My (F25) boyfriend (M25) works in the creative industry. He works very closely with a girl called Charlie (F28) because their jobs are interlinked; they go on overnight work trips twice a month, travel to another country together twice a year together, etc. They get along really well. I trust my boyfriend entirely. I know where his heart is. He keeps things completely platonic and talks about me constantly.
Charlie’s really attractive and gets a lot of male attention. Historically, the only incident that gave me a red flag was her inviting my boyfriend one-on-one to a spa on one of their work trips, which he declined. This weekend, he invited me on a work bar crawl and all was well, I said ‘hi’ to Charlie, spoke to his other work mates.
Charlie didn’t really make any effort with me; I initiated once in the second bar and that was our only conversation. However, she spent the night constantly going up to my boyfriend and pulling him over for private chats in front of me.
She mostly ignored my existence, didn’t say anything when we spoke like ‘X talks about you all the time, you two are so cute, etc.’ which I would do if I were meeting my work best friend’s fiancé to make her comfortable. She acted like she didn’t even know we were together, stuck to him, and basically ignored me the whole night.
In bar three, Charlie pulled me aside to take photos of her and my boyfriend together. She took photos with nobody else and posted only him on her Instagram story allegedly. My boyfriend said that she really enjoys male attention. There were two guys she was flirting with, one of which was my boyfriend’s best friend.
Later on, even he and my own friend who came along, independently noticed how frequently Charlie kept approaching my boyfriend and thought it was weird considering this is the first time I’m meeting her. I kind of feel disrespected and uncomfortable. They chat to each other a lot on social media since they’re friends.
I feel like since all the guys give her attention, she seems to seek it most from my boyfriend as he’s the only one who doesn’t flirt with her. No lanes have been crossed and they have to see each other every day so it’s not really reached a level where they should address it. I don’t want to ruin his friendship and make it awkward.
I just don’t know how to feel or what to do. I don’t know if she’s thick or intentionally trying to step on my toes. I’ve spoken to my boyfriend about this all, he agrees it’s weird, and I told him to just keep an eye on her but nothing further than that. Part of me feels like if one of my work friends disrespected my boyfriend, I wouldn’t stay so chummy with them. AITA?
TL;DR Went to bar crawl with boyfriend’s colleague. His work best friend basically ignored me all night, got me to take photos of them together, and kept seeking his attention. I’m uncomfortable but there’s not much that I can do. AITA?
Unable-Assignment554 wrote:
Your boyfriend might not have crossed any line , but Charlie really wants to f him like crazy. Maybe she wants him so bad as she is used to of male attention , but your boyfriend is a challenge.
idc78pltk wrote:
This girl is bad news and is definitely after your man. Sounds like she likes to have all men, even if she has to steal them, yikes! but why hasn’t your boyfriend put her in her place? He should have set boundaries and stopped communicating with her unless it is work related.
They go on overnight trips together? Wtf! Don’t take this lightly just because you want to be nice and not harm his “friendship”. He should not be friends with her at all!
WildflowersNdWyverns wrote:
Eh I know you said you trust him and maybe you’re right and he hasn’t done anything. But either way something isn’t right. Over my husband's d-ad body would he let someone who was clearly into him treat me that way lol.
He would have ended up asking her what her problem was or flat out refusing to be pulled away. Your BF just doesn’t seem to be trying hard enough to tell her to fuck off. He let her get away with too much.
JVEMets wrote:
I am sorry but I think your boyfriend did a really poor job of including you and making you feel more comfortable that evening when you were out with Charlie (and I’m a male writing this). Why did he allow himself to be pulled aside so often with Charlie.
Why did he not invite you (or “pull”) you into the photos with Charlie. He may not have been flirting with Charlie that evening, but you were present. I just find that your boyfriend was disrespectful by not sticking by your side that evening.
So after the night out, I (F25) spoke with my boyfriend (M25) and he understood every concern that I raised. I also saw that Charlie messaged him six times after the night out. He always speaks about me at work affectionately.
During the night out, he held my hand throughout the parts of the night where we transferred from bar to bar, he affectionately held my face and said that he was a gentleman for only me in front of Charlie (F28) and he calls her ‘bro’ and ‘mate’ at work. I found out that Charlie sent him photos of her skimpy outfit choices prior to the night out.
I read his messages, which we argued about and I apologised for breaking his trust. He had replied to her platonically (“Top one is better”) to end the conversation but it was too passive of a response to s-xy photos, in my opinion. I also remember that she tried to get my boyfriend to carry her jacket that night and referred to him as ‘Petey poo’ whenever she mentioned him (not his real name).
He sought counsel from a few of his friends on the situation, showed them the photos Charlie had sent, and the universal opinion was that Charlie is a homewrecker. If you recall, my boyfriend’s best friend, who came along that night and was the one who noticed how uncomfortable I was, tried to kiss Charlie but she played dumb as if she didn’t hear him.
The next day at work however, the first thing she did was go up to my boyfriend’s desk and bragged ‘your friend tried to kiss me!’, laughing about it. She allegedly has a history of fishing for compliments.
My boyfriend suggested he confront her directly about her behaviour but I told him it might be better to try setting boundaries more directly first in case she spread drama around the office since she seems unhinged and if it didn’t work, then he should consider confronting her.
This is because their work is really interconnected and going in really hard might make his work situation even more uncomfortable than it already is. My boyfriend also spoke with his other workmate who is in a relationship.
His workmate advised that Charlie has made inappropriate comments to him as well in the past about her adult toys to which he replied “not at work”. Charlie also treated his workmate’s girlfriend similarly during a different work outing. Two weeks ago, Charlie came up to my boyfriend’s desk thrice, insisting that they should match costumes for Halloween.
She accidentally called it ‘couple costumes’, and suggested characters that were a couple. He shot her down on three separate occasions saying that that would only be okay if she were me. So from here on, it’s been a bit of a miserable situation for my boyfriend where he has been purposely cold to her at work and he has stopped messaging her outside of work.
He has been telling her to go away when she approaches his desk, and even suggested she get a train on their next work trip instead of riding in the same vehicle. It’s made his work situation a bit awful because he’s a lovely, bubbly, person and cannot maintain a fake persona of friendship without being miserable.
So, given the misery of it all, my boyfriend decided to finally confront Charlie during their long journey back from a work trip yesterday. She asked him why he’s been so weird lately and he told her everything (except the Halloween costume thing because he forgot). She apparently cried throughout the journey and said that she genuinely didn’t mean to appear that way.
She said that she sent him the outfit pictures because she saw him as one of the girls (but she supposedly only sent those photos to my boyfriend and the guy that she had a crush on??). She gave her side of the story and mentioned that since my boyfriend said that I was quite secure, she didn’t think twice, thought everything was okay and that I wouldn’t be jealous.
She has had guy best friends in the past and they have interacted in that way. She supposedly had a guy best friend that had a crush on her while she was in a relationship, which her ex-boyfriend didn’t appreciate. My boyfriend lay down his boundaries and said that while he cannot attribute intent to her actions, it still has crossed a line.
She said that she’ll have to second-guess herself each time she interacts with him and he told her that maybe she should. She said that he should have confronted her earlier and he agreed. He said that she can still be his mate but she needs to respect the boundaries he has set because his relationship will always take priority.
And that’s where we are now. I feel like it’s great that he has set his hard boundaries. He says she was genuinely really upset and didn’t want to seem like she wasn’t a girl’s girl. My boyfriend can go back to work without the tension of the elephant in the room. I said I probably shouldn’t attend their work Christmas party and he agreed saying it will cause tension.
Just generally about the whole situation of their friendship, my gut feeling is that I still don’t like her and part of me doesn’t want their friendship to return back to the way it was before but I can’t figure out why or what I should say, if I should say anything at all since he’s officially done everything he can.
I don’t know what boundaries to consider moving forward in terms or their friendship or if I should just let it go back to how it used to be with the cautionary side of the boundaries now in place. I don’t care if she apologizes; I don’t like her.
Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks for all the help guys, I have read every last comment and appreciated the support.
TL;DR: Spoke with my boyfriend, he acted purposely colder toward Charlie and made work really tense. After one month, he confronted her.
whyme0207 wrote:
I think you should go to the Christmas party.
Foolish-pleasure-99 responded:
Totally. Since everyone are clearly "friends" now it would be inappropriate not to go -- might send mixed messages if he goes by himself. Plus, it will give her an opportunity to act human to you. (she needs all the practice she can get).
OP responded:
Really good point tbf. I should go because of the free food and I like his other colleagues. If she wants to talk, she can talk. I will definitely go. I think the ‘tension’ partially comes from me. I’ve been feeling really triggered over this whole situation. Like, I’ve been feeling so anxious over the work trips even though it’s just the situation we’re stuck in and there’s nothing else that can be done.
Even if I know him and understand him, I feel so anxious and unhappy with the situation. This is so unbelievably shit and nothing can be done because of the circumstances. It’s like this job has some grand conspiracy to put them in terrible situations together like a sitcom and I feel awful.
Learning-Power wrote:
"One of the girls" was the icing on the manipulative personality disorder psycho cake 🍰
OP responded:
He says she was crying and genuinely believes that she was really upset about it but my girly senses just ring. Who the hell cries when they’re being called out for being a weirdo?? How thick do you have to be to think any of that is remotely okay??