'I know that my husband is cheating on me with my best friend but if I leave, he'll take half.' UPDATED
Facing the music can be incredibly tough, even when you know it's inevitable.
"I know that my husband is cheating on me with my best friend but if I left, he will take half."
I am a 40-year-old mother of a baby girl who is 5. I have been married to my husband for 12 years. About 10 years ago I started my business and it is my pride and joy. I love my life and I enjoy my work. Two years ago I lost my beautiful mother to breast c*ncer. It all happened in 5 weeks and she was so young. 55 years old. It sent me into shock and depression.
A short while before that my best friend found out that her husband cheated and he left her for his mistress. It was a hard time and my best friend and I became even closer than ever before. She moved in with me for a while after my mother passed because I wasn’t really functioning and she was h*meless. I started with antidepressants that ruined my physical needs.
I felt guilty for my husband but I really couldn’t do anything but try to be healthy again as soon as possible. My best friend lived with us for 1 year and they started sleeping together towards the end of that year. That’s when I got home early and heard them. I ran out in shock. I came back a few hours later pretending nothing happened.
I managed to smoothly find her a place because I couldn’t bear it happening in my home. My sanctuary. My happy place where I live with my daughter. My best friend had already found herself a job and I took the opportunity to find her the apartment near her job. She was grateful. I was a bit more relieved. The affair is still going on. If I leave he will take half.
It will ruin me and my business and what I am trying to build for me and my baby. No I don’t want to leave. It is so unfair that he is the one cheating and I am the one who will pay if I said anything. I refuse, so I am letting it happen. Instead I wrote him off as my companion and safety blanket. I still have lots to be grateful for. My baby. My family and my beautiful home. And my business.
Most of the time, I am content and happy even though I myself don’t know how I am doing it. Maybe it is numbness or resignation or maybe it is true contentment. But sometimes, when everything is a hundred times magnified I can barely contain my panic. Especially at night when he wakes me up because I am crying. Again. Are you having a nightmare? And he tries to kiss and cuddle me to make me feel safe.
I’m here, I’m here. You’re safe. I wish I could tell him that my nightmares are my escape from my reality with him and that his shoulders aren’t safe. He rarely asks why I am crying, he probably thinks it is mom, because that’s what I tell him, but sometimes I feel like he knows or that he can’t help himself wondering. What’s going on behind those eyes? What do you mean?
I can’t read your face anymore…see you are silent again. When I look at him he immediately looks away like he is scared he would turn into stone and says I miss you that’s all. My panic has increased more these past few months since he started paying me attention again. The first period after mom’s passing, he never bothered me out of courtesy I suppose. Never asked for intimacy.
Then he had her so he didn’t need me. But now? I don’t know what changed. They’re still together so what does he want from me? Is he testing me? I never understood why they’re doing what they’re doing either. I have seen their texts. There’s no love there, no respect, no warmth. Not what I would expect from two people who are sleeping together, especially not when the stakes are so high.
You would think that they love each other so much that they’re willing to pay the price in case they’re caught. No, there’s a lot of anger and resentment. A lot of guilt and self hatred. He calls himself and her disgusting and shells of a human being. Is that too some sort of love?
I don’t know why I am writing here, I googled about infidelity and self help and I ended up in this community and I read tens of similar stories. Maybe I would feel better writing my own down. Please don’t think too ill of me. I know that I am pathetic but I used to have more dignity.
Commenters had a lot to say in response.
bbCharming5326 wrote:
I’m so sorry OP, my heart breaks for you. Is there any way you can legally make plans to do something with your assets, business, etc? While things are amicable I think it’s best to take steps to protect your daughter and the business.
I hate to make you think about it but what if he leaves and you have to do this anyways? ***Wouldn’t (edit for spelling) you rather be prepared and ready to take on the new adventure that life takes you? 💗 Best wishes, sending love.
OP responded:
I have talked to an attorney about all ym options and even my best options aren’t good enough right now. My only hope ia that it comes to a point where I could buy him out when we divorce. It won’t happen in a few years.
Worldly_Mirror1555 wrote:
“My nightmares are my escape from my reality with him”
That’s not okay. At least have a conversation with a couple divorce lawyers before you assume you’re going to lose half of everything. You probably have more rights than you realize, especially if you find a really good attorney.
the-truth-boomer wrote:
As someone who found out his wife had been having an affair for 10 years with the "best man" from our wedding, I left and she took more than half. And despite it all I can say with the confidence born of experience that some things are worth paying for. My life improved immediately after parting company with someone who was not willing to commit to the same degree as me. my 2 cents.
OP responded:
Why the H did she get more than half? That is so unfair.
QueenMother81 wrote:
Find a lawyer to protect your assets also stop being her friend. Why would you entertain her after she continues to hurt you. Let him know that you know. No point in playing the games they are. Put it out in the open tell your friends and family.
While you were in the midst of grieving your mom, your husband and ex-BF decided to engage in an affair after you gave her a place to stay. Literally biting the helping hand. Straighten your spine and coat it in steel…
OP responded:
I haven’t seen or talked to her in ages.
EbbCharming5326 wrote:
I’m so sorry OP, my heart breaks for you. Is there any way you can legally make plans to do something with your assets, business, etc? While things are amicable I think it’s best to take steps to protect your daughter and the business.
I hate to make you think about it but what if he leaves and you have to do this anyways? ***Wouldn’t (edit for spelling) you rather be prepared and ready to take on the new adventure that life takes you? 💗 Best wishes, sending love.
Five weeks later, OP shared another update.
Hi everyone! I have made a post previous to this a few weeks ago. Thank you for the support and the many suggestions. If you want the details please read that one first. I promise that I will make this one very short and simple.
I have taken two measures to protect myself and my daughter when my husband and I get a divorce to protect my assets and my daughter’s future, I am sure many will find my methods to be dubious and honestly it is fine with me. All’s fair in love and war and this is a bit of both.
I told my father everything. He was horrified but a bit relieved that he finally found out what’s been hurting me. We have discussed the possibility that he could buy into my business in case I need to divide so he and I have the bigger share and still can make the decisions. Then I have agreed to my husband’s suggestion of seeing a marriage counselor.
He talked about my mom’s passing and how it affected me and my mentality. He kept talking about me “building walls” and “being distant” and how he was longing for me to “come back to him.” I just wondered while he talked what he would do if I told him that I knew. Would he still complain about my walls or finally understand them?
I opened up about my mom’s illness and how it affected me. Not only the losing her part but the fact that my grandmother and great grandmother passed the same way. It kept me thinking that I have inherited this and passed it down to my daughter and the guilt and fear that I have been feeling. I chose to have my daughter fully aware of the risks. What was I thinking?
Since the counseling we have been talking more in our day to day and I just honestly told him that my business was one of the stressors in my life. That I am always worried that if I didn’t fix our marital issues, and he wanted to leave me it would change my career and future while his wouldn’t because he is government employee.
This was two weeks ago. The day after, he sat me down and told me that he wanted a postnuptial agreement to make me feel more secure. He wanted me to be with him “because I wanted to not because I had to”. I talked in my first post about my house etc but I really don’t care about that anymore.
Everything else can be marital property and honestly I started to hate this house and I can’t wait to leave it. So next move is starting the separation. I am aiming for the end of this year and then only the hardest part is left. Telling my daughter that mommy and daddy won’t be living together anymore. I am not looking forward for that part.
The comments kept coming.
Choice-Intention-926 wrote:
I’m glad that you reached out to your father for help. It must have been so isolating that the two people you would have gone to for comfort are the two people who were causing you pain. Get the post-nup done asap, so you can move on. Once that’s done you can file for divorce. This isn’t dubious at all or it’s less dubious than the activity he is engaged in.
After your ducks are in a row, you should break it to him in couples counselling that you are divorcing him, and what you saw. When he says sorry, you stand firm that he wasn’t so sorry that he stopped. He wasn’t so sorry that it never started. Not so sorry that at the lowest point in your life he wouldn’t betray you. You deserve better.
OP responded:
I will do the best for my mental health and for our daughter. If leaving this behind and not telling him is the best way then I will just leave it be. I will probably know by then what’s best for me.
fire_or-waterkai wrote:
Glad you're making the moves OP. I can only imagine how hard it is to have to look at his face, but these are the moves that people advocate for partners to make when they need to get away.
Wish you the best and that it can go smoothly and quickly.
OP responded:
Thank you and I am so sorry this post wasn’t as short as I promised.
SubstantialYouth9106 wrote:
Do not start the separation until you have an ironclad postnuptial agreement made by a lawyer and signed by him. All of your assets and wants need to be listed. I would even make him sign an infidelity clause that he loses everything and hire a PI to get solid proof of his infidelity with your ex-BFF before the postnuptial agreement. You need to be smart about everything and protect your bases.
mpan2501 wrote:
How’s the husband/“friend” affair going for them, are they still at it? I remember you’d said you stopped reading their texts I wonder if they still consider themselves scum while continue the betrayal. Good luck friend!
OP responded:
They are still having an affair. I have seen that he still gets texts from her at night. Not sure if they still feel like scum, nothing changed really.
Comfortable-Ad-2223 wrote:
What a POS is your friend honestly. Not saying your husband is not obviously both of them. But your friend after you helped her when she was going through the same smh. I'm the kind of person that if someone help me in my worst, when I'm better they have unlimited credit with me for anything.
If I can help back I will if they need it but if they don't need anything I would be giving presents, offering my help or supplies if they have gatherings (I'm a pastry chef so this most giving the cake every birthday). I just don't get how people can be this horrible.