'AITA? I just finished dental school and now my husband wants me to be a SAHM.'
"I just finished Dental School, now my husband wants me to be a stay at home mom."
I (26f) just finished dental school. I spent 8 years of my life working my ass off to do the job of my dreams. My husband (28m) and I have been married 5 years, but have been together since we were 17 and 19.
We’ve talked about children many times, and what childcare would look like with them. We BOTH agreed on daycare once they were 2 and private school once they reach school age. I’ve expressed that though I think stay at home moms are literal superhero’s, it’s not something that I’m interested in.
I’m a very career driven woman and the thought of taking care of 4 (yes, we want 4) kids all day every day with literally no break and not being financially independent does not sound appealing to me.
I told him he was welcome to be a stay at home dad if he wanted someone to stay at home with our children, and the conversation ended there. This was YEARS ago. I thought we were on the same page, and I made my wishes clear.
Well, I graduated Dental School about a year ago now, and I work at my dream office. I genuinely couldn’t be happier to be doing what I’ve dreamed of since I was a little girl, and something I’ve spent blood (literally, I’ve been stabbed with so many needles it’s crazy), sweat, and tears achieving.
My husband and I are finally in a place where we want to start trying for our first baby. We’re both so ready to be parents. The topic of childcare came back up again when my husband said “Are you gonna be okay quitting your job though?” Thinking he was talking about maternity leave and was just confused, I said “No babe you don’t quit your job for that, you just take leave for a few months.”
He looked at me like I was stupid and said “no, I’m talking about you staying at home with the kids.” I was FLABBERGASTED. I couldn’t help but laugh, which I think set him off. He said “Our kids need a present mom, Alyssa.”
I corrected him and told him that a working mom does not mean that she’s not a present one, and that I will not be staying at home with our kids. I said I didn’t go through 8 years of school to just never use my degree. Besides, it doesn’t even make sense for ME to quit my job when I made over double his salary.
Now he’s saying I’m an asshole and a bad wife and mom if I don’t quit my job when we have a baby to be fully present with them. I didn’t think I was, but now I’m not sure. I grew up with a stay at home mom and I loved it, so I don’t really have any grounds to talk about what it’s like having a working mom.
I still don’t think working as a mom will make me a bad one, or a bad wife. Honestly I can’t help but think it’s because now that I’m out of school, I make so much more than him and it may have caused an insecurity? Idk. I just need advice guys.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Rye_One_ said:
“I will be ready to start trying for a baby when you are ready to stop being one." NTA.
the_dark_viper said:
NTA. We all know there is a good chance divorce is down the road.
Dense_Island_5120 said:
NTA. Do not concede to your husband on this, you’ll regret this because you’ll lose your ability to ever be a dentist if you stay out too long.
Bodysurfer8 said:
NTA. I had a working mom. She had a doctorate from an Ivy League School. Best mom ever, just like you will be for your kids!
EvaMohn1377 said:
NTA, but stop trying to baby. Tell him that you've already had this conversation and he either has to accept your terms or it's time to call it quits. You can be a present mum and still be working.
trollanony said:
Luckily your life has changed and you found out his stance prior to having kids. Go ahead and divorce. You’re still young and successful. You’ll find a more compatible partner in no time. Don’t let the fear of sunk cost fallacy keep you in an unhealthy relationship where you’re not respected as a woman first and mom second. NTA.