'I made my ex think I was infertile so that he’d divorce me. I'm having a baby now.'

"I made my ex think I was infertile so that he’d divorce me."

I haven’t really talked about this with anyone other than my wife (briefly) and my therapist (in depth), and I just really need to get it off my chest I guess.

When I was 17 my parents arranged a marriage for me to the son of a man they knew. It was completely legal, a judge signed off on it and everything. I didn’t really have the option to say no. I managed to convince my husband to let me continue with school until we had kids.

Looking back on it I think he was just humoring me because he figured it wouldn’t take long to make me have his child, but I was so grateful to at least have the chance that at the time I didn’t even care. A friend of mine at school told me about birth control, and I skipped class one day to take the bus to a women’s clinic and ask them about getting on the depo shot.

There weren’t very many “valid” reasons for divorce in the eyes of our families, but infertility was a big one. I didn’t start out with the goal of hoping he’d get tired of me not giving him what he wanted, but by the time I graduated high school I figured it would be my best chance to actually leave.

For the next three years I kept getting the shot in secret. I paid out of pocket for it with money I saved from a part time job he let me have. The longer we went without having a child, the more agitated he’d get with me. I don’t know how long he’d been talking to his family or mine about it, but by the time I turned 20 he decided that my inability to give him a baby was grounds to divorce me.

He sent me back to my parents and I stayed with them until it was finalized. I took what little I had and left in the middle of the night, because I knew they’d just find a different man to marry me to, or they’d find out about the birth control and I’d be in serious trouble.

I got away. I finished my degree. I got an actual job. I met my wife. I’m having a baby now because I actually want to and not because someone is trying to make me do it. I never really thought I’d get away. I hoped I would, and I definitely dreamed about what life could be like if I was allowed to live the way I wanted to, but I never imagined it would actually happen.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing because I’m half convinced I just dreamed it all up, but I’ll look over and see my wife and our cats hogging the covers and I’ll remember that I succeeded. Sometimes I feel guilty for tricking my ex husband. Other times I think I could have done worse. Most of the time I just try not to think about it at all.

I’m sorry if this is all over the place. I’m trying to be vague about identifying details, and pregnancy insomnia definitely isn’t helping me in my ability to be concise. Hopefully this was legible. Even if it wasn’t, thank you for reading it.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Nick_TheGuy wrote:

Wow, I'm so glad you managed to get out of that situation. I'm happy for you that you can finally live your life!

OP responded:

Thank you! I never thought I could be this happy, or that I’d ever get this far. I’m really fortunate that things turned out the way they did.

FriendlyDrummers wrote:

The plot twist that you now have a wife. Congrats on escaping, don't feel guilty. He should be

It's funny, because I doubt he ever considered that he could be infertile.

OP responded:

Thank you! I honestly don’t think it ever crossed his mind. It was always the wives that were blamed for stuff like that, never the husbands.

DandDnerdlover wrote:

Never feel guilty for what you needed to do to escape. Just enjoy your life for what you have gotten now and be thankful you've got that freedom. Arranged marriages are so weird to me.

OP responded:

The concept was weird to me too as a kid. I got in trouble once for asking why I couldn’t just choose to marry whoever I wanted.

updownclown68 wrote:

No marriage where you cannot say no should be legal. I’m sorry this happened to you and I’m glad you were clever enough to find a safe way out.

OP responded:

Thank you. I’d like to believe that if the judge had known I was too afraid to say no, he wouldn’t have signed off on the marriage. In an ideal world, no one would ever be put in the position I was in as a child.

No_Entertainment7927 wrote:

Congratulations, and I know that baby is going to be so loved. Good luck, and get some rest when you can!

OP responded:

Thank you so much! People keep telling me I should get as much sleep as I can before baby gets here, so I try to get rest when I can, but I swear this baby starts playing soccer with my organs every time I close my eyes lol.

These-Process-7331 wrote:

As a woman who is also from a culture where these kind of forced marriages occur: honey I'm so proud of you! Instead of accepting being sold to a soulless POS you found a cleaver way to get out.

The only thing you should be feeling is relief and proud of yourself. At 17 coming up with such a plan without real support is impressive! I wish more young girls would act so smart as you did! And from sheer curiosity: how old was he (I'm guessing in his 30?)?

OP responded:

He was 32. I used to think I was luckier than other girls because he was definitely younger than he could have been so in my mind that made it less horrible, but I’m as old as he was now, and I can’t fathom looking at a 17 year old as anything other than a child.

Not_WinonaRyder wrote:

Holy moly. Arranged marriage is such an archaic concept, but I am from the California so what do I know. I’m curious about your cultural background but I won’t pry for details, especially if it outs your identity. Nonetheless, I’m so extremely happy you followed your heart and intuition.

Marriage should be a choice between two people that are the people making such a binding contract. In your past marriage, you were literally an object that can breed. The fact your parents were able to pawn you off that is horrible and I can’t imagine what emotional trauma you have been through!

I love that you now have a loving wife and are having a consensual child with a true partner is beautiful! I do not know nor will assume your orientation, but I find it interesting that you were just a “prize” for some strange man. Ick. Congrats to the both of you and I’m so happy you have found, are building, and creating your true family!

OP responded:

I’m from the US. Now that I’m older, I’ve noticed that a lot of people think that arranged marriages, especially those with child brides, don’t happen here. It’s an unfortunate reality that it’s completely legal in 14 (?) states, last I checked. Hopefully one day it won’t be like that. And thank you so much. I’m really lucky to have met such an amazing woman and to be able to build such a beautiful life with her.

AmaiBatate wrote:

On the topic of feeling guilty: this was a marriage you didn't want, you were almost forced into getting a child you didn't want, and I guess that there was involuntary baby making involved - long story short, don't feel guilty for tricking your r**ist. He should be happy you didn't chop his dong off. That would've probably also worked.

OP responded:

My wife has told me before that I could have done much worse to that man and been entirely justified lol.