'I met my wife and her charming cousin on the same day. Now things are complicated.' UPDATED 3X

"I (30M) met my wife (29F)and her cousin on the same day, and now things are getting complicated."

I don’t even know where to start with this because it’s messy and feels like it’s only going to get messier. But here goes. I (30M) have been married to my wife (29F) for four years. No kids yet, but our life together is solid. She’s everything you’d want in a partner—kind, supportive, funny, and genuinely good-hearted. I love her deeply and wouldn’t trade our life for anything.

From the moment we met, my wife and I have been so in sync. We share the same values, we love spending lazy Sundays together binge-watching nature documentaries, and she has this effortless way of making me laugh when I’m having the worst day. Beyond all of that, she’s stunningly beautiful.

I still find myself staring at her sometimes, wondering how I got so lucky. She’s not just my partner; she’s my best friend, and I’ve always felt like we were meant to find each other. But there’s this thing I’ve been carrying with me since the very beginning. Six years ago, I met my wife at a planetarium. I was there on a whim, just trying something new, and she was with a group of friends.

We ended up chatting after the show, and I was immediately drawn to her. She gave me her number before leaving, and I walked out that night feeling like I’d just met someone special. Here’s the kicker: her cousin (30F) [24F at the time] picked her up after the show. My wife introduced us briefly as she got into the car. I only saw her cousin for maybe 30 seconds, but something about her just…stayed with me.

I didn’t think much of it at first, but when I saw her cousin again at a family gathering months later, it all clicked. She had this magnetic energy—confident, sharp, and a little mysterious. The kind of presence that draws you in without effort. We made small talk, and it turns out we had a lot in common. That was the first time I felt that twinge of “what if.”

Since then, I’ve only seen her cousin at family events. It’s always been perfectly normal and cordial—never inappropriate. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about her more than I should. There’s always been this nagging thought in the back of my mind, wondering how different things might have been if I’d met her cousin first.

Now, here’s where things take a turn. Her cousin has recently fallen on hard times—job loss, some personal struggles, and she’s trying to get back on her feet. My wife, being the kind and generous person she is, has suggested that we open our home to her cousin for a few months while she sorts things out.

I haven’t said yes or no yet. I’ve played it cool and supportive because, objectively, it’s a reasonable and compassionate thing to do. But internally? I’m freaking out. I’m terrified of what this might stir up. On the one hand, I know I love my wife, and I have no intention of jeopardizing our marriage.

On the other hand, the idea of living under the same roof as her cousin—being around her every day—is making me confront feelings I’ve spent years trying to bury. I don’t know what to do. Do I just suck it up, keep my distance, and deal with it? Do I bring this up to my wife (without going into too much detail) and suggest that maybe it’s not the best idea? Do I need therapy?

I hate myself for even being in this situation. My wife doesn’t deserve this. She’s amazing, and I don’t want to let her down. But this whole thing is starting to feel like a ticking time bomb, and I have no idea how to handle it without hurting everyone involved.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. I’m open to any advice because I clearly need some perspective. Is there any harmless way to approach this conversation?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Kind_Imagination6740 wrote:

There’s NO harmless way to approach that if you love your wife suck it up.

OP responded:

I get it—sucking it up might be the easiest path. But whether the undertones I’ve noticed are real or just in my head, the idea of my wife being in this situation unknowingly feels like I’m betraying her trust on some emotional level. That’s what’s really making me hesitate. I don’t want to let this fester into something toxic for our relationship.

Ok-Adhesiveness8579 wrote:

I feel like a lot of people can come across "confident, sharp, and a little mysterious" when you first meet them. But are you willing to ruin the years and memories that you invested with your wife over a silly thing like temptation? We are all human and can recognize when people are attractive, but entertaining thoughts like "what ifs" are opening your heart and mind to bad things.

Respect your wife and your marriage. Appreciate what you have before you lose it all over a dumb "what if." That was in the past, focus on what you have now and be grateful. There are probably a million men who would thank whatever god to have a wife like yours. And it's also super confident (and no offense a bit delusional) of you to think it is or will be mutual between you and her cousin if you try something.

She probably sees you as a family member, and that will never change. If it is such a big burden to you though, you should be honest with your wife and accept the consequences that come with it. And maybe work on your relationship to closen your bond again with your wife.

Do activities together, learn a new hobby, or do something else that requires you two to spend quality time alone. And if you are attracted to confidence, you can build your wife's self-esteem up to be confident as well. Your wife is the reflection of your love and treatment. Take care of her and love her the way she deserves.

OP responded:

You’ve nailed it—“what ifs” are dangerous, and they only open the door to bad decisions. I think what’s complicating this for me is that I’ve noticed subtle undertones with her cousin, whether real or imagined, over the years.

Even if it’s nothing, the thought of living under the same roof while my wife remains completely unaware feels wrong. It’s like I’d be keeping a secret from her just by being in that environment. You’re right that I need to focus on strengthening my marriage and being grateful for the incredible person I have in my wife.

phonicallysound wrote:

Hmm, it definitely sounds like a tricky situation to navigate. Not a professional so take my input with a grain of salt. First of all, I want to say that you can’t control what you feel. Emotions can be illogical and irrational to those who aren’t experiencing it (and even to those who are!).

It sounds like you know and understand yourself well enough to see things from an “objective” point of view; did writing the post help you process some of those feelings? To me, this honestly sounds like “the grass is always greener” fantasy turning into a chaotic messy situation because you’re not sure if faced with the chance, would you actually hold strong and faithful to your wife.

I dealt with a similar situation back when I was in college and started a long-distance relationship with my then-girlfriend (now wife) who had been convinced it was a summer fling. We have been together since ‘17. Wasn’t her cousin though…more so a classmate/coworker I was around fairly often and meshed well with.

I think as humans, we are allowed the grace of our own thoughts; plenty of people have second thoughts about their partner throughout their relationship at different stages in their lives.

It is not indicative of your character until you choose to act on those thoughts. My take? You’re just dealing with the feelings that has come with your interactions with her cousin; it does not seem like you have made any active effort to pursue them.

The thought that keeps me aligned in my relationship: each and everyday you continue to be with someone, you are choosing to be with them. If you haven’t left the relationship, you are “telling” yourself that you accept the good and bad that this specific person brings into your life whether this is subconscious or not.

And with that, comes the responsibility to prioritize that relationship; again, this sounds like what you are doing. I suppose the final bit is how to figure out the situation you’re in (which is ultimately dependent on your relationship with your wife and the types of discussions you’ve had surrounding your relationship).

Do you trust in your bond with your wife that you two can weather this out together? If so, yeah, maybe feelings are going to be hurt and things will get messy, but ultimately your relationship will come out stronger afterwards.

And you won’t be holding a deep dark secret that could topple down the world as you know it (as over exaggerating as that sounds). Personally, communication has been the key to my connection with my wife; hard conversations are a vital part of healthy relationships.

On the flip side of things, you can argue that you don’t really know what’s going to happen and that you’re just overthinking it all. Just keep everything on the DL…who knows? Maybe once it all plays out, you’d look back and kick yourself for being so stressed out. I’d like to point out that this would be one of the better situations.

Unfortunately, the possible negatives outweigh the positives; leaving a ticking time bomb like that to “explode” at a moment’s notice with no safeguards sounds much more…unappealing to experience. If something is “inevitable”, then I’d want to deal with it in a way that I would prefer if I had the choice. Anyway, best of luck! You will get through it one way or another and life will keep moving forward as it always has.

OP responded:

Thank you for your thoughtful perspective. Writing this out has helped me process, and I think you’re right—what matters is how I handle the feelings, not just the feelings themselves. The tricky part is that there have been subtle moments over the years that made me wonder if there’s an unspoken mutual awareness with her cousin.

Even if it’s all in my head, the idea of having her stay here and my wife being completely unaware of this emotional conflict feels deceptive. It’s something I need to figure out without letting it harm my marriage.

[deleted] wrote:

DO NOT talk to your wife about this. Talk to a therapist. Also, you need to get a grip that you don't really know this cousin well at all and have created this whole story in your head about her. Maybe living with her will make you realize that. Also, this cousin gave no indication that SHE would be into YOU in any universe.

OP responded:

You’re absolutely right that this could all be in my head. That said, there have been subtle moments over the years—small things like a lingering glance or an offhand comment—that made me question if there might be some underlying mutual awareness. Regardless, it’s not about whether those moments were real or imagined.

What’s bothering me most is the idea of her staying here for months, with my wife unknowingly in that environment. It feels like an emotional deception, and I’m struggling to reconcile that with what’s best for everyone. Therapy is probably where I need to start unpacking this.

A month later, OP shared an update:

I wasn’t expecting to update this, but a lot has happened since my first post. For context, I had shared that my wife’s cousin was going through a tough time, and my wife wanted to open our home to her for a few months. I was hesitant because of a long-standing, mostly unspoken attraction I’d harbored toward her cousin, and I was grappling with how to handle the situation without damaging my marriage.

First, I want to thank everyone who commented on my original post. A lot of you gave me solid advice—some of it hard to hear, but necessary. The overwhelming sentiment was that I needed therapy, not a conversation with my wife about these feelings, and I took that to heart. I started seeing a therapist a couple of weeks after posting.

It’s been eye-opening, and I’m learning to untangle a lot of the emotional baggage I didn’t even realize I was carrying. Still, going to therapy hasn’t been an immediate solution to the emotional quagmire I find myself in. Every session unearths new layers of guilt, shame, and confusion about my feelings.

I’ve begun to realize that my attraction to her cousin was never just about her; it’s tied to insecurities, unfulfilled fantasies, and even my struggles with commitment. This has been a humbling and, frankly, painful realization. As for the living situation, I caved.

My wife was so earnest about wanting to help her cousin, and with the added pressure of family dynamics, I couldn’t bring myself to say no without raising questions I wasn’t ready to answer. So, her cousin moved in about six weeks ago. At first, everything was fine. Cordial, even. Her cousin was polite, grateful, and kept mostly to herself.

We navigated around each other easily, and I started thinking maybe I had overthought everything. Maybe therapy was helping me keep things in perspective, or maybe the attraction was just a product of my imagination after all. But beneath the surface, I could feel a constant undercurrent of tension.

I found myself hyperaware of her presence in the house—her footsteps in the hallway, the sound of her voice, the way she carried herself. I hated how attuned I was to her movements, and yet I couldn’t turn it off. It felt like my mind was betraying me, dragging me back to feelings I was actively trying to bury.

The first couple of weeks were deceptively smooth. I focused on maintaining boundaries and keeping interactions brief. She was friendly but never overstepped, and I started to think I might be able to handle this after all. But even then, there was a part of me that felt like I was walking a tightrope.

One wrong step, one unexpected moment, and everything could come crashing down. But then, a few nights ago, everything changed. It was a Friday, and my wife had gone out with some friends from work. Her cousin and I were both home, and she cracked open a bottle of wine after dinner. I wasn’t drinking—I’ve been trying to be mindful of boundaries—but she seemed intent on loosening up.

We ended up chatting in the living room, and for the first time since she moved in, the conversation veered into personal territory. At first, it was harmless. She talked about how difficult things had been for her over the past year—losing her job, ending a long-term relationship, and feeling adrift. I listened and offered words of encouragement, but then she said something that made my stomach drop:

“I just wish I had [my wife’s] life.”

I tried to brush it off as a general comment, but she kept going. She said she envied everything about her cousin—her stability, her marriage, even the way people gravitated toward her.

And then, she looked me straight in the eye and said, “She’s so lucky to have you. I wish I’d been that lucky.” That moment hit me like a freight train. Her words hung in the air, heavy with implication, and I felt a flood of emotions—discomfort, guilt, panic, and a terrible, fleeting sense of validation.

I hated myself for that last part. I hated that even for a second, I had allowed those words to resonate with me in a way they shouldn’t have.

I froze. I didn’t know what to say, and before I could come up with something, she backtracked, mumbling something about how she’d had too much to drink. She excused herself and went to her room, leaving me sitting there in stunned silence. The next morning, she acted like nothing had happened.

She was cheerful and chipper, chatting with my wife at breakfast as if the conversation from the night before had been wiped from her memory. I, on the other hand, couldn’t shake it. I haven’t told my wife about any of this. My therapist and I have discussed how bringing it up could shift the focus away from my own accountability and put my wife in an unnecessarily painful position.

I’ve been trying to navigate this as responsibly as possible, but the situation is starting to feel untenable. Every interaction with her cousin now feels charged, even though nothing inappropriate has happened. I’m hyperaware of everything—her tone, her body language, even the way she looks at me—and it’s exhausting.

I’ve started avoiding being alone with her, but with her living here, it’s impossible to create total distance. The weight of it all is starting to take a toll. I feel like I’m living a double life—pretending everything is fine on the surface while battling this storm of emotions underneath.

It’s not just about her cousin anymore; it’s about what her presence represents and the cracks in my own foundation that I’m being forced to confront. Earlier today, she brought it up again out of nowhere that she wishes she had my wife's life and it out me at my wits end... I unfortunately did not ask her for more clarification on that.

At this point, I don’t know what to do. Therapy is helping me process my own feelings, but the external circumstances are growing more complicated. Part of me thinks I need to insist on an exit plan for her cousin, but I also know that would raise questions with my wife that I’m not ready to answer.

To anyone still reading, I could use advice on how to navigate this. Do I need to come clean to my wife? Do I push for her cousin to find another place to stay? Or do I just keep working on myself and hope the situation resolves itself without any more drama? Thanks for listening. This whole thing feels like a slow-motion train wreck, and I’m trying to figure out how to stop it before it derails completely.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

eden60 wrote:

Spend more time with your wife. Take her to dinner, just get out of the house with her. If she wants to invite the cousin to tag along, tell her straight up that's not the offer. You want to spend time with **her**, you feel the loss of privacy keenly. Once you talk to your wife about this, that genie ain't never going back inside the bottle.

thejoebrossuck wrote:

Just don’t hook up with her bro. It’s actually super easy to NOT hook up with someone lol. I’m not gonna lie if her cousin is actually thinking of making moves on you then she’s a massive piece of crap. I don’t care what life issues she’s got right now.

Away-Understanding34 wrote:

I think you need to softly approach your wife about a departure date for her cousin. I would say you miss having privacy in your own home and that the comments her cousin made about wanting her life has made you uncomfortable (because, let's face it, it has).

Have you explored with your therapist what you think is possibly missing in your relationship to shift your focus so much to her cousin instead of your wife? Have you taken your wife out on dates or trips to spend more time together to reconnect? You need to put your energy into your relationship.

Not long after posting, OP shared another update:

I didn’t expect to be posting again this soon, but after sitting with everything I wrote earlier and reading through a lot of your comments, I realized I couldn’t let it sit. Against the advice of many, I decided to speak to her cousin again directly and ask what she meant when she said what she said earlier.

Also, I realize that some people are reading into this and saying that I haven't mentioned my wife much or that I intend on having relations with her cousin whether physical or emotional... I assure you, you are WRONG. The only reason I've mentioned the cousin more than my wife is because she's the one making me uncomfortable.

A lot of you seem to be under the impression that I'm leaning in that direction, have poor self-control or that I'm delusional but the issue is just that I've been attracted to her and it's not something that I can just shut off, so I'm trying my best to navigate this safely in my own HOME.

Not everyone is wired the same...I hate that I have to start out so strongly in defense of myself, but the assumptions are just false and disheartening. I would NEVER cheat on my wife, and that's not just out of obligation, it's love, respect and self-control. I'm not an animal just guided by his urges, but I'm not immune to feeling uncomfortable especially in my own house where I'm meant to relax and rest my head at night.

The entire hesitation and pause with this situation was because I wanted to tell my wife everything but I didn't want to hurt her or damage her relationship with her cousin based off of one-sided feelings or assumptions. Lastly, to the people saying this is AI or ChatGPT, what would I stand to gain by wasting my time with this weird fantasy?

There's an actual person on the other side of this in an emotional gulag rn, but I'm glad someone is seeing how surreal my situation is I guess. Now, moving on to the actual update I'm sure will draw more scrutiny in the court of public opinion. Things were awkward between us since earlier in the day when she made that comment...the one where she said she wished she had what my wife has.

It wasn’t just the words, it was the way she said it. I couldn’t shake it; So I decided to ask her. No buildup, no sidestepping. I just said, “What did you mean by what you said earlier?” At first, she kind of laughed it off...said she didn’t mean anything by it, that it came out wrong, blamed the wine and stress. But I pushed. I told her it didn’t feel casual to me.

That I’ve been carrying the weight of it all evening, and I needed her to be honest. Maybe I should've left it, but gut feeling. She got quiet and admitted it. She said she’s attracted to me, not just in a passing way, but emotionally and physically. Apparently, it started with admiring the way I treat my wife, the kind of marriage we have, but over time those feelings grew into something else.

She swore she never meant to say it out loud. That she’s been trying to bury it. But she also said being around me every day was making it harder to pretend. And then she apologized, said she knew it was wrong, and she never meant to cause problems. I didn’t know what to say. I was stunned, honestly.

I stepped outside for a bit, read through more of your comments, and came to a pretty clear conclusion: I couldn’t keep this from my wife. Even though the conversation had just happened hours ago, sitting on it any longer felt wrong.

My wife got home about two hours ago and I didn’t want this to become some secret side conversation, so I asked both of them to sit down then told her that I confronted her cousin, what she admitted, and how it made me feel. My wife looked at us both and the silence was deafening. She asked her cousin flat out if it was true, and she didn’t deny it. That’s when it turned into a full confrontation.

No yelling, but you could feel the emotion coming off both of them. Weirdly enough, her cousin made a comment suggesting that my wife doesn't fully appreciate what we have, and that led to a bit of a heated back and forth. I just stayed silent like a fly on the wall through it all, because I honestly did not want to be there in that moment.

Apparently, her cousin was interested in me from the start but my wife thought that stopped being a thing once we started dating officially because her cousin has always been supportive of us. After a bit of back and forth, my wife asked her to give us space, so she left the room without saying much more, and my wife walked upstairs.

I went up and then against my better judgement decided to tell her the full truth including how I felt, the fact that I've been going to therapy, the full 9. She was devastated to say the least, she even looked a bit disgusted and defeated honestly and she said that she does not want to continue this conversation now.

I decided to pull an all-nighter in my car, which I know is gonna suck on work tomorrow but I need space to think. Her cousin has texted me since then asking to speak, but I've just ignored her messages.

I'm sorry it had to end up this way but I couldn't stand feeling like I was holding this emotional secret from my wife. I did exactly what most of you including my therapist suggested I not do but I feel so free now honestly.

Thanks for the support, honesty, and even criticism everyone. It at least provided different perspectives that didn't even cross my mind as potentialities that someone thought that way. I’m reading everything, even if I can’t respond to all of it.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

phigene wrote:

Im sure you're tired of hearing it at this point but my guy, you need to learn when to keep your thoughts to yourself. We all have intrusive thoughts, it can't be helped. But its our actions that define us.

There were several points that you could have stopped this: when you decided to confront the cousin, when you pried it out of her after she tried to excuse herself, when you sat them down instead of just telling the cousin you're flattered but not interested (even if part of you was), when you came fully clean about thoughts you never had any intention of acting on.. literally none of that was necessary.

The next time you have a hankering to be "brutally honest" ask yourself if the information you're seeking or giving is more hurtful than helpful. If the former, really think about what is gained by disclosing. Did you actually do anything wrong? Did the cousin? You just had some thoughts.

But now through your unnecessary truth bombing, you have potentially ruined 2 relationships. At the very least, you have fractured the trust between everyone involved. And for what? What was gained by this gratuitous oversharing? A clean conscience? Pretty steep price to pay if you ask me.

Worldly-promise675 wrote:

Your wife deserves better than you and her cousin. You may have not cheated physically, but you have emotionally and mentally. As the vows say forsaking all others. Real love for your wife doesn’t have the sustained thoughts and feelings you have expressed for your wife’s cousin.

ETA: As soon as you had an attraction to your wife’s cousin, you should not have pursued a relationship with your wife because of your lingering attraction for her cousin. In your mind, your wife is the better choice as a partner, but you are not in love with her. You love what she brings to the table, but her cousin arouses your lust.

Unfortunately for your wife she is naive and blinded by her genuine love for you. Time will tell how well therapy will work and I hope for you and your wife’s sake that it is true love you feel, but actions speak louder than words.

CarlosBlackson wrote:

Great story 👌🏾 top notch. The whole point of going through this with your therapist was so you could resolve these issues, without causing harm to your wife, but no, you couldn’t let it go, you had to confront not just the cousin (let’s be honest, you wanted your ego stroked by hearing her say she wanted you).

But then go tell your wife, because in your head you wanted a scenario where you had two women wanting you. Why would the cousin want to speak to you, if you’ve basically just blown up her relationship with your wife. I know this is not AITA but you most definitely are in this scenario.

After receiving lots of feedback, OP shared yet another update:

Good morning internet, this is an update to my 'imploding marriage' as a lot of you called it. I replied to as many comments as I could last night before I fell asleep, but to bring everyone up to speed, after my last post, I sat in the car for a few hours reading comments and replying before returning to my room. Wife was asleep and I fell asleep not too long after.

She was supposed to be in early today at work, but ended up taking a health and wellness day, and I called my superiors and informed them I had a family emergency so I just had to show up for accountability then left. We sat down and she started off by saying she appreciated that I had the integrity to tell her the entire truth when staying quiet would've been the easier option.

Her issue really was that she felt like I should've told her before she extended the invite to her cousin so she could understand why it would be an issue. We've had a vaguely similar situation in the past with a coworker of hers that she had a thing for that seemed to be making moves on her, but we navigated that way smoother than this, and she ended up shutting it down and ultimately transferring departments.

She said that she gets that this situation is a lot more complicated because it's closer to home but she would've still appreciated the honest truth before we got to this point.

She was ofc angry and hurt when I basically dropped two nukes on her last night, but in hindsight says she appreciated that I brought it up with both of them there and allowed her to ask all the questions at that point without interjection, but she was overwhelmed by the timing of the follow up conversation and just had to sign out.

I tried my best to explain to her that I really did not mean to hurt her or drag this out. Especially after all the comments I read, I started thinking maybe I didn't understand my wife and our relationship as much as I thought and that I may be a bit narcissistic.

So I made sure to clarify to her that I didn't enjoy pitting them against each other and didn't want her to feel like I was relishing in them having some twisted competition for my attention. But she shut that down immediately saying the thought never even crossed her mind.

We had a bit of a cry and held each other while I told her I felt like I betrayed her trust by being indecisive and that as a man I should have nipped this in the bud a long time ago, but she reassured me that she understood why I did what I did and that she did not expect me to move any differently.

Apparently, last night after I went back to the room her cousin left and booked a stay at a cheap motel/hotel joint for a few nights. (She left a note on her bedroom door). My wife still wants to continue the status quo with everyone being here so her cousin can catch herself properly, but I insisted that while I understand her intentions, boundaries were crossed and I don't want her around the house much longer.

She was a little annoyed by that but agreed. A little background, both my wife and I grew up in extended families, so our cousins are like siblings to an extent. She's a first generation, and I was born here but grew up outside the country and later moved back to start my career.

The reason that's important is messy family situations are par for the course for both of us and she believes in forgiving mistakes, but I just feel like she's being too naive and rushed with her forgiveness. I've been through my own messy situation with a sibling and eventually forgave him, and she's ited that as a reason for handling her cousin the same.

I love this woman and her optimistic outlook but I just feel like she's allowing the disrespect to pass without addressing it properly. I want to make something clear to the readers now, English is my second language, and so at first I used ChatGPT to revise and rephrase my first post and it's update so it would read better, but as of my last update I've been typing everything myself.

A lot of you in the comments believe that I'm acting in a way as to force a breakup so I can cheat in peace but it's never crossed my mind honestly, I was just freaked out and acting like an idiot. I can not see myself with anyone other than my wife. Some of you have brought it to my attention that I talk too much and should've left certain things out, and without disappointing, I may have done the same again.

This morning on my way back from work, I decided to call her father briefly and explain the situation as he's also been a close mentor and supporter of ours, and he told me not to stress it and even though I should've had better timing to not overload her, honesty was the best policy.

We both come from single-parent households that broke due to cheating and the subsequent lies that followed, and so it's always been my motto to lead with the truth even if it sucks. I failed my wife and my family by taking so long to speak about this, and I really am hurt about that. I've hurt multiple people all because I couldn't stick to my guns.

I've had to read some opinions here that had me thinking my entire relationship had imploded and I was on the verge of divorce and it was all my fault. Funnily enough, some people said it was over because I revealed the truth while others said it was over because I didn't reveal the truth quickly. My wife and I are okay now, and she messaged her cousin wanting to talk and she agreed.

That conversation is supposed to take place tomorrow, and I may do a final update after that if things progress since a lot of you are invested in my story. Thank you all again for all the well wishes, insightful, and critical, messages. They definitely did a lot to help me open my mind to different perspectives even though a lot of them were hard to read.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

ElectricalWall2084 wrote:

I agree she is being incredibly naive. She doesn’t know what she doesn’t know to be fair. She doesn’t know yet that at every family function if you go anywhere without her and she doesn’t see your cousin her mind will jump to conclusions. She doesn’t know how much this will fester in her mind. It will slowly eat and chip away at her.

The trust in your marriage will never be the same. Her relationship with the cousin will never be the same. The one thing I will commend you on is recognizing the cousin crossed a line and has to go. You hopped right over that line with her when you had the follow up conversation with the cousin.

But if your wife chooses you, you need to be clear you don’t want to be around the cousin after she disrespected your marriage. Telling your wife she doesn’t appreciate what she has is just as snaky as you agreeing to her moving in knowing how you felt. If you truly love your wife and want to continue being married keep the snakes out of your garden.

Ididntsaytepid wrote:

You can’t simultaneously hold yourself up as a champion of truth that just couldn’t lie, while also knowing that you had this in mind from day one of your relationship. Also, about your wife’s coworker, you’re telling me you had a shining example of how to handle this situation and just…didn’t? You could’ve talked about it then.

You could have referenced it when the cousin wanted to move in. You could’ve empathized with your wife at the time saying you know how she felt and used her example to not get yourself into this situation in the first place. And further proof that you’re not the honest guy you think you are.

Because telling her didn’t matter even when going through a similar experience. The reason some people are saying you should’ve told her and others are saying you should’ve kept it to yourself is because of this. You did it in the most selfish way possible. You let it fester, and then only told the truth to relieve yourself.

Edit because this is also bothering me- at no point did you set the cousin straight, or tell her to stop, or cut it off, or reprimand her for disrespecting your marriage. As scummy as you and the cousin are, you also blindsided her by not even making it an issue until you were framing it in front of your wife. Encouraged it even. Just gross.

mediumsizedmaze wrote:

Sigh. I still think you made this into a huge problem because you loved the attention of two women. You harbored a crush for years, doubled downed and made the cousin admit to her crush, then had your wife confront her cousin while you stayed silent. That doesn’t seem like the action of a confused man. It seems like the actions of a man hedging his bets.