'AITA for telling my pregnant wife I don't need her validation after her childlike behavior?'

I ignored my pregnant wife for giving me the silent treatment over ice cream.

IgnoringSilentTreat writes:

I (35M) am a professional and right now very busy. My wife (32F) is pregnant and has her emotional and physical struggles. Add a scoop of annoyance and silliness too. Frankly, I’m too tired sometimes, and I need to know if I did anything wrong here.

Wife has her fair share of mood swings and hormonal cravings, and we try to get by, most of the time, EXCEPT when she expects me to read her mind. It’s a constant point of our discussions initiated by her because she feels I don’t do stuff for her unless asked, which I disagree with. I bring her flowers, I will plan our dates, and I will give her a massage out of the blue when I’m feeling like I want to show my love for her.

On the other hand, she expects me to have the clairvoyance to know she’s craving a box of donuts when she calls me to work saying, “I wish I had something sweet to eat; all the cookies are finished” or “I want to fix a chicken sandwich right now, but there’s no patties left.”

You see where I am at? She feels that this is her way of communicating things with me and if I really loved her and knew her, I’d understand. I disagree with her and tell her she needs to be direct with me if she wants me to bring home something for her. This is followed by her disappointed look and heavy sighs.

Recently something similar happened, and she got angry at me as to why I didn’t offer to drive her to get some ice cream for her after dinner. This time, I didn’t sit and listen to her blame me and told her if she is going to act like a child, maybe she’s not equipped to be a mom yet.

This must’ve cut deep, but I am honestly exhausted by her behavior and I really don’t want to put so much unnecessary pressure on myself. I want a partner. Pretty sure babies can’t communicate with adults, and it’s up to me as a dad to understand if they are crying because they are hungry or sick or uncomfortable. I don’t want my partner who expects the same as a baby.

Maybe the reason I don’t prioritize what she says she wants is that, honestly, during the workday, I have a lot on my mind, so anyone just venting to me or a simple text isn’t something I retain in my memory for long.

So after what I said, my wife just has been giving me the silent treatment, and I am not going to grovel when I know I’ve done nothing wrong. I simply ignored it, and it has been 3 days now, and I’ve gone on about my day like nothing happened.

Clearly, the lack of attention and concern for our negligible communication has an effect on her, and she’s been demanding an explanation from me if I even care about our relationship. I told her that I’m not bothered if she’s upset right now over something that shouldn’t even be an issue, and I don’t care about her validation anymore. She teared up, looked at me with shock, and went back to our room. Did I go too far?

Here are the top comments:

leahfinn1 says:

NTA (Not the A%@^ole) for not grabbing something without being asked to. I'm 31 with #4 and no way on earth can anybody be expected to know "I want something sweet" to mean "get me some donuts please".

Now, maybe "we're out of chicken patties" could mean "pick some up please", but is it that hard to actually say that ? It's not to me, even heavily pregnant. If I need something picked up on his way home to avoid a PITA trip out myself, I text my husband a list. If I have a craving I can't shake, I point blank ask him to snag it.

It's not hard to ask directly instead of beating around the bush. (That being said, when you know she does this regularly you could point blank ask her "do you want me to get you something sweet on my way home?

Yes? Cool, have a think on what exactly you want thats sweet and text it to me before X time and I'll pick it up." Or "oh no not the chicken patties! That does sound good. Want me to grab some for dinner?" Modeling the direct communication you want/need her to use may help here.)

Furthermore, the silent treatment for days is immature AF on her part. Sure, if she's upset she should take an hour or two to calm down. Hormones and mood swings are HARD and keeping quiet until you calm down is, IMO at least, a REALLY good way to avoid saying something you don't mean and something I try to utilize myself... AFTER I tell him I'm doing so. You don't just stone wall your partner for days on end.

That being said the comment of her not being ready to be a mom was pretty shitty and puts you squarely in AH. Nobody is ever truly ready to be a parent. She's got poor communication and bad problem solving. Most adults do.

Could she use some counseling sure, I think everybody could especially with obvious issues like this and especially in high stress situations like pregnancy. Could yall use some couples counseling to learn to communicate effectively between the two of you? Sounds like it 100%. But that doesn't mean she shouldn't have her baby.

I'd have absolutely shut down at that comment for a bit myself. I can guarantee you that she's already doubting her ability to be the mom she wants to be, and comments like that from anybody but especially you can put her at a higher risk for PPA and PPD. Postpartum AND prenatal. I'd watch her after that comment if I were you.

I'd also apologize, though it won't fix the gut punch you gave her with that. That gut punch comment is likely where the "do you even care?" Question for her came from. You hurt her, badly, with that comment. You could have easily just said "if you wanted ice cream, ask.

I need a break/time out as I'm getting upset. Seems we both are. Let's take a beat and talk about it in half an hour or so when we've calmed down." Again... model the communication you seem to want. Don't just tell her, show her.

Siennagiant70 says:

Tit for tat is terrible for relationships. You’re both TAH (The A%^#ole) for how you’re treating each other. Be adults and communicate, good or bad.

What do you think?