'AITA for making my stepson do chores so he moved out to live with his real mother?'
"AITA for making my stepson do chores so he moved out?"
I (41F) and my SO Brian (44M) have a blended family. We have been together for 6 years. Kevin (13M his), Lily (10F mine), and Corey (8M mine). Kevin has been living with us for 1.5 years. (Brian also has a 24M, 23F, and 19F. I have a 19M also.)
Kevin has not had the most stable upbringing due to his mom’s (47F) addiction issues. Kevin was living with Brian while his mother was doing her “thing” for approximately 1 year before I came into the picture. Bree (the mom) thought she would have Brian forever.
They were high school sweethearts and were on and off for years. Brian would work out of town for the most part. However things came to an end permanently when he found out their house had been foreclosed on. Bree was not paying the mortgage and had been spending the money on her addictions.
Do not ask how he did not see this happening. His reasoning was that he was busy working, and she was the stay at home mom and was supposed to be managing the bills and raising the children. Silly, I know.
When Bree found out I was in the picture she apparently sorted herself out and decided she was taking Kevin from Brian and there was nothing he could do about it. That is when she dropped a bomb. She told Brian he was not Kevin’s real dad.
Brian was devastated even though he said deep down he always knew. He asked me what he should do. I told him he had several options. He could get a DNA test to see if he was Kevin’s dad or not, but if he did that then he had to be prepared for the results.
If it came back saying he was not the father, Bree would make sure Brian was not in Kevin’s life. If it came back saying yes he was the father, then we would go to court and fight for him. Brian was never put on Kevin’s birth certificate.
Where we live it does not matter if you raised the child or not. If DNA comes back saying no relation then that severs any parental rights. Even though Brian raised Kevin he would only be allowed visitation and it would be limited.
We discussed his options in depth. Brian chose not to do a DNA test because as far as he was concerned Kevin was his. I fully supported him in that decision. Brian said he just had to play by Bree’s rules.
Brian continued to financially support Kevin. They continued their relationship as if nothing had been said. He never said a word of it to Kevin. Bree never gave Kevin a routine. He was not made to go to school regularly, was not made to do chores, and his personal hygiene was minimal.
Even the cleanliness of the house was not the best. This continued for approximately 4 years. We called Child Services multiple times over the years but nothing was ever done. We ended up having to moving cities due to Brian’s work transfer. Bree shocked us both by asking us to take Kevin with us.
We were more than happy to. I had always wanted him to be with us. This was when the trouble started with Kevin. He developed violent tendencies toward Corey and physically attacked him. I expressed my concerns to Brian and urged him to get Kevin counseling. Neither Brian nor Bree wanted this (again, I do not understand why. He clearly needs someone to talk to).
Kevin was finally going to school regularly. He had a routine, a proper bedtime, and was not up all night gaming. His grades improved. Aside from the usual ups and downs, things were coming together well at home.
Since moving cities, both Brian and I decided it would be better for the kids if I stayed home for a year or so to make sure they were settled in the new city and to help Kevin adjust to the new house and new rules.
I had saved quite a bit over the years so it was financially viable. Even though Brian’s salary was more than enough for all of us, it gave me peace of mind knowing we had that cushion. (We kept our finances separate. We were paying living expenses equally.)
Kevin did not like having limited screen time or having to do chores. It was not just Kevin who had chores. All three kids had them. They were not given ridiculous chores. They were basic everyday life responsibilities. They all took turns. They had to do the dishes (yes we have a dishwasher), keep their rooms tidy, take out the trash, clean up messes they made, and do homework.
According to Kevin this made me the biggest jerk in the world. I was making his life hell. He hated living with us. He hated me. He even gave Brian an ultimatum and told him to choose between him and me. Brian told him doing chores was part of life and they needed to be done. Kevin’s response was, “You and mom never made me do chores so why should I listen to her.”
Brian explained that this is how things work in our house and it has worked for my eldest, since he is the only one out of all the kids who has his own apartment and job. Brian explained that because Bree and he did everything for their kids it has not helped them as adults, since Kevin’s siblings are all on welfare and constantly asking him for money.
Kevin did not want to hear any of it. I was the wicked stepmother. This had been going on for 1.5 years. Kevin had organized with Bree to visit one weekend. She moved cities to be closer. She is 4 hours away from us now. She is clean and sober, has a job, and has a stable living environment.
I am really proud of what she has achieved in the last 1.5 years. That is when Kevin called Brian to tell him he was not coming back. Brian asked why, and he told him it was my fault. I ruined their family. I am nothing but a jerk and a control freak.
He always hated me and he only pretended to like me to shut Brian up. So AITA? Should I have let Kevin get away with not doing chores just to keep him happy and to keep him here? His mom is doing well now, but I cannot help but worry.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
InternationalFee9696 says:
NTA for wanting the best for him and giving him a schedule. That said, he's a child who has had instability due to his mom's addiction so of course he was going to struggle with this routine. Let's hope his mom is stable enough to handle him now.
onegingerbraincell says:
So she's an addict and somehow, she has full parental rights to Kevin, AND your husband was never on Kevin's birth certificate and yet he has full parental rights as well? What is going on here?
LILdiprdGLO says:
When addiction is running the household, you're going to be an angry, neglected, hurting kid. It was easier for Kevin to take his feelings out on you and blame you for everything. For your sake, I hope his mother maintains her quit and can deal with the boy she has hurt.
ChaoticCrashy says:
NTA. Chores, hygiene and limited screen time provide structure and stability for children.