'AITA for kicking my mom out because she was lying about how I treated her for sympathy?'
"AITA for kicking my mom out of our house"
CarmenDeeJay writes:
I (F63) booted my mother out of my house last night after she returned home from visiting a friend. My mother, “Uma,” lives with me, H (64), and D (30) since my dad died. We do everything for her.
Here's my problem and why I booted her: she has been telling her friends that we are taking her money, will not feed her, will not pick up her medication, and will not buy her what she needs (diapers, tea, medical supplements, etc.).
One of her friends was all friendly and sweet when she picked her up but gave me filthy looks when she dropped her off. Shortly thereafter, we received a visit from Adult Protective Services. They interviewed her privately, then interviewed us (hubby and daughter) separately.
I did not connect the dots until later and confronted the woman who dropped her off. She has known us for years and fortunately was able to see Uma was weaving lies for sympathy. She also knew Uma was a hypochondriac.
Another friend dropped her off yesterday after a lengthy visit. "Beth" told me Mom cried the whole time because we do not give her access to her money (she has a debit card which she has lost several times), she hates everything we cook (we cook what she asks us to cook), and she wants her own apartment.
Beth suggested we look at apartments that would suit her, but with Uma not driving, her forgetfulness, having her dog, not eating, not bathing, and having severe allergies, it is just not feasible. I work from home full time and then some and have a household of my own to tend. I do not have the time to run errands for her if they are outside of ours as well. I also cannot afford to subsidize her independent living.
She told her friends she was "starving" because "we would not let her eat before she met up with them at 11 a.m." Not only did she have breakfast, which I prepared, forced her to eat, and cleaned up after, she also had a snack in the mid-morning.
Uma also told Beth that we will not let her have her stuff here (she is a compulsive hoarder), yet she already occupies two bedrooms and two bathrooms as well as the library and the pantry kitchen.
She wants us to clean out another room so she has room for her stuff. I finally blew up when I found out Uma told Beth the bruises on her arms were from us grabbing her roughly (they were from blood tests the preceding week, she is on thinners). I called my sister and told her I was done taking care of her.
My heart is breaking because I do know she mourns the loss of my dad. I also dearly love her. But I see her turn her tears on and off so easily that it seems more like a manipulation technique than reality. When my sister showed up to pick her up, she had not cried a single drop. Once my sister opened the door, she started bawling, claiming she did not know what she did wrong. So, AITA for booting my mother to the curb?
OP added some context in the comments.
Lildebeest says:
INFO: How old is your mother? Has she been recently evaluated for dementia? You mention when she's left to her own devices she forgets stuff and doesn't eat or bathe. That's pretty common in elderly people who are declining mentally.
If she has dementia, and you decide you can't care for her in your home because of her behavior then it's N A H from me, but you and the rest of her family need to find a good alternative for her care. If you just kick her out to fend for herself without any kind of evaluation, then Y W B T A. If she is mentally sound, then N T A, but she doesn't really seem mentally sound by description here.
OP responded:
Mom is 85 and has already been diagnosed with having the early stages of Alzheimer's, although she really has only a few short memory lapses. Her biggest issue is her need for sympathy. She and I were once playing a game of Sorry, and during the game, she got a call.
When she heard who it was, she immediately removed the gaiety out of her voice and sounded like she was miserable. Then, she told her friend she had had this nasty cold bug for a month and couldn't get over it. She had just had it for 2 days at that time.
Her friend gasped on the phone and berated me for not taking her into the doctor for it. When I corrected Mom, she said "she forgot", but she didn't forget. She wanted to manipulate her friend into feeling sympathetic toward her. No, she's not mentally sound. She loses stuff regularly, but she is about 95% fine. That 5% is too much for her independent living, though.
Upbeat_Vanilla_7285 says:
Honestly it sounds like dementia. Maybe a long term care facility would be better.
OP responded:
We initially looked into it, and her specific dietary needs cannot be met at any of the establishments. And as my mother is a hypochondriac as well, she will sometimes deliberately eat the wrong foods to get herself sick.
When she feels herself getting sick, she will not go to the toilet and vomit. She vomits where others can see it and clean it. We can even be right there and tell her to get up and go to the bathroom, but she refuses. In our home, we removed everything she could potentially eat that would make her sick, so she's been very healthy lately.
We did look at the possibility of getting an on-site caregiver, but she'd have to pay for the care out of pocket because her care needs are not to the level yet of needing round-the-clock care. She doesn't have that kind of money. Also, we promised my dad before he died that we would keep her with us. I just never dreamed she would throw us under the bus.