"AITA for making a dumb joke about my boyfriend?"
So I need the opinion of people not attached to me or him. But my BF got mad at me and he's been ignoring me since so I feel like maybe I am TAH. So I am F35 and he is M35 and we've known each other 10 years and dated two. He knows how much I like writing books. I self published a kids book last month and he's been really quiet about it.
This past weekend at my family cookout my father mentioned the book and how proud he is of me but BF walked inside saying he was grabbing our drinks. At the end of the day my parents offered me some money to go to a book convention and BF audibly scoffed.
On the way home I asked what his deal was and he said that his job (he's a backend software engineer) will provide for us and he will let me me have my fun as a creative for now but I eventually have to grow up. I laughed because I assumed he was joking.
He of course was upset and told me my "meaningless" book was objectively illustrated poetry. I shut down and he then was upset I was "acting mad" so I changed the subject.
He continued to make my book a topic by jokingly saying my "glorified illustrated poetry" shows my "middle child syndrome" or that I must crave "mediocre attention" from people. I shrugged and replied "Hey if you think you're mediocre okay..." and moved on.
He texted me the next morning saying I tore him down and was being a bully and he was kidding with me and he hasn't at all responded to me since. I am away on a planned work trip and now I am overthinking it maybe - AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Craptastic_life wrote:
Why does he think it’s okay to “jokingly” tear you down? He sounds VERY immature and unsupportive. Is this someone you really want to hitch your wagon to?
HeatherReadsReddit wrote:
NTA. Please rethink being with someone who outright scoffs and puts you down regarding something that you care about, and who tried to act like he was joking when you got upset about it. It won’t get better. You can find someone else who isn’t threatened by your endeavors. I wish you well.
IcePsychological7032 responded:
A yes to even just one of these questions would trigger the red flag alarms for me:
Doesn't want to share the spotlight? --- Main Character Syndrome? Don't want him.
Doesn't want you to be financially successful? ---- Worrying.
Resents that his work is not fun and yours is? ---- His f-king problem to manage, not my fault.
Doesn't want you to spend time on a career because he thinks you should be at home catering to him? ----- dude gtfo.
Three days later, OP shared an update: "You can't just break up with me..."
Hey yall on mobile but had to post this because what a time to be alive I broke up with Chris a few hours ago boooooy howdy. He had ignored me for a full day and I hadn't reached out to him because I was honestly fed up with his attitude. We've been together for two years and I never have seen him act this way.
I flip-flopped between maybe he was having a bad day or something was going on and he transferred his negative energy in my book but no, he's just soggy moldy baby carrot that didn't think I had dreams of my own or I would throw it away for him.
Our mutual friends told me that he told them that I rubbed my success in his face and made him feel like a simp just following his GF around being ignored when he has a successful business and has the higher paying job.
He texted the day after his silent treatment that my not reaching out to him was a sign that I don't love him and went on to say that I love my book more than I love him because I neglected him while working on it, and then I didn't praise him at the party as my biggest supporter.
The rest of his PARAGRAPHS long text went on to talk about that he had this whole plan that he would marry me and we would be engaged this year but "Then you started not listening to me to drop things an focus on us, our lives and the future" by taking up hobbies and that my therapist poisoned me against him (I was diagnosed with depression this year and therapy has helped a lot).
It hurt because I felt immediately like all I do was just rubbish to him. How the f*#$ can you say that? I loved him so much because he was someone I thought I would be with forever. Guess not. I got angry and was texting him to ask "What's makes you think I don't love you? I'd do anything for you."
And just as I hit send his new message popped up and it said "You wrote your book and you got your party. I assume now that I can finally have my GF back, we can have a talk. I don't think you understand how I want our marriage to be so I want to make things clear."
But then he responded to my message "Are you kidding me? If you're not going to prioritize me over a book no one but you cares about, why am I even staying with you. I can go find a woman supports her man and wants his career and dreams to be successful."
So I said "Alright. Go find her. We clearly don't work. Best of luck."
Him "wait are you breaking up with me?" Me "What do you want me to do you've made it clear I am not what you want anymore."
Him "you can't just break up with me."
Me "Chris - please."
Him "You can't just make that decision for me. You can break us up like this. It's been two years."
Me "Two years in which I wanted to do one thing. I was proud to have done it, and you needed to s-t on it. You've been so sour about it and I don't get it. So get your better woman."
Him "But you can't just break up with me. We have to talk."
He calls. I decline. Him "Pick up. You are being ridiculous."
He shows up at my door and the second I opened it trying to push in but I hadn't let the chain lock on. He was screaming at me. He said I cant break up with him. It's been two years. How do I think it will go for me to try dating again after passing the expiration date for children. That's when I asked him to leave or I would call the authorities.
And he said he will never forgive me for this book as it's ruined me as a person and for some reasons I said "Chris take your mediocre stick out of you mediocre a&^ and be on your mediocre way." And called my parents to tell them what happened.
My mom is over now, plying me with a mixed drink and she's been making fun of the repeated "you can't break up with me" line as he said many times in text and bunch in person.
She said she was proud because I am usually quite passive and she didn't like him bulldozing over me and when I asked her what she meant she brought up a lot of things I never really thought about - Chris would shoot me down a lot and I honestly thought I was compromising for our relationship but it seemed to some that I was just letting him speak for me a lot.
Two years. It feels like a blip and a lifetime at the same time. It's hitting me that it's over and my mom is staying over with me. But I have many WTFs to deal with just not tonight.
The internet was happy to hear the update.
AmethystSapper wrote:
I love your mom....oh honey your ex boyfriend just called to tell us about the break up. I am so proud of you...here let's have another drink.
OP responded:
Lmao that was honestly kinda the vibe. I was so upset and called my parents because I tell them everything. My mom was just like "lock the doors and I will be there in 20 mins" and showed up with vodka and let me cry but then I caught her smiling and was like WTF MOM.
She admitted she was proud of me for dumping him...and glad she didn't have to go to j*il because if I stayed with him after all that she would have to commit cr-mes lol
Dear-Masterpiece-2 wrote:
So what I’ve gathered is he’s a narcissist and can’t fathom the thought of you having anything going on that’s not focused on him. Literally “me me me and me and what I want. Me again and because you won’t conform to a submissive wife focused on me”. What a loser.
OP responded:
It's weird because he never hinted that I can recall that he was ever like this. We've got years if history, and I remember him being interested in things I liked and wanted to get involved in. Then my mom reminded me of my painting.
I'm not a painter. Mom is. And a charity held a gallery event and the theme was something basic and I was visiting mom that week and when I'm at hers and she's painting I sit with her and drink and we chat. But that day I was in a mood so mom struck up an easel next to hers and patted the seat and we painted side by side. She loved my piece and had it submitted for the gallery event.
It was a huge event and mom had a separate exhibit space but my little basic painting was up in entry way with a handful of others and mom pointed it out to Chris and he said it was good and we moved on but at the end of the night mom followed us out and suggested Chris and I might want to take a photo of us next to my painting. He said no, so mom took a photo of me and shared it with herself.
Chris asked me not to the post the photo saying it was a cry for attention and looked desperate and I was taking away from mom's shine so when my mom posted it he was mad at me. Why did I give my mom the photo? Why did she post it. But he suspiciously shared a photo mom took of him at the same gallery even shaking hands with a businessman we ran into stating how proud she was of his work.
The more I talk with my mom even now, the more she seemed to pick up on things I feel bad but when I asked why she never said anything before she said she had but I had gotten angry at her. I had. I can't even remember why.
MidtownBrown68 wrote:
So glad you dumped him.
OP responded:
Me too. I am sad too though. I know it doesn't make sense to be sad to not be with him given what happened but I miss him already. Or as my mom says I miss the idea of him. As I don't miss whatever demon spawn was at my door.
Verdukians wrote:
That two years isn't gone, though. It sounds like you have learned more about yourself, and what you need, and what you want. It was two years of development for moving towards the person you want to be.
His reaction is...worrying. "You can't make that decision for me" is really f-king scary to hear, because it's both modern psychiatry and traditional oppression of women rolled into one sentence. He has a lot of ideas about how he's going to control your life and that's scary. It's so good that you ended it.
The next day, OP shared another update.
I am usually a lurker on anonymous mode so I was overwhelmed in the best way to see all this live and support- it made me cry. Good tears I promise. I cried most of my bitter ones a bit last night on my mom's shoulder. She was right, I don't miss him but the version of him I thought he was. And so I choose to look forward.
Mom and I stayed up and read comments together. She's not an internet gal but loved all your messages and says she's happy to be the famous mom lol. Mom made breakfast this morning and we were eating when the there was knock at the door. My mom held a hand up to halt me and got up herself to go to the door and ask who it was.
Then I heard her say "You have 15 seconds to leave or you're going to be made to leave." I got up to see mom shouting though the still locked door peeking through my peephole. There was someone on the other side talking back to her but she just kept steadily counting down. By the time she got to 6, she had put her shoes on and was holding my broom.
I'm not stupid, I knew it was him even then but then my phone went off and I didn't reply. It was him again. He left flowers and an apology card, along with a stuffed owl bear. Mom asked me if I wanted to read the card and I said I did. It basically was a long winded apology admitting he was being an a$$ but work has him stressed and he underappreciated in general and it all came out in a nasty way.
He's so sorry. He should have given me space and respected me more and he will never do it again. He didn't sleep last night feeling so much regret over what he did and will do better. To please call. That he misses me and lets not throw away two good years of foundation away over a stupid fight.
I handed it to my mother who read it, snorting and chuckling "yeah I bet" to herself and then stood up and went to the kitchen returning with a trash bag and my cellphone. "What's the play, Coach?" She asked and just to freak her out I took the phone and pretend to call the pizza shop "Yes domino's, we need a pizza, yes, I breaking up with my ex and we need to toss his s-t out."
All that to say it's now evening. The sun is lower and my neighbors are watching my house/ I'm my parents' pool in their backyard drinking margaritas with my sister and brother. Mom tells the story to all of them over and over. I had texted him.
"Chris, we are done. All of the things you left at my place are in garbage bags on the porch. The neighbors have there camera pointed at the house so please just take your stuff and go. Don't knock. I am not in. If it's all there on Monday, it goes with the rest of the garbage to the curb."
He replied asking if not home, where was I but I won't be giving energy to this. I will spend the weekend with my family and I feel so lucky to have them. I've decided that I will go for another book.
For those asking for links to this book already out, sorry, but when mom and I read the comments she said "don't you dare put your name out there. They all seem lovely, but you don't know what others will do" and I feel like if I did, it would be like opening the door to Chris like I did last night. You were right, that was dangerous.
But if you are looking to do something nice, I would be absolutely overjoyed if you did one or both of 2 things - 1) Love yourself and truly know you deserve love and nothing less and 2) buy books from a locally owned bookstore/buy art from the artist/commission an art piece etc.
The art world is wonderful but also a struggle and many aren't as lucky as I am to have a strong support system. So support yourself and your local artist. Thank you all. ✨️
Not long after posting, OP shared another small update/edit.
Another edit: sorry there were a lot of same questions in the comments.
Yes, we were an interracial couple, I am black/indigenous/middle eastern. And he is Irish and French decent.
No, I do not want children. The moment I an eligible I will be getting that baby store shut down medically. I would adopt possibly someday but I would not and should not be pregnant. Chris and I were friends before we started dating so I thought i knew him and his family well.
Mom has always been cordial with him even if she didn't care for him. She did the whole Mama thing of hugging him, feeding him etc. Yes mom will adopt you, she says she sends her heart to you and every hug you deserve and more.
Dad didn't come over because and I quote "You wouldn't have wanted me in a space that boy would also be in given what happened" so he stayed the course of his trip he wa on. I intend to be an author whether it be full-time or part time. Oddly enough my book sales are skyrocketing a lot online.
Here's what people had to say after these udpates:
Misterstaberinde wrote:
You see the same playbook over and over again in these relationships: They get together and everything is great, then slowly the s-thead starts negging the other one over minor things, telling them how they aren't good enough, how no one else will want them, too old or fat or poor or ugly for anyone so they should deal with the ab-se, etc.
I almost feel as big a sigh of relief for the mom as the OP. I would be devastated to see my kids dealing with that BS.
TheDestroyer229 wrote:
"I could find any woman I want!"
Okay.
"ArE yOu BrEaKiNg Up WiTh Me?!"
Dude played himself. Don't threaten to nuke the relationship if you aren't ready to follow through. OOP got out before things got far worse for her. And good on her for doing so!
chunguznoodles wrote:
So dude had a bad day and thought he could regain control by bullying OP, and like cowards, backpedal with his mediocre tail between his mediocre legs when OP didn't take s-t.
Dana07620 wrote:
He was threatened by her self-published book? Unless she left out something about the book selling like hotcakes, that's like being threatened because someone wrote a song and put it on YouTube. Literally anyone can self-publish a book because the author pays for it.
2 months later OP had a new, long, update:
Hiya. Forgot about my post entirely then my friend groupchat blew up the other day that my post was read on YouTube and I was like "man I forgot to update that"
A couple months ago I posted about my ex Chris. It's a bit of a trip to Mordor to explain so you're free to read the old posts but essentially I broke up with him because when I achieved a childhood dream of publishing a book for kids instead of being a supportive partner he chose option B) being a butthurt needleless porcupine. Ineffective sure, but damn sure he's not.
Anyway I posted about 2 or so months ago. To answer a couple questions about it all, yes I published using a popular site, no I can't share the title without outing my real name, and yes I did promote it at local conventions.
You guys my book sold a BUNCH. Like last month I made 500 bucks and this past month I made 700 bunch. Like local booksellers have started selling it and I was featured on a couple websites, tiktoks and the like bunch. I will be a speaker at a local to my country book event bunch. A BUNCH bunch. I have been over the ever loving f&^%$g moon about it.
But of course while all this was happening, my break up with Chris was also happening. My brother Cade M37 and my sister Lena F23 (Fake names, skewed ages) were up with me at our parents for the weekend and we ended up making a week of it.
Lena is in school and her classes were virtual that week for some reason (she explained it twice but I was drunk so 🤷♀️) and Cade works for himself and had his laptop, and I had the week off anyway anticipating the break up to suck raw eggs so my poor empty nest parents had all 3 of their rowdy, loud, rambunctious, crazy, and oftentimes chaotic grown a#@ children in their home.
I day that laughing a bit because tbh they f&^%$g LOVED IT.
Dad was beaming every single day. He would come into the guest rooms with coffee in the mornings to wake us up because he cooked breakfast ever. F&^%$&^. Day. And my mom would sit with us at night drinking and laughing. We played all my childhood games like SORRY and Monopoly and we taught our parents some new ones like One Night Ultimate Werewolf, Sushi Go, and Exploding Kittens.
The last of the nights we all were drunk as s&$% and we played Cards Against Humanity. My siblings and I played Truth or Drink damn near every night. It was the retreat I needed to sort of check out from my real life but sadly, it didn't last forever.
Dad took me home at the end of that next weekend. He wasn't about to let me be in the house unprotected so my brother offered to stay a week at mine as well. Dad and brother checked the whole property before even letting me leave the car. Dad snapped his fingers and said "I half wanted him to be stupid enough to be here" before leaving.
I did note that the house looked a bit different than I remembered leaving it but it was small stuff. Like a cup in the sink when I swore mom had done rhe dishes when we left or the blanket being over the loves eat rather than my recliner but the real red flag my dumba%$ ignored as a "huh. Oh well" was that my bed was made.
I do not ever make the bed. I just don't. Chris was military so he does it every day. I should have put the prices together then but I didn't.
Bro and I stayed up all night playing on my PS5 until about 2am when a key was clearly heard unlocking my front door. In walks Chris. Hammered. And I mean HAMMERED. Like so drunk it's a miracle he didn't crash when he drove - yes DROVE - over here. He saw me and just slurred something about FINALLY I came home and he had been waiting.
He didn't make a lot of sense tbh, and Cade was quick about starting to handle things. He told me to call dad, which I did, then started to talk to Chris. "Hey dude you need to leave" sort of stuff and Chris was belligerant.
Dad's phone went to VM so I texted the family group chat that Chris was here, drunk, and then I started to video. Chris, when he gets this drunk, gets to be a lot and then will simply not remember a damn thing and deny ever doing anything, so this was a go-to for me.
Cade is telling him to leave, Chris full handed pushes Cade in the chest telling him this is between me and him, and Cade is the one who needs to leave. Cade then says "OP wants you out. So get out." To which my ex laughs and says "f*$% what she wants. I don't care. F^%$ her. She's a b^%$#."
I then tell him I am calling the police and begin to do so and this man swings on my brother. Cade was in the Marines. You wouldn't know by looking at him. He's about as lanky as they come. His military nickname is even beansprout but he is a solid fighter. He did boxing and kickboxing. So he moved out the way quickly.
The problem with swinging on a guy like Cade when your a drunk guy like Chris is, there's little chance you can hurt said guy. Chris swing, missed, and stumbled, falling into my coffee table head first.
I ran to help him because it looked like a bad fall and I may not love him anymore but I don't hate anyone enough not to simply care if they are hurt or hurting. He was fine enough to grab my hair and yank me down. The rest is sort of a blurry recollection and what I was told happened Mashup.
So I go down. He yanked my hair hard enough for the fall to hurt a lot. Whether he did that maliciously or "Oh s*#$ I am falling GRAB SOMETHING" is debatable but I registered that I was now physically in danger. Being the first daughter born to a Marine and retired Soldier of the Army and having an older brother in the Marines, bet your a&^ I learned self defense.
I'm not athletic by an means and honestly look laughable in a fight, but b&$% can swing. So I punched. I miss his stomach and hit the tender bits. He's screaming and calling me every word he can and the N word flies out his mouth even at one point but he is down and too drunk to recover and get up.
My mom arrives before the police. Look my mom is the best and the sweetest but in that moment she had m*^%er on the mind and it really showed. She came in and saw what happened. He kissed my brother on the forehead and said good job but Cade said it was my blow that took him down and then mom hugged me and kissed my forehead.
She asked us both if we are okay and we were, she then asked if Chris was okay and we explained. She checked him to make sure he was breathing anf didn't need immediate help but he was out like a light.
The cops came and took him into custody but then turned around and asked me if I was a&%^ve towards him. "Do you often punch him/hit him/hurt him?" And "Did you start the altercation?" And things like that. You guys I am not here trying to offend anyone who actually goes through DV but it was a relentless torrent of questions as if I was the aggressor.
I was questioned separate from mom and Cade, and I myself am not a very forceful person. I have to admit, I was flustered. I said something like "I punched him because he pulled my hair" and they turned it on me like "so you a&^*&ted him for touching you," it was like that.
It's all over and they take him only to release him that next evening. How do I know? Becauase he called ME from jail to ask I pick him up. His parents are out of town, so he begged and begged. I was dumbfounded because hey there's a legal issue here now becauase you attacked me and he said he doesn't even remember. There are zero charges against him. That's right. Zero.
Dad was furious (mom took us back up to theirs to be safe) and he called the police about this. He was arrested for a drunken disorderly or something but that's been dropped. Dad asked "And as&^%ting a petite young woman???" And they said they have no record or me saying I was pressing charges.
So my dad handed me the phone and we pressed charges. And they said I had to come in. So we did. The whole process was soul-sucking and the intake officer kept making it seem like we were just the most Karen of Karen's to ever Karen. The way I had to explain myself over and over was dehumanizing. I hated every second.
Dad took us to lunch/dinner after with mom and sister and they all asked if I was okay and I expressed how I felt. Dad was quiet and then said unfortunately it's like that and as a young woman of color, I will face it a lot. Chris's family isn't rich it they are well to do and they also have many members in law enforcement.
But Dad told me not to worry. He already hired someone to handle this bs. He gave me the option of either moving in with them temporarily or him, mom, and bro taking turns staying with me at my house. I chose the easier path and packed the essentials and have been up at my parents.
I am writing this on my cell alone with the family dog, Spock, at my feet. I love my family but stating with them is smothering. Sister had to go to get ready for the new semester but brother has been up there with us, plus mom and dad and my other mom (my brothers bio mother - we are all very close) has been staying over as well.
They are all hovering and doting and protective and by all things holy, I feel almost infantalized. Don't get me wrong I know how lucky I am. I have so many people who love me, who want to take care of and protect me but Jesus someone kill me lol
They arrested Chris again but the court date was moved so its now next week. I guess I will update then.
A month later OP came back with this "final update":
Sorry for not updating sooner. I'm still trying to settle back in with my parents.
Chris is out on bail, his parents hired some big bad lawyer. Court took forever.
I will skip over most of the bs but it was a lot of sworn statements, reports, going through old texts, the works.
My attorney finally was able to piece together proof of Chris slowly growing emotionally, then physcially a%$#ve. While I tried to record him getting physical with us, my camera skills aren't great so I hadn't gotten much on camera especially after he grabbed me. But his texts, the audio from the attack, the fact that he refused to leave and physically hurt me made the case domestic violence.
By the rules, the court has in place a protective order so he isn't legally permitted near me anymore or to contact me in any way. That said if they charge him in the end, he could serve time but not much, or, what my attorney says he is trying to do, he can push for court mandated counseling and a fine.
I've been going to counseling too at the insistence of my grandad who is paying for it. There is talk about me possibly suffering from anxiety. Nothing has been diagnosed but just the thought that he caused my brain salad to be tossed just makes me mad.
Dad is helping me get the house prepped to rent out for now and I can focus on being around the family. We're already decorating for Halloween. Mom is excited to have me around for the holidays as I do enjoy cooking and helping with hosting.
So I guess that's it. I don't think I will make a whole post when Chris gets whatever outcome the court decides. I may just add it here.