'I just broke off my engagement with fiance because he told me he wasn't ready when proposing. Help?' UPDATED

"I (24F) just broke off my engagement with fiance (26M) because he told me he wasn't ready when proposing. We're going to therapy, but I feel like I gave up already. Help?"

Hi, so I (24F) and my fiance (26M) have been together for 6 years, living together for 2 years, and engaged for 1 year and 2 months. We've been a really cool couple, same sense of humour, we have common interests, we enjoy the same things, we're basically one person at this point. I thought we had great communication - turns out I was wrong.

The one thing is I feel like his mother; he takes no initiative, he doesn't initiate physical contact (not even mentioning s#x here, but it's a bigger problem, no initiative makes me feel really unattractive), he won't ask me out for dates, won't hug me or cuddle with me until i ask.

So I do it all: iI arrange dates, I try to get closer, to communicate more, I decide what we do and where we go out etc. Basically, he comes home from work (8am-4pm everyday), takes out his laptop and just does whatever, probably just plays games.

Then we fold laundry while watching a TV show and go to sleep. Pretty much just living like flatmates, or like a very old married couple. I tried to talk to him about it, but he'd always say he'll try to do better, and he would for 2-3 months. Then things would go back to what it was. But here's what broke me: On Monday I started the conversation again, tried to get him to act and get us couple counselling.

WELL we started talking about how he never mentioned getting married since the proposal. I've started looking for wedding venues, I drove us to one and suggested we book it, he said he'd rather see more before making a decision - i asked him to look for something and we can go check it out- he admitted now that he didn't even google that SINCE SEPTEMBER.

Aaaand he basically told me he proposed because he "felt like I expected/wanted it", while he wasn't 100% ready. I took the ring off, saying it feels like a lie, because it meant something different to him than to me. And...he took it, said "i promise you i'll give it to you when I'm ready"... so he wasn't ready 14 months ago, during those months nothing changed and he still isn't ready to be engaged.

I've loved this man for 6 years, but now it turns out he proposed because he "had to", still had doubts and let me look for wedding stuff, create pinterest boards, make guest lists while knowing it's all built on a lie. It feels like I proposed to myself while he just stood by and watched.

We have couple's therapy today, just like he booked it on Monday, but now I have no idea what to do. I agreed because I wanted us to work out the initiative thing, but that was before I found out he didn't really want to be engaged.

I'm going there today and I feel like I'm lying to him, because I don't think I can continue this relationship after what he did. He's trying hard to take initiative again and be closer to me, but it feels like it's too late. How can I handle this? I'm giving him hope with this therapy while considering to break things off because of the engagement thing. Can I forgive this and move on?

The internet did not hold back.

rothase2 wrote:

You are so young. Don't sign up for a lifetime of being his mom, or just a piece of furniture in his apartment. Break up and find a man who is HELL YES about you. A man who is excited to see you, excited to plan time with you, a man who is...well, a Man. Because this guy is not it. Chalk it up as a learning experience and move on.

cdb-outside wrote:

This was my story. My ex proposed…we began planning our wedding. We broke up. Got back together. Almost a year later we got pregnant. Cue cold feet. I’m a single parent of an adult child now. He’s still immature and lamenting us not being together. I’m happy not mothering him. If he’s not sure now and is not assuming responsibility for himself. Run.

[deleted] wrote:

Don’t help. Trust your gut. If after 6 years together he’s not ready to make you his partner for life, he may never be. And you’ll be waiting around for nothing. He already told you how he felt. And at that point, while I can absolutely see his argument about being too young, he lacks the balls to have an honest discussion with you about timelines.

Almost three weeks later, OP shared an update.

I figured I'd post an update to this. I read many comments and they really helped me, thank you for sharing your experiences, that opened my eyes. So yeah, tl;dr he wasn't ready when proposing, he won't admit it but I'm pretty sure it was a "shut up ring" - which is sad, because I never really cared about marriage in the first place. Now, we went to therapy, I said the same things as I've written in the previous post.

He struggled to answer any questions, didn't really say anything that he hadn't before. Therapist suggested we could try living separately, but I think she could tell we're going to break up soon lol. I took a few days to think, but finally broke up with him about a week after writting the first post. Aaaaand it kinda broke me to see his reaction.

At first, he was really dramatic, constantly tried to make himself the victim (something about "us" being a ship that's sinking, I'm about to jump and give up but he's still holding on tightly..???), accused me of not giving him the chance now that he actually wants to do something and change.

I had to remind him a few times that he's the one who broke my heart first, he lied for months and took the ring back. Then more dramatics, crying etc. But the next day everything was normal, he was behaving like nothing happened - no more fighting for this relationship or even being hurt, he said "we're going to be good friends" and acted like nothing's happened.

Over the next few days, I would occasionally get comments like "If anyone asks what happened I can't say we broke up. I have to say you broke my heart and left me" or "At least you stopped pretending you love me".

Other than that? No crying, no arguments, he was acting as per usual. It just broke my heart (again) to see how he didn't even try, that he really didn't care much. Shouldn't be surprised, really, yet here we are.

I asked him three times to move out, gave him a deadline of two weeks (so three weeks since he took the ring back).

He acted hurt, said "Wow, I didn't expect you'd want to get rid of me so soon", but didn't really start looking.

You know what actually made him get a flat and leave? My parents telling him to fuck off - because he lived here in their home this whole time (without paying any bills, they took him in like a son). They told him to pack his shit and never come back - since then he's been acting offended that they treated him like that and he had to leave.

He moved out yesterday, I helped him with moving. I'm on my own now, after 6,5 years with that one man. New year new me, I guess? But yeah, thanks to everyone who commented and read my story, ngl I would love some encouragement - it feels like a part has been ripped from me, I need to know this feeling will go away.

P.S. He found the first post and read the comments, he wanted to post his own comment to show his side of things, thankfully gave up lol.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

psyched_wisdom wrote:

Don't jump into another relationship right away. He probably will. But it's normal to feel a piece missing after so long. You are going to be okay ❤️. Take this time to enjoy your hobbies or anything you put off because of him.

accj30 wrote:

The marriage proposal and even the drama after the breakup was so he wouldn't lose his free housing. He probably felt like OP's parents were waiting for the proposal and was scared of an ultimatum, so the ring shut up. When he saw that OP was moving with the preparations, he had to backtrack and overestimated his ability to manipulate her and her family after doing this dirty trick.

sharmrp72 wrote:

Yeah, it goes. Not quickly but it goes. And doing stuff without his shadow will be weird for a while and then you WILL LOVE IT. Do.what you want, when you want, no issues. Get back to you OP and all the stuff YOU love and not placating a man child.....you'll smash it.