'AITA for kicking my BF out of my place after he demanded that I apologize?'
"AITA for kicking my boyfriend out of my place after he demanded I apologize before speaking to him?"
Sweet_Amoeba_7481 writes:
I'm a 27F and I've been dating my boyfriend, 27M, for 7 months. For context, I’m currently going through a long, year-and-a-half divorce. When I met him, I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but it just happened. My boyfriend knew about this from the start. In the beginning, everything was nice and easy. We had fun dates, movie nights, and took a few little weekend trips.
About two months in, he told me his family was being evicted and asked if he could move in with me. I live in a nice house that’s a co-living setup with roommates, so I don’t have a lot of space, especially because I already have a small dog. But I said yes. I know how it feels to not have a place to go. I was also planning to move at the end of the year anyway, and I thought this arrangement would be temporary. That was what he promised me.
When he moved in, I notified the property management and added him to the lease. That increased my rent by $250 a month. On top of that, I was covering all other bills and expenses including utilities, groceries, dog food, gas, and adding him to my insurance. Pretty much everything was being paid by me.
He gave me some money to help with the rent increase and a few bills during the first two months, but he was unemployed and looking for a job. I have a stable job, and by carefully managing my budget, I was able to support us both. He does a few small jobs here and there. It’s not much money, but sometimes he earns $30, $40, or $100 a week.
Things were fine for a few weeks, but then we adopted another dog. That’s when I started feeling overwhelmed. I suddenly became the only one financially responsible for four living beings: me, him, and the two dogs.
He also began complaining about the dogs, saying it was too much responsibility to walk them and clean up after them. He said I wasn’t giving him enough attention because I work 10-hour days, go to the gym, study, attend therapy twice a week, and try to keep up with the house and my pets.
We talked about it and I told him I understood how he felt. I asked if, since he had more free time and wasn’t working, he could take care of the house and the dogs. That way, we could spend more time together without me being exhausted after work and stuck doing everything.
But things kept getting more stressful. I think he feels inferior because I am the one supporting us, but that is not something I can fix for him. I even suggested and opened a joint bank account so he wouldn't feel like he was taking advantage of me.
I only transferred money to that account to cover our shared bills and some spending money. I never pressured him to contribute and always made sure to let him know I appreciated whatever he was able to give. Still, he became cold, distant, and sometimes rude. Whenever I brought up my concerns, he would turn it around and say I was invalidating his feelings and that he was stressed about job hunting and doing house chores.
I tried explaining that I was stressed too. I work 60 hours a week, carry all the financial responsibilities, and am still dealing with my ex-husband who left the country and made the divorce process even more difficult and expensive.
Recently, I had to go on a work trip I didn’t want to take, but it meant extra money for us. As soon as I arrived at my destination, I tried to talk to him, but he said he had a movie night planned with one of his best friends. We didn’t talk for three days. I had no phone signal and my schedule was packed. I was already feeling really tired and burnt out.
Yesterday, he texted me saying the dogs were running out of food. He asked me to buy more and schedule the delivery for 6 PM. I did, but the vet had just changed their food and we needed to transition them gradually to the new brand.
I texted him instructions, but he seemed so confused that I decided to call him to explain. I even asked when he’d be home and free to talk. At 8 p.m., which he had picked, I called. He answered the phone with, “Hey, what do you want?”
I was surprised because we hadn’t spoken in days, not even by text. I asked what was wrong and why he was speaking to me like that. He immediately started yelling that I was overreacting and that he was in the middle of house chores and computer work.
I hung up and sent him a message saying that when he calmed down, he could call me and we could talk about what was bothering him in a respectful way without yelling. He replied that he would only talk to me if I apologized.
I called him back to say that this felt manipulative. He hung up. I called again and he asked if I was going to apologize. When I said no, he told me we would not be on good terms or even speaking until I apologized first. I told him that was manipulative and asked if he was really making that decision. He said yes. I asked if he understood what that meant. He said yes again.
So, I emailed property management and copied him in the email to let them know he would be moving out in 15 days. I also emailed him directly to ask for his moving schedule and to coordinate practical things like closing our joint account, when he would be out of the house so I could have my space back, and who would take care of the dogs while I was away for work.
I even tried explaining to him how his behavior was hurting me. I told him it felt manipulative and reminded me of the abuse I experienced in my previous marriage. He still didn’t change. Now he is accusing me of throwing him out on the streets with no money and no place to go. Am I the a^#@ole?
Here are some of the top comments from the post.
JasMel_01 says:
NTA but you have replaced your previous toxic relationship with another one. Please stick to your guns with this break up, and take this to therapy so you can recognize the patterns you have fallen into so you can heal and find someone who truly deserves you. Good luck!
Antique_Elk7826 says:
NTA I think. But you chose a poor time to adopt another dog. Does he deserve to be kicked to the curb? Yep. It felt like he was manipulating you, because he was.
Cragbog says:
Girl don't date for a while cause how did you not see that this was just as bad as the other relationship.
rosegoldblonde says:
NTA BUT you went from one bad relationship to another with a bum. Perhaps be single for awhile and get some therapy girl.