'AITA for making my daughter fend for herself after she said my wife has a sad life?'

"Are me and my wife AHs for having our daughter fend for herself?"

ComfortableSeesaw802 writes:

My wife has been a stay-at-home mom since our eldest was born. Even though our youngest is now 12, she stays home to care for the house and be available for pick-ups, volunteering at the children’s schools, various closings, etc.

We have always talked to our daughters (25, 21, 17, and 12) about their futures, careers, etc. We’ve made it clear we’ll support whatever path they choose. Our eldest is 25 and chose to settle down and become a stay-at-home mom. Our 21-year-old is in college, with no plans for marriage or kids, and she wants to focus on a career. We’re happy for both of them and all their successes.

Our 17-year-old, Sasha, is in her senior year and getting ready to start applying to universities. Like our 21-year-old, Sasha wants to focus on her career, maybe get married, but definitely no kids. She’s been saying this for a while, and we’ve supported that dream.

Our other kids seem to appreciate what their mother does and have never belittled her role in the household. I have always painted her as the true hero of this family, as she does so much. I try to do all I can to help her and give her breaks, but she is superwoman in my eyes.

However, for the past few months, Sasha has been making tiny jabs here and there. She’ll talk about going to college and ask my wife what she majored in (despite already knowing), then say, “Wow, imagine what you could make if you were in that field now! We could be living the high life!” or “Giving up a six-figure salary for a husband and kids?

Could never be me!” Keep in mind, I also make a six-figure salary. We are by no means the wealthiest people in the area, but we’re also not broke, and the kids have had many privileges because of this.

My wife has always said that staying home was a choice she made, and she’s happy with it. We’ve both told Sasha to stop with the comments. Sasha will do better for a while, then start up again.

Labor Day is when Sasha “blew it,” in my wife’s words. The two of us set up a BBQ for our family, with everyone there. I grilled while my wife cooked the rest and set it up with our daughters’ help—except Sasha.

At one point, my wife was talking about volunteering at our 12-year-old’s school, as they needed someone to run an art club. Our youngest was so excited about this. Sasha kept making jabs about how boring my wife’s life is. I corrected her, but my wife just kept trying to let it go.

Then our eldest said something about trying to keep up with the housework and a small child at home. Sasha scoffed and said it couldn’t be that hard. My wife chimed in and said it’s more work than you realize. Sasha rolled her eyes and said to my wife, “Well, you chose to be the loser who stays home and wastes her life away.”

My wife was clearly about to cry. I sent Sasha to her room. My wife took a walk to clear her head, and our older two daughters joined her while I went to talk to Sasha and tell her how hurtful and horrible her actions were. She was unapologetic and claimed that she’s just trying to “help” my wife.

When my wife came back, she told Sasha that if she’s such a loser wasting her life away, then she’s done helping her. Our kids have age-appropriate chores (their own laundry and taking turns cleaning their shared bathroom), but she is done doing anything else for Sasha. Sasha can make her own meals.

She’s free to join us at dinner, but it’ll be food she cooks, either from what we already have in the house or bought with her own money. Since Sasha refused my wife’s attempts to teach her how to cook over the years, it’ll be her struggle.

Sasha can also find her own way to school. My wife won’t volunteer anymore at her school either, which means the club Sasha is in will need a new parent/teacher advisor, and if they don’t find one, it’ll be shut down. This will continue until we see a sufficient change in attitude.

I am in full support of this. Sasha didn’t take us seriously, but on Tuesday, when she asked what was for dinner, my wife said she only made enough for herself, me, and our youngest. When my daughter overslept and missed the bus on Wednesday, my wife refused to give her a ride.

I work from home, but I also refused to take her. She had to walk to a friend’s house about 15 minutes away to get a ride. That night, Sasha made herself ramen while my wife made ribs for the rest of us. Sasha later asked my wife when it’d be enough. My wife asked if she was sorry, and Sasha said no. So, my wife said it’s not over.

Sasha went to her older sisters. Our 21-year-old agrees with us, but our 25-year-old thinks we’re being too harsh and says she’d never do this to her little one. Are we being a%@$oles?

OP provided a small edit:

To all asking if we asked her why, we did. Several times. She claims that as she looks to her own future, she realizes how sad it is that my wife has this life and feels bad that she never had a good future. My wife consistently says she’s not sad, and I think that makes our daughter angrier.

Here are the top comments:

Somewhat_Sanguine says:

NTA but I wonder where Sasha is getting all of this hate from. Focusing on a career is fine, staying home and raising kids is fine, but it’s not okay to bash someone else’s choices. She realizes she’s very privileged to even have had a stay at home parent, right? Most families just can’t afford to do that anymore.

I’d try to have a chat with her to figure out where the hatred is coming from. Does she feel the same about stay at home dads? Or is it rooted in misogyny? I’m just curious about why she holds these ideals when it seems like she has two people who are role models who happen to be stay at home parents, your wife and her sister.

OP responded:

We have spoken to her and she says that as she looks to her future, she realized more and more how “sorry” she feels for my wife. She says she feels the same about stay at home dads. That in general, you should be working, children or not, and she feels bad for the people who forfeit careers to be stay at home spouses or parents. I honestly feel this is just her being 17 and thinking she knows it all because she’s choosing one thing in life.

dealienation says:

When you’re around Sasha’s age, your identity is often developed by what/who you aren’t or don’t want to become, as opposed to who you are or do want to become. So this isn’t uncommon, just unkind as it’s manifesting outside of factual statements as disparaging comments.

Your kid is old enough to perform these tasks for herself (as long as you’re providing ingredients and appropriate resources), and an apology is not too much ask from a kid a third your daughters age. NTA.

Humble_lady_7321 says:

NTA. It sounds like you and your wife are setting necessary boundaries and teaching Sasha an important lesson about respect and independence. You're not being a%@$oles; you're responding to her disrespectful behavior in a way that impacts her directly, which sometimes is the only way to make a point clear.

It's essential for her to understand the value of the support she's had, and maybe handling things on her own will help her appreciate what's been done for her so far. It’s tough love, but sometimes that’s necessary to foster maturity and respect.

tossaway1546 says:

Lawd, if I had spoke to my mother that way, I wouldn't be here today to read this story.

What do you think?