if possible and put/change the password on the account for the chip and the vet.

Cancel any automatic shipments to your house for reoccurring purchases. I'm so sorry your going through this but you can do it. Also do not tell anyone that knows him that you are planning to leave as you never know. Remember the most dangerous time is when you are leaving a relationship!

He will beg and promise to change but he will NOT do it! He will try to say anything to get you back in his control. Do not fall for any of it. I worked in a dv shelter for 3 years and these are all the things I can remember right now. I will update if I think of anything else. He also might have put cameras up inside and around your house without your knowledge.

The next day, OP shared another update.

So I've gotten a lot of support and helpful advice along with questions I thought I should clarify before I proceed with the update. Some asked why I'd be 'hiding' things from Alex regarding going out and who I'm meeting with. I don't, and I have nothing to hide. However when he begins to then double check everything I tell him with the other people there right down to each person I talked to and what I said.

Did I send any text msgs, did I order food, how much did I eat, that's when it started to feel like I was slowly being pushed into a corner. It didn't start that bad, but gradually grew worse overtime. All of the subs my in-law's families are part of are related gardening and diy so I highly doubt they'll see this, if so by the time they do, I'll hopefully be gone. I talked to my job and explained things to my manager.

And they promised to look into openings in other states to see if they could get me into one. They'll have an update on that in three days. I trust that my bank account us secured, considering he's tried to get into it before and failed. I found one camera in the kitchen, another in the living room and one in our bedroom.

As such, I've left them in place for now and done all other planning, either in the bathroom pretending I'm taking a bath. I'm honestly staying away from the DV services as my sister-in-law is unfortunately higher up in those considering she volunteers there and I have a feeling if I did show up there, they would know in a heartbeat.

I can't look for apartments until I get the update from my work, but either or i'm still gonna be leaving the state. The day before I do I will be changing my number carrier and wiping my laptop and all of his electronics before I do. I've met with two lawyers so far and had them look over the paperwork. My husband had prepared and both said that it did it have some clauses in it.

That could have caused me some trouble down the line. What alarmed all of us close the fact that several of those clauses dealt with future children, and not as a hypothetical. Like several hair suggested I have a feeling he fully intended on getting me pregnant to keep me trapped and tied to him.

There are three other locations. My job could send me to and I have. As a precaution Begun looking into all 3 cities and housing in the areas. Just in case one of those, this is the one they send me to. Even if they don't have an opening that they can push me into then I will just have to quit, move and figure things out on my own.

I have enough money to live and survive for a few months until I can pick up another job. Unfortunately all of our friends are mutuals and would likely be unaware of the consequences of saying or sharing anything I do or say with my husband. I don't have any surviving close family and obviously my in laws are not a good resource to rely on.

I am on my own unfortunately, other than the wonderful bonds, I've begun to make here. I will update again if I get more information or something else happens. Otherwise all update when my work gets back to me. I do plan on leaving before he returns, though. Just to make sure that I'm not anywhere near here at that time.

The commenters had OP's back.

aquavenatus wrote:

Forget the hidden cameras! The clauses he had written into the divorce papers are extremely troubling. God Forbid you did sign those papers, I don’t believe for a moment that your STBX would have found a way to get you pregnant, with or without your consent.

I know you’re pretending you didn’t find the cameras, but I would change clothes either in the bathroom or in the closet. This way he can’t threaten you with naked photos of you later on. Also, make sure all of your essential documents are on you just in case you leave quicker than you planned on leaving. I hope you hear back on the new location by tomorrow. The sooner the better. ~10 days remaining.

Lynnphotos84 wrote:

Yikes! Your husband sounds like a psycho! I'm glad you are taking steps to get out. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could help you myself 🥺 Is there anyone at your work who can help set you up somewhere? Have you gone to the authorities and told them about the situation? This sounds so dangerous and life threatening to you!

Geezell wrote:

Good luck OP. Wishing you stealth and security in the coming days, weeks, and months.

BoopityGoopity wrote:

Please check all the items you’re taking for trackers. Including your shoes, linings of bags, etc. If you have an Android phone, there are apps you can download to determine if there’s a hidden Apple Airtag.

Upbeat-Adorablisa wrote:

Reading about your situation gives me an eerie chill and is almost like it could be a modern time version of the movie “Sleeping With The Enemy." Please be careful OP. He currently has you wearing a tracker and is spying on you via camera. There is no telling what he may do once he loses his sense of control.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

Good news! My work has an opening I qualify for that will not only shift me across the country, but also comes with a salary increase as well. I've started telling my in laws and friends that I'm planning a surprise outing for when my husband gets back for just the two of us. This way, people don't give me odd looks if they see me out and about.

I've even gone as far as asking MIL to show me his favorite recipes. Meanwhile, I've found a moving company that while small is willing to work in a storm. The reason is in five days, we're supposed to get hit with a large storm front. I plan to shut off the breaker and say we lost power if he asks just as several people here suggested and even send him a short clip of the storm.

I will have all of my stuff moved that afternoon, and I will be flying out once the weather has cleared enough to do so. I have a lawyer who will push my divorce through, and I've filled out the necessary paperwork so that I don't have to be here for it. I'm not suing for assets or alimony and I've shredded his divorce papers as well.

I've set up a cheap payphone plan through cricket until this is all said and done at which point I will find a new carrier, number and phone. This one is being wiped and left behind. My laptop is provided by my work, and the IT department inspected it thoroughly and it was clean thankfully. No other electronic aside from my laptop and new phone will be coming with me.

If Alex needs to talk to me, he can do it through my lawyer. Not sure if anything else will happen, my fingers are crossed that he doesn't think anythings amiss until after I leave - and I'm not turning the breaker back on when I do. He can when he gets home. My work is covering the plane ticket, so that at least is one expense I don't have to finagle in.

The comments kept coming.

Vox289 wrote:

Rather than pulling the power breaker, unplugging the WiFi router/modem would be sufficient. Small cameras like that are wireless with possibly an sd card backup but they’re not hard wired to the internet and the internet being down is easier to pull off than the power being out since most power companies have live outage maps.

zoeheriot wrote:

As someone who has done this, I have to applaud you for having the courage to do it. I left my awful husband in 2017 when an opportunity opened up in my company to go from Georgia to Arizona. I secretly packed everything I owned and brought it to my office to store until my move.

Then I scheduled my direct deposit to shift to my new bank account, and made all the other changes to separate us. Seven years on, it remains the very best decision I've ever made. I hope everything goes smoothly for you!

Treehorn8 wrote:

I'm very proud of you for recognizing and planning to escape him. And I wish for your safety. No one deserves to be monitored like a prisoner in their own marriage.

A week later, OP shared another update.

It's been a busy week, but I've gotten so much done. Firstly, I am now out of the house and am currently in a hotel while I look for an apartment. It's a big city, bustling with people no matter where you look. We had a pretty bad storm system hit back home, that actually lasted two days.

High winds, thunder, lightning and even hail everywhere. I didn't take much from the house, my documents, clothes and important sentimental items. I left all of the furniture and electronics behind. I cleaned the house top to bottom and took pictures on my phone so he couldn't claim I damaged anything when I left.

My lawyer has already started divorce proceedings, and my husband will be served on the 8th. His plane is due to land early morning, and the sheriff will be there at the house waiting for him. He is very much about public appearances and reputation. My lawyer will be calling him as well to inform him that I'm more than willing to air out everything to the public about his actions if it means securing my freedom from him.

I will go to court as long as I must to get this pushed through. I haven't told our friends or his in-laws yet, I will do that while he is on the flight to prevent him from getting wind of it before he's handed the divorce papers. I will be calling around and explaining why we're getting divorced, to try and prevent him from twisting this into somehow being my fault.

I don't want him trying to claim I had an affair or something so I want to get the truth out before he can twist this. I'm...doing okay. I'm tired, but yet I feel almost jittery and off-kilter. I keep looking over my shoulder and monitoring what I say even when I don't really need to anymore. Hopefully that will fade soon. My work is covering the cost of the hotel, and I'm working on getting my other things in order.

I also need to find a new GP as I want to get a full test just to make sure everything is okay. I don't know when my next update will be, probably when the divorce papers are filed or if we have to go to court to push them through. I will try to keep my head up, but it feels like I'm in a whirlwind or something with so many things to do and think about.

I kinda thought it would be easier once I got out of the house but while the fear is smaller, somehow the number of tasks only seems to have grown.

The internet was proud of OP.

zoeheriot wrote:

I am so glad you updated! Please keep us posted on the goings-on. I know when I left my husband in a very similar way to how you are, I was in a constant state of panic for two weeks and didn't even realize it. I could barely catch my breath and everything was dizzying. You are so strong for doing this. I love this for you. <3

nothedefaultname wrote:

Don't text everyone with your new number OP, find a method that doesn't tie to a specific device/IP/new location, or have your lawyer send out a mass letter from their office. You can't trust your friends or family - especially not his in-laws to not pass your new contact to him.

brooish wrote:

Such a relief to see your update that you’re safe OP 💛🤞 you’ve got this, keep pushing through your to do list, you are accomplishing your best life girl.

A week later, OP shared another update.

Sorry I haven't updated for a while, things got hectic and a bit chaotic honestly. Firstly, I'm working on getting an apartment still and have applications in at three different places and will hopefully hear back from them soon. I'm still going into work here at the new location, so I don't have to worry about burning through my emergency savings completely.

I've gotten a lot of emails from Alex, his family and our old friend group asking question after question. I have only sent one return email to Alex, explaining that I don't believe we are truly compatible, and it is best we separate now. That his treatment of me when I'd done nothing to deserve as such was just as much of a deal breaker as cheating was for him.

I ended the email with the statement that I would not be contacting him further and anything else he needed to pass on to me or vice versa would be done through my lawyer. For his family and friends, I just typed up one email outlining everything that had happened and why I left. I told them I wished them no ill will, but that such treatment of his wife and partner was not acceptable.

That should Alex get remarried in the future, I wished they would help support both partners and not just Alex. Alex, from what my lawyer told me, was livid when he was served. The sheriff actually ended up booking him for a$$ault on an officer and menacing due to the things he was shouting.

His father bailed him out in a few hours, but with the testimony of the sheriff, my lawyer believes I have a very good chance at getting a restraining order. Alex, upon returning to the house, apparently lost his temper again, breaking the dining table into pieces as well as the tv, and putting several holes in the walls.

At least that's what one of the emails from one of our friends reported as Alex called him to help him clean up the mess.

My lawyer already has pictures of the house I took, with timestamps as evidence nothing had been damaged by me.

My friend reported that Alex tried to claim I'd been the one to trash the house but the holes in the wall were at head height - Alex is 6'3", and I'm 5'4" so he knew that was false. Either way, taking the pictures definitely will help me so again thank you everyone here for the advice because I never would have thought of that on my own.

My work won't share details of where I am, as I do work with some higher end clientele who value security and that information won't be gossiped about and no, I'm not some dancer or escort. I deal with contracts, notary and business management. As such, even if Alex tried to use my work to find me, he wouldn't succeed.

Internet strangers continued to offer support.

Any_Broccoli_6414 wrote:

Yikes the fact that he blew a fuse and started destroying things really is a red flag I'm glad you left before he would've ever snapped and ended up hurting you. I hope your life gets better from here on OP you deserve it good luck!

T-man45 wrote:

Sounds like you made the right choice, stay safe.

supa_get_ti wrote:

I was just reading this,and now reading the 4th update, I'm so relieved you got out of there and you made amazing use of the two weeks. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and also props to covering all your bases with pictures of the place before you moved out. Fingers crossed you never ever have to see or deal with that loose canon again.

Lightsider wrote:

Super glad you're safe. Now your next job is staying safe! Your soon-to-be ex-husband has a vicious personality, so it's not paranoia to take heavy precautions. Please consider the following: Get a P.O. box for the time being. There are ways to track you down, and if you've forwarded mail he can simply mail a package with a tracker in it to your old address, hoping it will be forwarded to you.

If you still have a phone that was on a shared account, or an account that he had knowledge of or access to, discard it immediately and get a new phone on a new plan. Many phone plans have options where phones can be tracked. Keep photos, information, etc. on social media non-existent. You'd be shocked at what people can find out about others just from the backgrounds of the photos they post online.

Be very, very, very careful on who you let know where you are. He knows your family members, and they might be sweet-talked into revealing more than you want them to. Even a city or state narrows down his search parameters if he wants to find you. Let anyone who knows where you are very clearly about the danger you are in.

Tell them that you will consider any communication with your ex, no matter how innocuous or brief, to be a major betrayal. It's better to lose a friend or to go no-contact with a relative than to risk your life. Keep your head on a swivel. Be attentive to who may be watching, following or observing you. Don't fall into patterns that make your schedule predictable.

Consider carrying protection, such as a taser or pepper spray. Only consider a fire*rm if you're willing to put in the time and effort to learn to use one defensively. It's a lot more work, knowledge and practice than other people think, and if you're untrained, you run the very serious risk of having it taken from you and used against you by him.

Your ex has a history of controlling and physical behavior, and now the mask is off. He will be unpredictable and danger*us. Take every possible precaution. I'm sorry if all of this sounds paranoid, but I've had too many friends in this situation. Good luck, OP, and please keep us updated!

Edited: Your lawyer should know this, but there might be a difference between a restraining order and a protective order. Get the latter, as it carries cr*minal penalties if violated. Also, in some places a protective order has the option to conceal the address of the person asking for the order. Make sure your lawyer is asking for both in this case.

Less than two weeks later, OP shared another update.

It’s been a little bit, and I thought I’d answer some questions before giving my update. It may be a while after this until things change. Firstly, no I didn’t bring my car. The public transport here is good enough to use without needing one. I have secured an apartment, and the building has good security.

You need a key card to enter, and there is a security guard at a desk right by the entrance to the building. As part of my contract, I gave them a photo of Alex and his family so that even in the off chance they do find me, they won’t be let in. The responses I got from the emails varied. His family said I was overreacting, and that I owe Alex an apology for the problems this has caused him.

The pending charges puts him at risk of losing his job if he’s convicted. Alex sent a long email, apologizing and pleading for me to come home. He said he was worried for me, that he is willing to go to therapy if it will appease me. He wants us to remain together, and he didn’t think leaving was an appropriate response to his genuine concern and worry for my health and safety.

The friends gave somewhat lacking replies, saying that they didn’t think Alex was ever going to hurt me and that I shouldn’t be letting my imagination run away wild. As much as I want to say I was surprised by the lack of support, I’m honestly not. He intends to fight the divorce. I am letting my lawyer handle it, and I am also pursuing a protective order as well. Once I got approved for my apartment, I also froze my credit.

I’ve changed my phone carrier and number, as well as making sure none of my documents list Alex as next of kin or POA. Some have asked why I was so paranoid about Alex and his possible future actions. The answer for that actually is somewhat simple – my grandmother. I loved that woman to bits. As a teen, she explained why my grandfather was never around.

He was extremely a***ive and manipulative, and her generation didn’t allow divorce really. She wouldn’t have been able to buy a house or get a good enough job to support her and my mother on her own. As such, she endured it, shielded my mom as she could until my grandfather died.

When I felt like I may have been overreacting, I remembered how she’d said she’d always wished she’d been able to see grandfather for what he was early on when she may have been able to annul the marriage. I don’t know when I’ll update again, maybe when the divorce goes through or if something big happens but until then, I’m just trying to keep my head above the water.

The internet continued to have OP's back.

big_bob_c wrote:

Glad to her you're doing well and safely away from him. If you didn't mention it to the alleged friend group, I would send a follow-up that Alex baited you with divorce regularly, and had a filled-out set of divorce papers as a prop. He valued your marriage so little that he used the threat of ending your marriage as a tool to micromanage your personal behavior, you have taken that lever away.

As far as his alleged reasons for wanting to keep close tabs on you, it's common for cheaters to accuse their partner of the same. So get tested, you have no idea who or what he has been doing on his business trips.

driftwood_and_waves responded:

Replying just gives more fuel for Alex. Anything OP says, even to the friends will get back to him. He will twist it and use it for his benefit. Not replying will piss him off because she's not giving him any control. He can't use what she says against her or gauge where she is emotionally etc so he can plan his next step.

Not replying, not reacting, not giving any more information to anyone associated with him, or anyone except her lawyer just to be safe, and having all communication go through her lawyer will make him seeth.

By staying silent, and healing and doing better she is winning. But I hella agree with getting tested for all the things. Go get blessed by a holy person or sage yourself and your things just to get all the ick out.

MoneyPound1614 wrote:

Glad to hear you are still safe and things seem to be moving in the right direction. You are an incredibly brave and strong woman. Your grandmother would be proud of you.

No-Needleworker2706 wrote:

I'm so sorry that you did not have much support from the people in your life, but rest assured you absolutely did the right thing. He was displaying very clear signs of a**se and manipulation. You are so incredibly strong for what you have accomplished.

I hope the other women going through similar situations come across your post and find the strength to do what you did. I wish you all the best in your new life, you deserve nothing be peace and happiness!!

Sources: Reddit
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