'I made my stepdad an outsider at my wedding that he paid for. I need to make it up to him.' MAJOR UPDATE

When you hurt someone, you can't simply push an "undo" button.

"I (29F) made my step-father (50M) an outsider at my wedding that he paid for. I need to make it up to him but I don't know how."

I ruined the memory of the best day of my life because I was too blind to see what I was doing was hurting one of the most important people in my life. I got married two months ago to the love of my life, and he finally opened my eyes to what I did. He showed me the perspective I didn't understand. When I was 5 my father left us. Just disappeared without trace.

He and my mom were already separated by that point, but he was still living with us. 3 years later my mom started dating Rob. He was quite a bit younger than she was, I believe she was 34 and he was 26. Today he is very wealthy (he wasn't when he met my mom) and he treats my mother like a queen. Whenever she is around him she looks like the happiest person in the world.

My younger sister looks a lot like me and mom, but her personality is for sure a reflection of her dad, always telling jokes and being just a nice person all around while me and my mom are more serious and cold. As I got older, Rob became more present in my life he got married to my mom and she got pregnant.

But it was still pretty weird seeing him as a father figure mostly because people would assume he was my brother all the time. When I was in HS, I was dating this boy, and he broke up with me at my friend's house. My mom was on a night shift and I had to ask Rob to pick me up.

When he did, he comforted me, took me to get ice cream, and when we got home he told me something like this (without knowing what happened) "whoever made you sad doesn't understand that you are the best girl in the world, and its their loss. Don't beat yourself up because other people are too stupid to see it." I just said to him "I wish you were my dad."

He smiled and said that he wished that too, and he could be if I wanted to. We left it at that. I never called him dad. But from that point foward I saw him as a father and I think he knows it. I finally reconnected to my biological father about an year ago. It happened because I got engaged. When I came to my mom's house one day, he was there and I couldnt even recognise him.

He was way thinner than he was when I was a kid. He struggled for years with depression and substance ab*se. My mom and Rob actually helped him get clean and they even paid for his stay at a great rehabilitation center. They decided together that it was time for me to finally meet him again.

I don't want to explore much on how this was, but all I have to say is that I'm glad to have him back in my life and I'm glad for being able to help him heal. He sufered a lot, he got lost. But now he is at least trying. Rob and my mother payed for everything at my wedding, and everything was amaizing. The church was beautiful, my husband looked amaizing.

The one mistake I made: I chose my biological father over Rob. I chose the man that did abandon me for over 20 years over the one the took me as his own and gave me everything he could when he didnt have to. I chose the man that broke my mothers heart over the one that saved her. I dont know why I did what I did. Looking back on it I feel so f#$king stupid. My dad didnt deserve to walk me down the aisle.

My dad didn't deserve to be in all the pictures with my mom and my husband's parents. It should have been Rob. I don't know, I think I was compensating for the time lost with my dad. Everything was still so fresh with him. I was helping him out, he talked to me everyday, I felt like he deserved to be back in my life.

When we were deciding who would give speeches, we had to cut some because it was just too many and me and my husband didnt really like the idea of hearing speeches for and hour and a half. So we decided for 5 people each. When I gave the list to my husband he even asked "no Rob?" And I said "yeah, my mom is already doing one."

The others I chose were 2 of my bridesmaids, my mom, my sister (she really pushed for it) and, again, my dad. My husband said I should reconsider, He even thought of giving up one of his to put Rob in. I said it was fine, he didnt need to do that. My whole thinking when doing this was that Rob has my sister. He will have his moment. This was the only chance my dad had. But I went too far.

I completly cut him out of the party basically. If you look at the photos it doesnt even look like he went. My mom looks like she is faking a smile in half the pictures. I dont have a single picture with him. He only apears in group pictures, and some with my husband. I only realised all of this when I texted Rob 2 days ago, asking him about a gift im giving my husbands for his birthday. He anwsered.

Then asked about my car that is with a mechanic friend of his. He answered. Then I asked him something about my insurance. He did not answer. A little over an hour later my mom called me. She just said "do you have no shame? Do you not understand what you did?" I just listened and she told me not to talk to Rob for now. I was just so f#$king confused.

I got home and told my husband and he just said that he knows what she is referencing but he will talk to her first. Later, he showed me the wedding photos, he went step by step on everything I have listed here. He talked calmly, and broke it down for me. By the end I was crying so much that I had a headache. What an inconsiderate idiot I am.

He told me that he and my mom didnt tell me anything before the party because Rob asked them not to. He understood that it was important for me for my father to be a big part of this day and when they protested he said that they should not make me worry about these small things.

I don't know what changed from before the party to now. My mom only tells me that he needs a bit of time and that he will talk to me soon. My husband keeps telling me that I made a mistake but Rob will be understanding and will forgive me. And I know that he will. He 100% has already forgiven me. He probably felt something when I was texting him that day that broke him down.

I dont know what I said to trigger him at that moment, but also it doesnt really matter. I did the real damage at the party probably since he apeared to be fine with everything else before it (It was not fine by any means). I have to make it up to him. I dont know how but I just do. I guess I'm just writing this here because im a little lost.

I'm too ashamed to talk about it with anyone else I know apart from my mom and husband. She doesnt tell me anything and my husband keeps insiting that everything will be fine and for me not to worry too much about it. And he is probably right but I feel like me not worrying about this is just being incosiderate to Rob again. I have to worry. I just dont know what to do.

I'm now at work, and the only thing I can think about is this. Nothing else matters to me right now. If someone has any kind of idea of how I can make it up to him I would greatly appreciate it. Literally 40 minutes after I uploaded this, my mom texted me saying that Rob wants to speak to me tonight.

The internet had a lot to say to OP.

RevolutionaryHat8988 wrote:

I want to hug Rob. We all need a Rob in our lives.

Deleted Commenter wrote:

You’re almost 30 and needed all of this pointed out to you? You made multiple conscious choices to exclude Rob from your wedding and only cared after you brought up an issue with your insurance: another thing he helped to pay for. At your age you should know that choices have consequences. I’m not sure there is anything you can do to make up for the choices you made.

Odd_Welcome7940 wrote:

Good news: I bet Rob forgives you.

Bad news: He doesn't see you as his daughter anymore. He probably never will. What you did can't be changed. You can't make up for it.

You took the man who gave you more than any other man ever and took him for granted. You will never be able to undo it, fix it, or make up for it. Even worse, even after all that he hoped you would realize your mistake and he would feel like he raised you well enough to figure it out and try to fix it.

He now also feels like you don't see him as dad, but also that it is 100% his own fault for failing you as your dad. I suggest you just pray someday he sees your kids as grandkids and is the amazing grandpa he can be for them. Other than that? Go see a therapist and figure out what is wrong with you.

Because this isn't a singular mistake inside of small moment. This was a series of repeated decisions and honestly shows you have a lot to work on.

What_A_Good_Sniff wrote:

This man came into your life and helped pick up the pieces that your sperm donor left on his way out the door and that's how you repay his kindness? You broke both your parents hearts on your wedding day. Let those pictures of your mom's half smile always remind you of what's missing in the photos. Thankfully, it only took you 60 days to develop empathy.

GTdesade wrote:

Here's your problem: you just won't get that day back. There's no "do over." Because of that I can't imagine your relationship with Rob is really ever going to be the same again. Some warmth might eventually return, but what you did is probably too unforgettable to him.

I just don't understand how nobody in your family said anything to you, not just your mother or husband, but your half-sister as well. I'm wondering if there's a bit more to the story of the wedding planning? Did how you see Rob change after your bioDad reentered your life?

A sincere apology in letter form might be a good start. Spending most if not all of Father's day with him (if he and/or your sibling are ok with that) might be another step. Hell, you might consider naming your first kid (if you have one) after him as well. That's the kind of life-long campaign your might need here.

And please don't take this the wrong way, but you need some therapy. You've obviously got issues about bio-Dad vs Rob. And you've got a huge hole in your empathy that is more than a little concerning. When I put myself in your husband's shoes, I'd be looking at you differently and not in a good way. You need to get better and not leave this blind spot to cause pain to others again.

Three days later, OP shared a big update.

First, I want to say some things before posting:

No, I am not Linda, my biological father isnt dying. Got a DM in here asking.

My sister is mostly just sad, not really mad at me. Just said she understood my situation but it still was really sh#$ty seeing her father taken for granted and sad.

My mother is the person most pissed off at me at the moment. She is the only one that still does not talk to me. I mean she does, but not really.

For the people saying my husband and mother were idiots for not talking to me before: they agree and have told me this. My husband specially. Im not trying to shift blame here, just saying this for the people that talked about it

I was not going to post anything else on here. Not a fan of being called names and for people to keep saying that Rob should leave our family. Although I'm well aware that I deserve most of everything that was said about me.

The coments saying "the apple doesnt fall far from the tree" in regards to me and my biological father were the ones that hurt the most as it is a fear of mine and the reason I dont drink much and dont use any dr#gs or anything that could be add*ctive. But seing how there are other things that could make us more similar than I realised is really frightening.

The day I posted here, my mom told me Rob wanted to speak to me and to go to their home after work. I went and waited for Rob to arrive. When he did my mom left us alone and he started off by saying that he was hurt by what I did at the wedding, that he knows he is not my father and that he would never try to force that on me, but that he at least thought he had some sort of importance in my life.

Seeing me just not give him any importance apart from talking to him when I need help with something made him realise that I do not view him the he thought I did. At this point I was already crying so much that I couldn't even talk. I waited for him to finish and when he did I just told basically what you all saw in the post.

That I f#$ked up bad, that I was incosiderate, that he is one of the most importante people in my life and that what I did was unforgivable. The only reason I am posting it here is because of something during the conversation. He said something about my time at college and I went "but that was because..." and stopped.

He asked me "what? because of what" I just said "nothing, you are right, that was my fault and I should have done better".

He was pretty angry at that point and he started to smile and we talked about me taking responsibility for my actions.

Its something I am terrible at, it was an issue at my old job and since then I have been trying to be better at it but not very successfuly. He asked what changed and I told him about the post. Multiple people in the comments said that I dont take responsibility and yes, they read right through me. I showed it to him and reading the post calmed him down.

And no, he did not read the comments, just the ones I showed it to him, I would not let him see what some of you were saying about my mom. So yes, he told me if I was going to say something else to thank you people for calling me out for not taking responsibility. We talked about a lot of other things not related to the wedding.

At the end I just told him that there were 2 things I wanted to say for him to take away from this conversation: I really did mean it when I was in HS and said that I wished he was my dad. Even now, with my biological dad in my life. I still feel that way. And the second thing is that I know that it will be hard for him to belive it right now because of what happened, but I will try to prove it to him for as long as it takes.

For those interested, I`ve been going to a therapist with my biological father once every 2 weeks since he came back, but I think I need one for myself so I will try to make it happen soon. I want to thank 3 particular commenters that helped me.

The person that told me to take it slow with Rob and dmed me to stop looking at the thread cause I was spiraling. The one that said: "People f#$k up. Sometimes badly. But in a loving and caring family it's never the end of things as long as you are willing to own your mistakes."

And most importantly the best comment that was fair and gave me the right advice: "You are a spoilt, selfish, childish person. I don’t know that Rob will forgive you but you can’t simply wait to see if he does. Write him a letter in which you fully own up to your awful behaviour.

Do not say “I wish someone had stopped me” - that isn’t taking accountability for the way you treat people. With him and your mom paying for your wedding and your in laws paying for your house - you need to grow up and reflect very seriously on how you interact with everyone around you."

I guess the post served as the letter in the scenario, thank you, that was the slap in the face I needed to realise that I need to do a lot of work to improve myself and that the wedding was not its own thing, it was a reflection of who I am right now and I dont like what I see when I look in the mirror.

Also, Rob more or less told me something similar, just not as a agressive, so this comment made me take his words as not him atacking me, but trying to help me understand my flaws. I'm not sure how I will make up for this.

Rob is telling me that over time, just me being how I was before my biological father showed up will be enough for him. I dont doubt him but its not enough for me. I will live with what I did for the rest of my life.

I will always remember. The way I am now I actually need people to call me out for this kinds of things and its not fair to them. I will work on it, I have to. I will try my hardest to not ever hurt anyone I love this way again. Thankfully now I have someone in my husband to help me do that and call me out if needed. Thank you.

Commenters were glad to hear the update.

DrCastor_Rae wrote:

While I’m glad you have finally started to take accountability and Rob has “forgiven” you, I’m sorry, the way you have written this it comes across as “ I made a mistake, whoops people called me out on it, I apologized, they forgive me all is well” is so selfish and dense.

What have you done, what steps have you taken to show that you actually feel bad for how you have treated Rob. You have said nothing! Honestly pay him back the wedding money. Do better honestly.

Staceyrt wrote:

Rob paid for your bio dad to get clean, is he also paying for you to have therapy with him? God I hope not !! Honestly Rob knows who you are, and I wish him nothing but happiness and hopefully a great father of the bride experience with his daughter.

Physical_Front6662 wrote:

You are almost thirty and just discovering that you treat others badly and have trouble taking accountability? Fix this NOW, before your behavior impacts even more people. Or you will be back here in a couple years posting:

"My husband is divorcing me and I need to make it up to him but I don't know how."

Adventurous-travel1 wrote:

The sad part is you cannot go back in time and fix this. You will never look at the day and remember Rob and he will never forget it. You should really pay Rob back for the wedding he paid for. He wouldn’t have done that if he knew what a person you were.

Even if he says no you should save the entire amount and then give it to him and your mom and explain that the way you acted you didn’t deserve the support for them.

Sebscreen wrote:

You frankly don't deserve Rob. Throughout your wedding (which he paid for) and even now, he is holding back so much because he is a good guy and doesn't want to hurt you. Plus your uncontrollable crying pretty much ensured that all attention remained on you and he had to be the calm and collected one not expressing the full extent of his hurt.

And all you can say and do in return is a generic "I'll make it up to him someday" with no timeline, no plan, no action?!! And in the meantime...what? You are going to continue using him for emotional support, money, and technical advice which you know he will do even though you shattered his heart and self worth because he is a good person.

You've known this man for years and years. I'm sure you have some foundational skills in event planning or project management like all functioning adults do. You can't think of a single thing you could do that he would appreciate? Perhaps something to do with all the wedding activities and photos you cut him out of?