Husband admits to cheating on wife by lucid dreaming a 'fantasy life' with his ex; now wife wants a divorce. AITA? + UPDATE
"My (31M) wife (28F) wants a divorce because I live an entirely different reality with my first love (29F) in my dreams"
intrepidreporter9
I (M 31) have been with my wife (F28) for three years. We had a short engagement, married quickly, and have a perfectly ordinary existence. I love her, she loves me. We do taxes, house work. Watch movies. All the normal things. No physical cheating on either side as far as I know.
But here's the thing. I am a lucid dreamer, which means I can, to an extent, control my dreams which is something I find cool as it allows me to go on adventures while asleep. It also makes scary dreams not so bad because I can just wake myself out of them.
Over the last year or so I've been having a recurring dream about my ex, my first love (F 29). Truth be told I never got over her. We were together for 5 years from 15/17 - 20/22. We broke up after I graduated from college because she didn't want to move from New York to South Carolina with me which is where the biggest industry for my field is.
I was crushed but moved on and we've spoken sporadically over the years although we never crossed any lines. I will admit that I've kept up with her own social media a bit but nothing stalkerish. Well a year ago she announced she was getting married and I experienced a resurgence of feelings for her, although I never acted on them or told her.
That same night, I dreamed about her for the first time in years. In the dream she showed up at my door and asked me if I wanted to get coffee. I said yes of course. The dream (which was not a lucid dream) ended there. It felt so real, I couldn't shake the feeling once I woke up. It felt like we were actually reconnecting.
Since then I've dreamed about her several times a week and I've practiced becoming lucid so I've been able to control the outcome more times than not. We've lived a whole life together over the past year.
Everything from dates to a trip to Paris together which we visited while in college. We even re walked the same paths we did in real life. It got to the point I was looking forward to going to sleep to be with her.
Fast forward to today, my wife told me she felt distant from me. And I started to feel guilty because I thought what I was doing was harmless but she's obviously noticed a change in me.
So I confessed. About all of it. At first she that I was joking but when she realized I was serious, she accused me of cheating on her and told her mom and sisters who are calling me a cheating weirdo. She even threatened to tell my ex so she'll know what a "effing loser" I am.
Now I get that it's not anything a woman would want to hear, but it's not like I physically cheated. I don't want to lose my wife, but I don't think she can forgive me for this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
barleyqueen
No one can compete against a fantasy, a dream and your wife has recognised that it is beyond her.
OblinaDontPlay
"Truth be told I never got over her."
Yikes. You had no business leading this woman on by marrying her. You absolutely should be divorced by your wife. No one deserves to be told by their spouse that they are their second choice.
No one deserves to be told by their spouse that they are competing with a fucking fantasy. She deserves better than a man who has an emotional affair with his dreams. Let her go and get some therapy for your issues.
soulangelic
Yeah, no, I think this might be a lost cause. I would certainly consider this cheating, and I think that it does indeed warrant a divorce. You clearly don’t “really love her”—at least, not as much as you love your ex.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
intrepidreporter9
Two days ago, I posted about the fallout that occurred after I (31) admitted to my wife (28) that I've been lucid dreaming about my ex and first love (29) over the past year.
After a major blowup, where my wife called me every name in the book, and got her family involved (which I understand completely so please don't take this wrong) my wife left. I didn't know her whereabouts for over 24 hours.
Early this morning about 3 am she came home and told me she wanted to file for divorce. She didn't want to have to compete with a "phantom" and deserved better than a dirtbag like me.
But she doesn't want to move out or start the process because it's a pandemic and she doesn't want to live on one income (we make roughly the same amount of money -- me 90,000 a year after taxes; and her 85,000).
I tried to apologize to her for all the hurt I caused by making her feel like she wasn't enough, to assure her that I do love her even though I still love my ex and explain to her that I've never physically cheated or had any inappropriate conversation with my ex.
But she won't budge. She doesn't want me anymore. I can't blame her. I was selfish and I shouldn't have carried on what I now accept to be a one-sided emotional affair.
So I agreed to stay together, for financial purposes, for two years (or until the pandemic is over, whichever comes first) but she's kicked me out of our bedroom and basically claimed the second floor for herself.
There's so much tension in the house right now, so I left as soon as the sun came up and went to a coffee shop to do some work. While there, I received a message on IG from my ex that my ex wife sent her a long message from her own account telling her about everything that I told her.
I froze because I hadn't spoken to her in a long time. But she saw that I had read the message and followed up an hour later, telling me she needed to know the truth. So, again, I confessed, expecting to be berated and called a loser again. Because I had nothing else to lose.
But she didn't think that my dreams about her were weird or creepy. She thought it was sweet that I still loved her, especially with her knowing that I'd never tried to have inappropriate conversations or force my way into her life.
I'm aware that her not condemning my actions don't make them right or take away from the hurt I caused my wife, but knowing she didn't think negatively of me made me feel better.
We messaged back and forth for a couple of hours, talking about our relationship and how it ended and the choices we made. In that, I learned that she and her fiance called off their engagement a few months ago. I also told her my wife was going to divorce me because of the revelation. She expressed her condolences and that was the end of the conversation.
I'm home now and I can't help but wonder if this is the universe's way of putting my ex and I back on the path to reconciliation. Hate me if you want, but I made a mistake and I hurt my wife and my marriage is over now. Or going to be.
But knowing that the person I ruined my marriage over doesn't think I'm the scum of the earth is worth its weight in gold. I don't know what will happen now. But I can't imagine a friendship with my ex won't blossom from this, at the very least.
I know this won't make my wife happy since she contacted my ex to further shame me, but I may just not tell her. We are, after all, divorcing. I hope the next few months and years can result in healing for both my wife and myself, and that we'll both live happy, fulfilled lives.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
intrepidreporter9
I hope you don’t take it out on her when you realize that your old flame isn’t the person she was in your dreams. Because that was you. You were in love with another version of you. She’ll be someone else entirely.
Cest_Cheese
Honestly, you could tell by his description of his marriage that he felt no passion for his wife. Perfectly ordinary… they do taxes, housework and watch movies.” The dreams were just a symptom of his discontentment, IMO. Idealizing a past love instead of dealing with marital problems.
kadyg
I have an ex like this and it’s sad. I only hear from him when his current relationship has ended or something else major is dragging him down. He’ll call me to lament his life, strongly hint that I’m the One Who Got Away and make vague plans about coming to visit. (We live about 300 miles from each other.)
The reality is that it’s not ME that he misses, it’s himself at the age/stage we were together. And I’m the placeholder for that memory. Last time we talked, I had just gotten engaged and now I wonder if I’ll ever hear from again, since calling me for emotional propping-up would be pretty inappropriate.
peter095837
...The internet just continues to bring me the weirdest weirdest the more I dive in it.
13surgeries
This was chilling. The OP created an alternative reality for himself. He wrote the script, directed it, designed the costumes, built the set, and starred in it. And now he's convinced that the reality will be even better, but does he even know what reality is any more? I hope he doesn't find this woman's address.