"AITA for 'letting' my ex-boyfriend dump me?"
I’ve been keeping an Excel workbook for years to organize my personal finances. Every month it shows the “total” expenses, “total paid,” and “total remaining.” It’s not only helpful for budgeting and remembering when things are due, but it also removed a lot of the anxiety I used to have around money.
I even used to have nightmares about forgetting to pay something important. I used to get panic attacks, but they were cured by Excel! Every month, I put about half of what I make into savings—IRA, HSA, vacation fund, quarterly tax savings, and an emergency fund.
My only debt is about $500 from a surprise $1,500 vet bill, and my car loan, which has a $200 monthly payment and will be paid off next year. I could pay off both the car and the vet bill right now, but having an emergency cushion that could cover 3 to 5 months of expenses makes me feel secure.
I give myself a weekly allowance of $150 to spend however I want—on dates, movies, going out with friends, etc. Since my ex and I were getting more serious after six months, we discussed our finances.
We decided that if things progressed, we would keep our finances separate, and if we moved in together, we’d split all shared expenses evenly. This would save both of us a lot of money each month.
Then came the issue. He used my laptop, where I keep the Excel document minimized. He accidentally opened it, and that’s where the conflict started. I put everything on my credit card each month.
I really want to travel, and earning miles is the only way I can justify the cost of flights to the places I want to explore. I put everything—rent, groceries, gas, utilities, even my quarterly taxes—on my miles card. Last year, I was able to redeem a ticket for a friend to join me in France. I covered all the flights and half of the Airbnb.
I can’t put the car payment or vet bill on the card, but everything else goes on it, and I pay off the balance a few days after my bills settle. I also include a line in my spreadsheet that reflects the credit card balance as a reminder to pay it off, mostly because I’m paranoid about forgetting a payment. This spreadsheet is a form of therapy for me.
When he saw the spreadsheet, he misunderstood the numbers. He saw the “total” at the bottom and thought my expenses were nearly double what they actually are, since the “total” includes the credit card payment. I guess he also assumed that the credit card payment was a minimum monthly payment, which would have made the balance look extreme.
He also saw entries labeled “Macy’s,” “VS Secret,” and “Best Buy” and assumed I had maxed-out retail cards—even though the balances were zero. I keep those lines in the sheet just to remind myself of due dates in case I ever use them for discounts.
He stewed on this for a few days, then sat me down and said he couldn’t stay with me if I was going to be irresponsible. He told me that unless I called every credit card company and canceled the cards in front of him, and shredded them then and there, he would break up with me.
He talked over me the entire time. I tried to explain my savings and that my actual debt was less than $4,000, but he didn’t believe me. He called me a liar, said he couldn’t trust me, and broke up with me.
I cried with some friends who were shocked, especially since I’ve helped several of them set up similar financial tracking systems to pay off debt and start saving. Eventually, the truth got back to him. He was upset that I “let” him break up with me.
Even though he makes more than I do, I’m apparently better off financially. He was especially mad because if we had moved in together, I would have been totally capable of paying my half, and he liked that I had a decent chunk in savings. I had also planned to get us both tickets to Italy for our one-year anniversary.
Honestly, I don’t know if I’m the a^#%ole here. I could have explained things more clearly and been more transparent about my finances from the beginning. But when he confronted me, I felt completely blindsided and like my privacy had been violated.
Getting an ultimatum without being heard felt like a dealbreaker. Now some of my friends are saying I might be throwing away a good relationship over a misunderstanding. They argue that if his assumptions had been correct, he would have been right to be concerned. I just don’t feel like I want to be with someone who talks to me like that. But maybe I should have tried harder to make it work. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
FartMasterChamp writes:
NTA and you dodged a real bullet. You can't build a life with someone whose first instinct is to accuse you and dump you. You told him the truth. He REFUSED to believe you. Do you realize how f^@#ed up that is?
OP responded:
This is what I thought too. If he would have just talked it over with me, I would have understood. But I hated the way he talked over me and wouldn't let me explain. I hit the point where I was crying and couldn't even express myself, but he kept talking over me. It made me feel like a little kid being punished.
Cool_Ad_59 says:
You saved yourself from a partner who cannot handle adult discussions and may leave you at the drop of a hat. He also doesn't have personal introspection or accountability.
OP responded:
I think part of the reason he is so angry is because if we moved in and I paid half of everything it would have cut his own bills by almost half. I had also said that when we hit the one year anniversary I would get us tickets to Italy (he's always wanted to go) as well as pay half of a reasonable Airbnb.
I don't think he has a lot of debt - I know that he has a truck payment that is pretty high every month - but he also spends every dime he has. He will have a pension when he retires, but no real savings. He's very proud that he doesn't have any credit cards.
I've tried to talk to him about using them responsibly to build credit and get rewards - but that's an area he would get really aggressive about and say that no one can just pay off their balance every month.
sooner-1125 says:
Do you want to commit to a guy who can’t read an excel doc?
bythebrook88 says:
Do you want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't trust you? You dodged a bullet. NTA.
[deleted]
NTA. The trash took itself out. If this is how it went down over a misunderstanding, can you imagine how you'd have felt and how much more difficult it would have been to have a conversation with him about something real like a medical crisis or a family emergency?
Anybody who's going to go on that sort of prolonged rant about how things are going to be and what you have to do to satisfy them about money that isn't theirs without listening to you would be a nightmare to deal with about anything really shared.
OP responded:
This is part of my fear. When my little dog got sick, I took out the care credit thing without a second thought. She was my mom and dad's dog before he died and she's the last thing I have in the world to remember him with. We "talk" sometimes about our memories of them. She had an infected tooth and another tooth to be pulled.
If I had to justify spending that money on her it would have hurt so much. And I feel like he would have really fought me on it which is one of the reasons I wanted separate finances. He had an eight year old dog that got an infected something and decided it was better to put it down than waste the money on a dog that old.
That was before we met so I don't know all the details, but I wouldn't want to have an argument over life-saving treatment for an otherwise healthy dog.