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'WIBTA if I confronted my husband for crying in the bathroom after seeing his ex?' UPDATED

'WIBTA if I confronted my husband for crying in the bathroom after seeing his ex?' UPDATED

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"WIBTA if I confronted my husband for crying in the bathroom after seeing his ex?"

My husband and I met 2 years ago. He proposed six months later and told me he knew I was the one when he met me and that he didn’t want to waste time or lose me. I was (still is) head over heels and agreed. We have been married for 6 months and expecting our first baby.

Last weekend we bumped into his ex. They were together for 9 years but she ended the relationship when he didn’t take the relationship to the next level. When we got engaged and married my husband texted her to tell her and to apologize and talked about fate and how some things aren’t meant to be.

I remember asking him why, he said that he owed it to her that so she doesn’t hear it from other people and not be prepared. They broke up 3 years ago (edit not 4; it was October-December 2021; bad math).

She was pregnant and holding hands with a kid that could be 7 or 8 years old and she was with a man who was obviously her partner and they were very affectionate towards each other. My husband said hi even though we could walk by unnoticed by them but he insisted to talk.

When we got home I heard him crying in the bathroom. Now he has been depressed and distant the whole week. I realized he must’ve written to her after we got home and he showed me his phone and yes he has.

Again apologized for what he did and told her that some things are not meant to be. Would I be the ah if I confronted him about what’s going on? Why is he doing this?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Ok_Perception1131 said:

It sounds like he misses her. I would be heartbroken if my husband felt this way about another woman. I’m sorry.

Denethorstomato92 said:

NTA. I would lose a little bit of respect for him in this situation. He was the one that failed to move forward in his previous relationship. Now he’s got “one who got away” syndrome. He needs to be the mature one and be happy for his ex as she now has the family and life she wanted. He needs to value what he has now right in front of him before he ruins another relationship/family.

3bitaites said:

NTA. I think the current language for what you're experiencing is "dream girl" vs. "placeholder". You already know the answer to your own question, but you're here to make sure you haven't gone crazy. Which you definitely haven't.

You're right to feel hurt and suspicious. Sending those messages is so disrespectful. It's just him trying to get her attention, anyway. And he's trying to get an in with a married woman with children. Yikes.

By all means talk to him, but please do yourself a favor and put your own feelings above his tears. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't actually love you, it's time you can spend looking for someone who does or looking after yourself and your baby, when they arrive.

roshidawg23 said:

NTA. I’d just ask straight up...Do you plan to resolve these unaddressed emotions in therapy and commit to me fully so we can both have peace of mind? I feel like that’s reasonable. If not...I’m sorry but better now than years later you find this out.

Electric-Fun said:

The fact that he keeps reaching out to her tells me he's not over her. He keeps trying to establish contact. He wants her attention. I'm curious what her responses have been. But you are NTA, OP.

Admirable_Witness_82 said:

NTA. He may have loved her. But when someone can't commit to you after nine damn years what is that love really worth. If you are both adults when you meet what was taking so long. I think being the one kicked to the curb is what's gnawing at him. And knowing after all this time she still made the right decision.

Later OP updated her post with this:

I didn’t expect this tbh. Thank you for your comments. I showed my husband a very well written comment (see below) that expressed my feelings and doubts better than I ever could. And I have decided to leave.

NTA, but it sounds like that cliche story.

Guy is happy with status quo and keeping the gf around for 9 years and while he says he’s open to the idea of marriage (to string her along), he believes it’s unnecessary and doesn’t actually make plans to get an engagement ring or pop the question. He just assumes if he runs the clock, she will be stuck with him for life

His Ex decides that she’s had enough of his placating words and realizes if she wants to get married and start a family, it can’t/won’t be with him. After she takes charge of her life and dumps him, he begs her to take him back and that he will give her the ring and wedding that she wanted, but it’s too little, too late. Curtains close on this relationship.

He takes a year or so to heal, and then finds you, who checks off most of his boxes and instead of risking the same thing happening again, he proposes to you in six months of dating and everything happens at warp speed because he has learned from his last serious relationship. Don’t leave it up to chance. Don’t string someone along.

Him bumping into his ex make him realize he still had feelings for the “one who got away”. That if he hadn’t been so stubborn and slow about getting a ring and making his ex happy, that could have been him.

"Again apologized for what he did and told her that some things are not meant to be." He keeps telling himself that because it’s easier to blame fate and absolve himself about being a shit boyfriend who was wasting her time and ruined the relationship singlehandedly. I’m glad his ex got her happy ending.

I’m sorry your marriage is starting to show cracks because your husband may be incapable of love and had a hidden agenda when marrying you. He might have married you to “prove”to his ex he could commit (like when he texted her about the engagement), rather than because of his deep and lasting love for you.

OP responded to the comment above:

Hi again! I hope you read this! So I showed my husband this comment and I told him that this was basically how I feel things were but that someone else wrote it better. First he got upset and defensive then he started arguing and telling me to leave him alone (I have, for a week been nothing but supportive and leaving him alone)

Then he started crying and asked to read it again. He sat silent for like in like 15 minutes reading it but not once did her deny or try denying it or call me crazy or at least tried to explain.

If I know myself, this is over. I don’t play second fiddle. I don’t do consolation prize and I absolutely am not going to have another woman being the main character in my own story. So I told him this was over and that I need a break to sort out my feelings but that this will eventually end in divorce because I know myself very well.

He didn’t say anything, ANYTHING. Just sat silent. I know his type. The only way he will realize my worth is when he has lost me. Just like he did his ex. People like him are frugal with their feelings.

He strung her along because he didn’t want to give her all of him then he turned around and gave me exactly what she wanted but deprived me from exactly what I wanted that he gave her. Men like him will never give all of themselves because he probably thinks he would lose control if he gave all of him to a woman. What a waste of a man.

Sources: Reddit
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