'I know that my husband is cheating on me. I need to tell someone.' UPDATED

"I know that my husband is cheating on me. I need to tell someone."

I(f40) found that out about 6 months ago. I went into a total shock. I thought he (m39) loved me because he tells me that every day. We have a beautiful family together. 3 beautiful children (5,4 and 16mo). Beautiful home. Vacation home. We are close to both our families and everything else is perfect.

She(f35) is a coworker if my husband that I know very well. She has been in my home. I have comforted her when her husband cheated on her and left her for his new woman. I saw her pain. Little did I know that she would inflict that same pain on me a few months later. I saw her nudes on his phone. Talk about their hook-ups on messenger.

She isn’t even beautiful. She is disgusting, pathetic and miserable (I know I’m being a disgusting misandrist here but I can’t help myself). What does she have that I don’t? He disgusts me very much. He is pathetic and stupid. My respect for him is gone. I have chosen to pretend that I don’t know. I love my life and I’ll be damned if I share my children and not be able to see them every day of their lives.

Not him nor her deserve me separating from my babies, my home, my family, my comfortable life and my safety. Sometimes I think he knows that I know. When he looks at me and asks me to come back to him. When he asks where I’m in my thoughts. “It feels like your body is here but your mind is a thousand miles away."

I don’t answer him. He starts to argue, sometimes it feels like he is doing it to provoke a reaction out of me but I never answer or engage until he gets tired and leaves me alone. I never initiate anything with him and when he has me, I just let him and I refuse to let him pleasure me.

In the beginning he complained that I am distant and cold and that I want him to use protection (I told him I stopped using BC so he has to wear protection). His complaining stopped when I told him that it’s either this or nothing. 6 months later, I am mostly at peace with my life.

Still a lot of ups and downs but the downs are getting fewer and further apart(today was a down so I needed to vent). The part of my heart and thoughts that were occupied with my husband were suddenly empty and I have found out that I’m pretty good at filling the void with other things, new hobbies and even more quality time with my babies and loved ones. All is well.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

AcrobaticMechanic265 wrote:

It seems you already emotionally checked out and really just staying for the kids and the life that you have. I hope you find peace for the life you chose.

Free-Parfait5476 wrote:

It does, exactly like my mum did 20 odd years ago. And as a child and now adult from that experience, it is best to just leave. The resentment my mum now holds is almost sickening and I have no idea how to have a healthy relationship because of it.

Significant-Owl5869 wrote:

Is he the breadwinner?

Girl, you have many options especially with proof of the affair.

You’d be surprised how many men don’t fight for their children.

I think you staying and distancing yourself got yourself through a lot of hurt that would’ve come if you just separated. Talk to a therapist if it will help but don’t teach your kids this is the type of >love they should settle for. This is why so many of us are messed up in the head and allow other people to mistreat them. There’s so much life and love in the world.

OP responded:

He is the main bread winner yes. We had a fight about a month ago, or not a fight more of him complaining that I’m distant and neglectful and he asked me what I wanted and kept asking and pestering me. I said I wanted him to leave me and give me my children.

I would leave everything else to him. He was stunned for a while then when he calmed down he said that I should take this idea out of my head, that I’m crazy if I thought he would abandon the children.

queenlegolas wrote:

I think you need to get your ducks in a row, he's going to divorce soon, I have a feeling he's going to try blindsiding you. Please be prepared. Get a lawyer and make sure he's not hiding money away to screw you and the kids over. I know it's hard to accept that you'll only get 50/50 custody but that's better than him lying about you and screwing you over in court and using his money to manipulate the system.

There are so many who do that. Please make your exit plan. Gather the evidence of his cheating and important documents for you and the kids and be ready to leave when he decides to blow everything up.

Did he ever ask why she couldn't come over anymore? Did she ever ask? Do you have a support system? Friends or family you can speak with? I also think you need a better therapist because this one isn't teaching you how to cope properly...you're still in so much pain right now.

OP responded:

He won’t divorce. Not for her and not for anyone. He has a lot to lose in case of a divorce even more than me. I don’t read their conversations anymore but he has no feelings for her. If he chooses to divorce for other reason, then it makes no difference if he or I do it. No he didn’t ask me why she isn’t allowed in my home anymore and he never talked about her again.

He asked her though if she had done something or told me something. They speculated about it and he told her if I found out in anyway. He will never talk to her again. She said that it was unfair because maybe I would find out another way but he told her that it didn’t matter how, if I did he will never speak or see her again.

So I don’t think she will ever bother me as long as she wants him. She will not want this to come out. Anyway if they give me a few more years I would be very happy. When the children are a bit older, he can leave me for her or a trash can for all I care.

Ok-Willingness3340 wrote:

If he comes out and ask you if you know, what would you do? Make a deal for the kids?

OP responded:

I won’t lie. I will tell him that I know. That I don’t want shared custody and that’s why I don’t want a divorce.* I don’t think he will though, ge is probably as scared as I’m that this will come tumbling down.

Latter-Yard-6775 wrote:

I feel like this other woman knows exactly what she is doing. She knows what it feels like to be cheated on. She knows the hurt and devastation. She wanted to destroy someone else's happiness. As someone whose spouse cheated, I could never cause that same pain to another woman.

My ex left me for that other woman, left me with two small children. Funny thing, she hated me. She would tell my kids horrible lies about me. I had never met this woman. Never spoke to her. I never understood why she had so much hate. They married and divorced. My daughter and her daughter are still friends. I adore this girl and love her son. I wouldn't dream of saying one cross word about her mom.

She mentioned to her mom that her son really likes me and she spouted off about me being a horrible person. She told my daughter, I told my mom that she is not allowed to talk her about me. She said that I was a nice lady who never said anything about her. I couldn't believe that she stood up for me. I hope you find your peace.

OP responded:

It takes two to tango, she might wanted to inflict her pain on a happy unsuspecting woman, just to feel better about herself. Just to feel that this doesn’t only happen to her. But a good man would not have fallen for this. He would have turned her down. I hate her but he is the one who destroyed my happiness.

She can’t have children and her husband’s new woman has given birth to their first child. I think she she wanted to take out her hurt on a mother, because in her mind her husband cheated because she couldn’t conceive. He cheated because he is a bad person. She will never get it.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

Hi everyone. I didn’t expect that I needed to make an update about my post because I really only ever wanted to vent because nobody knows my situation and I need an outlet (sorry about that btw). I have some news anyway and mostly they’re based on your comments about me needing to protect my a-- in case my husband got bored and left me.

I have never been worried before because I basically own half of everything legally speaking but I started to think of worse case scenario situations. Anyway, Friday, my husband had made me dinner and brought me flowers and chocolate. He said he wanted to make it a night for the two of us because he felt that we were pulling apart.

Kids were sleeping and he wanted me and then got upset because it wasn’t how he imagined the evening would go and accused me of not loving him or our family anymore. I got really angry when accused me of not loving my family when they’re all I have left to give me love and hope. I snapped at him that I didn’t feel safe with him anymore and he full well knew why I had become this way.

You know the reason why!. He was shocked and looked at me without saying anything and then just sat silent on his end of the sofa for the rest of the evening. Before bed he asked me to tell him how I would feel safe again and to tell him what I wanted him to do. He went to bed. I stayed up all night and made a list of demands.

I want a post-nuptial agreement where I get my house and my summer house.

I become a partner at his companies at 50%. I don’t know how these things work since I wont be buying in but this is for him to fix. I’m not interested in management just that I have my half and the passive income.

I want him to get a vasectomy. We were planning 4 children before all this but I don’t want that anymore. So he should have a vasectomy.

I want him to always wear condoms with me or never bother to touch me again. I will not even tolerate complaining about that part. Also I want biannual sti tests.

This morning I sent him a text with these demands. I know it is silly to send someone you live with a text but I didn’t want to fumble with my words and forget details. I didn’t want him to see me cry or being visibly emotional. I just couldn’t take him trying to console me.

Just the thought of him feeling sorry for me makes me sick. But also I didn’t want to forget anything and I wanted it to be in writing. He read it on the breakfast table and he didn’t say anything. We continued the day as normal and when the children were in bed we had our dinner and he said, About your demands, I agree. I told him to start on Monday with realizing my list. He agreed.

So I guess since many of you asked me to take measurements and have a back-up plan. This is what I could come up with. And it did help. I woke up today a little bit less anxious. I don’t know how long we can keep this up, but I hope until I feel safe to leave my babies in his care. Maybe when they’re all in school.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

stacey506 wrote:

Well, at least you'll know when OW finds out. She is going to act a fool.

OP responded:

I wanted to demand that he cut cooperation with the company he hires where she works as a consultant. But then more than 10 people would be affected. It didn’t sit right with me plus it wouldn’t make them not see each other and I honestly don’t care. I just want peace and to feel safe

Signal_Historian_456 wrote:

You should demand that „none of them“ ever comes close to your family. And sure as hell not into your home ever again.

OP responded:

I already told him that she wasn’t allowed in my home anymore. That was in the beginning when I found out. Unfortunately I think he has brought her to my home the first time, when I was visiting my brother. I think it happened in my home. I will never forgive him for that.

Typical_Agency8984 wrote:

Speak to an attorney and have them draw up the paperwork for the first and second demand.

OP responded:

I am making him the appointment for the vasectomy tomorrow this is the most important thing tbh.

Signal_Historian_456 wrote:

Get a nanny cam, or nanny cams, to watch the doors and see if he brings someone home when you’re not around. I’m absolutely baffled that he simply accepts all that, without a single word about what’s going on. Like, nothing. Just rug sweeping and acting as if he wouldn’t have destroyed your heart, family, marriage, betrayed you and your kids in the worst way possible.

Because even though he cheated on you, he lies to his kids and betrays them too. I guess he’s teaching them what’s right and wrong, or does he openly teach them to cheat, lie, hurt others? (I know you as a SAHM do the majority of the parenting, don’t want to undermine that for a second).

He’s one of their two most important role models when it comes to morality, never mentioned that he crushed their moms heart and disrespected her to no end, and that’s what he does? This will blow up into his face eventually, and I can’t imagine he’s dumb enough to not to know that.

OP responded:

He won’t be bringing her to my home anymore because he texted her that he felt sick about it. They meet up at her apartment instead. I kind of understand why he isn’t bringing it up. I wouldn’t if I had done something this horrid. He destroyed everything beautiful we had.

[deleted] wrote:

I hope the hubby reads this and files for divorce. I get asking for a vasectomy, but as a demand?! EFF THAT NOISE. She’s saving her body in the event they break up that she can still have kids that way. The marriage is over, don’t give up fertility and money to save it dude. Just get out.

OP responded:

I think he even liked the idea of vasectomy to tell you the truth. He probably thought now he can do whatever without any consequences in a form of child support. I don’t know, we have always talked about vasectomy after we are done having children so it wasn’t a new concept.

Only difference is that we wanted four children but now we have three. I think that both me and him thought 3 were enough even before all this, when we got out youngest because it turned out to be a lot more than we thought 🥰