'AITA for playing a voice recording to prove to my friend her daughter isn’t non-verbal?'
"AITA for playing a voice recording to prove to my friend her daughter isn’t non-verbal?"
So I (30f) have a friend (34f) who has a “non-verbal” daughter (3f), let’s call her Allie. She isn’t diagnosed or anything, but everybody says she doesn’t talk at all. I watch her four days out of the week in my in-home daycare.
I require contracts for every child and she never filled out the special needs section. And at no point when she asked me to take Allie did she mention any type of speech delay or non speaking issue...
Although Allie doesn’t speak much around other adults, she communicates her needs to me very well and says small things to me frequently.
Last week I was in the bathroom (I keep the door cracked so I can listen and make sure everybody is safe), and she walked by and said, “Ew, you stinky.” I laughed and told her mom what she said, and I was met with, “SHE ISN’T VERBAL, WHY WOULD YOU MOCK HER?”
I reassured her that Allie has spoken to me quite a few times and I thought that it was a huge milestone. She told me she didn’t believe me and that it was messed up that I would make up something like that to upset her. I told her that I wasn’t trying to upset her, but I wasn’t lying either, so I didn’t press the issue further.
Here’s where I might be the AH. I decided to record Allie (a voice recording, not her face) telling me her name and what her favorite animal is.
** I had full intention of showing mom the recording, but I was scared at first because of her blowup at me and I didn’t know how she would react. After a few short pickups and drop offs she told me it was water under the bridge and that she didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
She even insisted that I went to the birthday party. After that I was just happy Allie could continue and I ended up forgetting I had the recording at all.
Fast forward to yesterday. She had a birthday party for her other child. At the party, I was socializing with other family members and I mentioned the funny things Allie has said to me. Turns out the person I was talking to was her sister, and she started yelling at me, saying, “SHE IS NON-VERBAL, WHY ARE YOU LYING?”
Both her and her sister started berating me, saying that it is messed up that I’m making this up about Allie being verbal. At this point, I was tired of being called a liar. I have two disabled children, and my son was non-verbal for many years. So while everybody was staring at me, I decided to prove my case and play the voice recording.
Everybody was shocked, and my friend told me to leave. I told her I didn’t want to cause issues, but I’m not going to be berated and called a liar. She said that I crossed the line recording her daughter and that I’m an a&#@ole for embarrassing her at the party. Now I feel horrible and am wondering if I should have just let it go.
OP had this back and forth in the comments:
saucisse says:
This made my "call CPS" Spidey senses tingle. What on earth is happening in that home that this child will not talk in front of her family?
OP responded:
I used to have Allie at the daycare I was previously working at when she was a baby. I ended up leaving because the other teachers were borderline abusive emotionally/verbally to the toddlers in the room next to me.
I called state on them multiple times but nothing was ever done. I left there two years ago. My friend said she continued at that daycare up until two months ago. She confided in me saying that Allie was abused at the daycare but didn’t get into details.
I told her why I left the daycare and that’s when she asked for a spot at my in-home daycare and I obliged. Since then I have noticed that Allie get scared very easily (lf she drops something she immediately get scared and says I sorry I sorry. But other than that I haven’t seen really any other signs. But I’m also not a psychologist of any sort so I’m not exactly sure what to look for.
imnotreallyhere-why says:
NTA. Why are they so fixated on the child being non verbal like its some kind of badge of honor? Are they getting some kind of benefits out of it?
OP responded:
I’m not really sure. My son was nonverbal until he was almost 5. His first word was “pizza” and I was so elated that I threw a party.
Edit for clarification and extra context from OP:
Whenever she would pickup and drop off she wouldn’t ask me much other than “how was her nap, how much did she eat” and I would hand her the daily report then she would leave and not stay for small talk even when I would try to initiate.
I know people have busy lives so I’m not gonna try to make them stay and talk to me about their life story.
I also didn’t do the recording to embarrass her in any way. I didn’t mean any vindication by it. I can admit I should have shown her immediately after I recorded it but I’m also human and I was afraid of a second blow up. Then after her saying it was water under the bridge I was just happy that she wasn’t gonna take Allie away so I put it in the back of my mind and forgot about it.
I feel bad about how I went about my defense (hence the post). I know it was unprofessional and unethical. I apologized profusely to everybody at the party and the family as well.
I will be putting cameras in my home that everybody will have access to as well as updating all the contracts to let parents know what is going to happen going forward. Peace of mind for everybody sounds good to me! Also, I will be making a call to cps about the situation and see what they have to say. Thank you everybody for your kind words ❤️
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. I can’t imagine what this child is going through being treated like she’s completely non-verbal when that’s not the case. In fact, I can’t help but wonder if the way her mother seems to react may have a part to play in why she’s not verbal around her mother…
That being said, you did the right thing trying to bring this to the mother’s attention in a polite and calm manner. Her reaction was unreasonably abrasive, as any parent of a non-verbal child would be over the moon to hear that the child is beginning to make progress.
I don’t think recording the child’s voice was in the wrong. You weren’t posting it all over the internet, you weren’t gong behind the mother’s back and showing people the recording. And you only did it after she berated you for lying, which wasn’t the case. You recorded the voice to specifically try to update the mother on her daughter’s condition as having that updated knowledge is important.
I would normally say it may have been a better option to ask permission to record the child’s voice, but judging by the way you describe the mother I feel like that probably would have just led to more conflict in the first place.
ETA: also, she embarrassed you at the party, not the other way around. It’s not your fault she feels embarrassed for not knowing her own kid better.
Unfortunately I use the term “friend” loosely. I used to work at the daycare her daughter went to when she was a baby (I was the baby room lead teacher). I left the daycare about 2 years ago after dealing with other teachers trying to verbally/emotionally abuse the toddlers (I called the state on them and they told me to keep my mouth shut or I’ll be fired) so I left.
When she got wind that I had an in home daycare about 2 months ago she called and asked for a spot. Up until a month ago she seemed nice and well put together but now I’m not so sure.
Oh yikes alarm bells are definitely going off that this child who is supposedly non-verbal is more comfortable speaking in a relatively random place to someone they don’t know that well than at home to their own mom. You definitely did the right thing.
NTA. Why are they so fixated on the child being non verbal like its some kind of badge of honor? Are they getting some kind of benefits out of it?
I’m not really sure. My son was nonverbal until he was almost 5. His first word was “pizza” lol and I was so elated that I threw a party lol
Hope it was a pizza party 🥳.
Absolutely! 🍕☺️