'AITA for insisting on a DNA test and saying my marriage is over regardless of the result?'
"AITA for insisting on a DNA test and saying my marriage is over regardless of the results?"
Calsiryiuri writes:
My wife (28f) and I (29m) have been together for 11 years and married for 4. We’ve known each other even longer, and I thought we were happy, on the same page, and that most of all, we respected each other. But over the last few months, and even in the past year if I really think about it, I can see that things have changed.
My wife is pregnant with our first child, or at least she’s supposed to be. During her pregnancy, I’ve noticed the biggest changes in her. She invited her best friend to every ultrasound scan so far, and as soon as they were done, she would rush me off to work or tell me to go somewhere else because she wanted to “plan for the baby” with her best friend.
But when I tried to plan things with her another time, she would shut me down with excuses like being busy, tired, or not in the mood to talk about the baby. That would be fine if I didn’t hear her talking about the baby with someone else just minutes later on the phone.
She has also been texting and calling my brother (27) a lot. She’s talked about baby names with him, even though she’s shut me down every time I’ve tried to bring it up. There have been nights when I’ve woken up at 2 a.m. and seen her texting him. I once saw a message thread where they had made a long list of baby names together, and she was talking to him like he had a say in it, while she treats me like I have none.
I told her that I was starting to feel like an outsider and that I wanted us to plan for the baby together, even if she included others too. She said I was nagging her and asked why I couldn’t just wait for her to come to me.
When I told her I had name ideas, she told me to leave them and that she’d look eventually. Three weeks later, she hadn’t looked. Five weeks later, still nothing. But she’d continue texting or calling my brother about names. When I brought this up, she said she’s allowed to text my brother and that I should be glad she’s including him.
One time, she got upset because I wrote name suggestions on the whiteboard in our kitchen. She said I was being passive-aggressive and pushy. I told her she wouldn’t talk about names with me and wouldn’t even look at the list she asked me to leave with her, so what else was I supposed to do? She yelled at me for that.
Then she brought up how I bought something for the nursery without consulting her, even though she had bought everything else without me. She told me she threw away what I bought because it didn’t fit the theme she wanted.
When things started getting worse, I asked my brother what was going on because I was seriously questioning their relationship. He told me they had just become closer friends and that she was kind enough to include him because he’s single and might never have kids. He said I should be fine with it since we’re brothers. When I asked about the late-night texting, he denied it.
I confronted my wife about everything, and she told me to shut my mouth because she couldn’t believe I would accuse her of anything. She completely lost her temper when I said I felt like she might be cheating and that I wasn’t sure if the baby was mine.
I didn’t even get to finish because she kept yelling in outrage. In anger, she tore up the ultrasound picture I kept in my wallet, took down the one on the fridge, and hid it from me. Then she said if I wanted to see it, I should go talk to my brother.
She demanded that I apologize, beg for forgiveness, and stay out of her business. Instead, I packed my things and moved out of the house we share. I told her that unless she was willing to talk without yelling or shutting me down, we were done and that I wanted a DNA test. My brother tried to convince me not to do it and asked me to go back home. My wife told me I had no right to act this way and that I needed to stop being childish.
My parents are trying hard to believe this will all blow over. My in-laws even asked what I was doing, and after talking with them, they realized that my wife had included them more in baby preparations than me.
Her sister told me she thinks the baby is mine. When I asked if she thought my wife was having an affair, she said maybe, but that even if she was and the baby turned out to be mine, it would be better to work things out because my wife wouldn’t make this easy and the baby doesn’t deserve the drama.
My wife is most upset about the DNA test. Everyone else seems to be more concerned about the marriage falling apart, especially my brother. I don’t know if I’m just losing my mind, but at this point, I need to know the truth.
There’s no way we can fix this unless I do. Even if the baby is mine, the way she talks to me, shuts me out, and ignores my input while giving everyone else a voice has made me feel completely disrespected. AITA?
OP added some context.
And for some more context, when I really think about it, I can see that for at least a year, maybe longer, she’s been distant. She’s often busier when I want to spend time together and more eager for me to stay out late after work. She’s been going out more herself too. She didn’t make much of an effort for my birthday this year. Looking back, all of that just seems to add up now.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
295Phoenix says:
NTA Your wife is clearly involving your brother in the baby's birth far more than you and that makes this as suspicious as hell. If she's not cheating then she's clearly checked out of the relationship.
Rolentobcn says:
This marriage is dead, you should divorce ASAP independent of the DNA test results.
OP responded:
That's my plan going forward. It's going to take a while for things to be worked through either way. But I can't see how we save this after everything.
Shadow4summer says:
NTA. Sounds like an emotional affair at best and a physical one at worst. Your brother trying to get you to stay is very telling. Sounds like he doesn’t want to be responsible for his kid.