'AITA for letting my niece have fun when she lives with me because she hates her stepmom?'
"AITA for letting my niece have fun when she lives with me because of the cruel stuff she wrote and said to her stepmother?"
Klaennonn writes:
In June of this year my niece Abby (15) came to live with me (28M), and I became her legal guardian alongside my partner. My brother is her father. Abby’s mom died when she was 9, and my brother remarried when she was 11.
Abby was never very happy about the remarriage or my SIL. It was clear to everyone. Most of the time she just ignored her stepmother, but there were outbursts when her stepmother tried to parent her.
SIL’s birthday is in May, and my brother threw her a family birthday dinner. Abby was asked to write her a card and give it to her with a gift my brother bought on Abby’s behalf. I can’t remember word for word what Abby wrote and said, but to summarize:
She told SIL she hated her, that she never wanted her to marry her dad, and that she wasn’t as good as her mom. She called SIL ugly and said her mom was prettier. She said her mom was a better cook and brought up compliments her mom used to get. She said a million SILs would not be worth half of her mom.
She said she was glad SIL and my brother couldn’t have kids and that she hoped every day SIL would never be able to stay pregnant. She insulted SIL’s sense of style and the things she brought into the house.
She called SIL an outsider, brought up her mom being the love of my brother’s life and not SIL, and mentioned several times that she would never love or accept her. She ended by saying she would be happy if they divorced.
There were attempts to stop Abby, but she told her dad she was going to finish since she was forced to give SIL something at all. Afterward, my brother tried making her apologize. He put her on a waiting list for therapy, punished her, tried talking to her, and even used therapy books to push for an apology or some regret.
But when nothing changed in the first month, he said someone else needed to take her in because having Abby around SIL wasn’t good after everything she said. My partner and I offered, as long as guardianship was given to us if this was going to be more than a week or two.
It was always going to be. Since moving in with us, Abby has started therapy. She hasn’t apologized or expressed regret. She doesn’t want to see SIL, and she’s actually said she’s happy not to live with her anymore. She sees my brother once or twice most weeks.
Now my brother is grumbling that Abby isn’t restricted from having fun. He doesn’t like that we let her spend time with friends, go to the movies, and do other things teens want to do. He told me she should be on full grounding until she apologizes, especially since she “got her way” and isn’t around SIL anymore. He said he thought that was a given.
I told him he never said anything about that, only that she needed therapy, which she’s in. I told him the therapist said she could be grounded for 20 years (if that were possible) and it still wouldn’t produce the apology he wants. He said she doesn’t deserve to have a fun life and that I should agree with that. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
animocollective says:
Your brother sounds more concerned with his wife’s feelings than his daughter’s actual well-being. It’s possible to protect both, but he’s choosing sides instead of working toward healing. If Abby feels her dad abandoned her for his wife, that wound could last forever.
HungryMagpie says:
NTA. Sounds like you're actually parenting. Well done.
Dismal-Fortune9115 says"
Your brother seems more concerned with his wife’s feelings than with the fact that his daughter is clearly in pain. It’s not about “rewarding” her behavior, it’s about helping her heal. If she’s in therapy and making progress, then you’re doing the right thing.
Sufficient-Poem-4234 says:
NTA. Abby’s behavior toward her stepmother was hurtful, but she’s now living in a healthier environment with therapy and support. Letting her have a normal, fun life isn’t spoiling her it’s helping her heal. Grounding her indefinitely as “punishment” wouldn’t address the underlying issues and could harm her growth. You’re prioritizing her well-being.