'AITA for keeping my shift work job even though my wife says it's unfair on her?'
"AITA for keeping my shift work job even though my wife says it’s unfair on her?"
OkDot3256 writes:
I (42F) am married to my wife (35F). I’ve worked shifts for over 10 years, long before we had kids. It actually used to suit her really well because she works in education, so my schedule meant I had more time off during school holidays, and it also pays a lot better than a 9 to 5.
She always really wanted kids. I was 50/50 but agreed because it meant so much to her. We originally agreed on one, but after our son (now 4) was born, she really pushed for another, and I eventually agreed. We now have two kids, 4 and 2.
She works full time, has a part-time job one night a week, and is also studying part time. On top of that, she took a promotion this past year. Now she’s saying my shifts aren’t fair because she ends up looking after the kids a lot on her own, and it’s too much pressure.
Here’s the thing though, for years I’ve done pretty much everything around the house. Cleaning, ironing, mowing, grocery shopping, bins, windows, organizing tradespeople, maintenance, all of it.
I also pay all the bills and manage the household finances (we both contribute equally, I just make the payments and make sure they’re up to date). I feel like I carry the entire mental load for our home, keeping track of what needs doing, paying, fixing, or organizing, while she just focuses on her own schedule.
I work four-on, four-off, so I’m home half the time, and when I’m off, I do plenty of the cooking, cleaning, and time with the kids. She does all the daycare drop-offs because it’s on her way to work, but when I’m off work, I do the pick-ups.
I’ve looked at changing to a normal 9 to 5, but I’d lose at least $50,000 a year, which would make a huge difference to our finances. It just feels like she used to love my job when it benefited her, but now that she’s taken on more work and study, it’s suddenly a problem. I feel like I’m being blamed for a situation she chose to create. AITA for keeping the job I’ve always had even though it’s now inconvenient for my wife?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Dramatic-Field4607 says:
NTA - It benefits you and your family financially, you've been in this career long before you had kids so it's clear that's what she signed up for. You pick up the slack in other ways (such as managing the home, and doing cooking, cleaning, pick ups on your time off).
And just in general, your work schedule is not selfish and plenty of people have similar things. You could easily turn it around and say it's unfair that she's studying and needs to stop because it's "inconvenient" to you, or that she took the promotion which made her more busy, but you don't, because you're NTA.
Stock-Cell1556 says:
Does she need the part-time job? Could she cut back her hours some while she's in school? It sounds like she's stretched too thin. But she has no right to ask you to accommodate for that. If you're happy with the schedule you have and would lose over $50k a year by changing it, you absolutely shouldn't. NTA.
Dull_Mango3557 says:
You have to sit down and write down who is doing what. Sometimes, when it's return down, some people then realize how much you are carrying on your shoulders.
hermmm8 says:
The book Fair Play and its corresponding cards could be really helpful. For the cards you divide out cards with all the household tasks and you see who is holding what cards. It can be really helpful for both partners to see what their spouse is holding and how much they are juggling, and it can be a less emotional way of sharing the load.