'I just sat through a dinner where my husband tore down my future career. I'm now at a loss.' UPDATED
"I (F28) just sat through a dinner where my husband (M34) relentlessly tore down my future career. I'm now at a loss of what to do."
We've been married 5 years, together 8. Things have always been rocky. But the last two years we have really improved our communication and things have been better.
My husband's job changed a few months ago and he has been struggling. He has become distant and angers easily. He has always struggled with anger issues. I am in the midst of getting my undergrad in mathematics for teaching secondary education. It should be noted that I was an accounting major prior to teaching. However, I worked in the field and quickly realized it was not for me.
I have always wanted to teach and we want a family soon and I felt this career would work around this well. My husband loved the idea of me in accounting. He bragged to his friends and coworkers and was excited for me to be the primary breadwinner. He has a very stable, well paying job in IT for the record. When I decided to switch majors he was less than enthused but "glad it at least isnt primary education."
Tonight at dinner, one of the few nights out we've had in a while, the subject of me finishing my degree came up. And it quickly went downhill. He was visibly upset and began explaining how he "couldn't justify going into debt for just such an idiotic job that pays less than the debt is worth."
This isn't true. We have paid out of pocket so far and will only accumulate about $20k to finish. He then went on to explain how he "could never respect teachers." What "mouthbreathers" they are. And that you would "only go into teaching because you aren't smart of enough to do anything else." He then explained that I shouldn't take it personally, he isn't talking about me, just my future coworkers.
He went on for the entire night. I tried to talk with him and give my side but he quickly shut me down because he "is just being honest." Would I rather he not give his opinion and just lie? When I asked him how I am supposed to explain to our future children why their father doesn't respect my job, he replied that they probably wont either.
So internet, my question is, is this a dealbreaker? I honestly dont know that I can move on from this. While he makes some valid points about salary and potential coworkers, I simply cant get past the disrespect. Nor can I see how I be okay with this in the future.
I am not sure I can handle not having his support. How do I go get my diploma as I'm graduating and look down and see him, knowing how little he respects me now? How do I discuss my job with friends in front him, especially when he makes it known to any and everyone how he feels? I'm at a loss here.
TL;DR: My husband thinks teachers are a bunch of idiotic mouth-breathers and does not support me becoming one.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
eshtive353 wrote:
Personally, I would not be ok with a SO who completely disrespected my career path. That probably means he thinks he's better on you on some level. A marriage should be an equal partnership and a relationship where one person thinks they're better than the other one is bound to be unhealthy. It's up to you, but this definitely seems like it's in the dealbreaker neighborhood to me.
OP responded:
That's the part that gets me, the equality and support. He was I employed at the beginning of our relationship and then a cashier for a while. I never belittle him, I always supported.
He just happened to go into a monetarily successful career, I would have supported anything he wanted to do. I tried to give the example that if suddenly he became impassioned about disposal and wanted to become a garbage man, I would start looking at the career differently and respecting his fellow garbage people. I simply don't get the lack of support and disrespect.
eshtive353 wrote:
I don't get it either, but for him to say all that after you've been working hard towards your degree? That's just disrespectful as fuck. I advise couples counseling at the very least, but I wouldn't blame you if you started calling lawyers tomorrow either.
OP responded:
We have been through counseling many times. I'm not sure how it would help with this though. It is how he feels, I have to decide if I'm ok with that I suppose.
EarlGreyhair wrote:
If it is truly how he feels, he could express reservations about it without making nasty personal attacks. "What "mouthbreathers" they are. And that you would "only go into teaching because you aren't smart of enough to do anything else". He then explained that I shouldnt take it personally, he isnt talking about me, just my future coworkers."
He says he's talking about your coworkers but he wants you to think he's talking about you. He's trying to put you off your choice of career by calling teachers mouth-breathing idiots but using the claim, "except you, of course" as a get-out-of-jail free card.
OP responded:
Sadly, I think you hit the head on the nail with this.
Three months later, OP shared an update.
I posted a while ago about my husband berating me for becoming a teacher. Please know I read every response and tried my best to make it work. But after a few months, I've realized nothing will change. He has no respect for me and I can't keep waiting for him to change. Today is our 5th year anniversary and I woke up knowing it was time to leave.
However, my problem is, we live with my parents. How do I walk away when I can't physically walk away? I have tried discussing a divorce. He is all game until push comes to shove and then he backs away. I know his first wife just left in the night, and part of me wishes could, but it's my home, my parents.
I'm having a really hard time figuring out the logistics of what to do next. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.
TL;DR: how do I leave my husband when we live with my parents?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
NFather wrote:
You're acting like he is in the position of power here. He is not. Your parents can evict him at any moment. 30 days notice and he is gone. If you owned a house with him this would be far more complicated. As-is, it's pretty straightforward.
upsidedownward wrote:
He's a legal tenant, so your parents need to start the eviction process and you need to file for divorce. You may want to post this over at /r/legaladvice because I think you need more legal help at this point and less relationship advice.
After you've filed for divorce (or even before), look into therapy or counseling to help you get through the whole process. Having an impartial person to vent to can be so helpful in situations like this.
asymmetrical_sally wrote:
You evict the asshole. Since he's so much more important and affluent than any teacher could possibly be, he can find and pay for his own accommodations. Talk to a divorce lawyer, and follow their advice on how to proceed while protecting yourself.