'I proposed to my GF. She doesn't think we know each other well enough. It's been 3 years.' MAJOR UPDATE

"I [26m] proposed to my girlfriend [26f]. She said no because she doesn't think we know each other well enough yet. It's been 3 years. She doesn't want to break up but I think she should know by now if it is a yes or a no. I do."

I've known I was going to propose to her someday since our fourth date. I just never felt in a rush to do it and figured the time would come. We're young and having fun. My mom is pretty ill and she's started passing on heirlooms to the family kids. Last month when she gave me her engagement ring a very calm sense of focus came over me and I knew that ring belonged to my girlfriend.

I left straight for my girlfriend's and proposed immediately. It might not have been the most romantic setting but I didn't want to waste another minute without my mom's ring on her finger. Once she realized I wasn't joking her response was underwhelming to say the least.

A brief summary of her main objections (in order to the best of my recollection):

- We're still in our honeymoon phase. We've never had a serious disagreement and don't know how we'd be at handling that.

- We only share the good times and can't promise to be there for each other in bad times when we don't know what that looks like.

I think us getting along so well is a reason we should get married! The good times will make any bad times worth it.

• We don't know if we'd be compatible living together.

But we spend weekends at each other's house and have gone on many vacations. No issues that weren't easily dealt with have ever cropped up.

• We don't have a serious relationship, just a fun one. We don't confide the important stuff in each other. We don't rely on each other for emotional support.

Her biggest example for this is that she didn't know my mom had cancer for a couple months but I didn't want to deal with it. She was my escape from that.

She also reminded me that when her grandfather passed her friends were there for her, not me. I would have been if she told me she needed me! I didn't realize she had a hard time with it, she never said anything. She said she's not blaming me, just pointing out that it's weird both of us exclusively went to others for comfort. She said we've never really connected on a deeper emotional level.

I don't see why we can't start. We have love, with a little patience the rest will fall into place.

• We've never really discussed our future and don't know what the other wants out of life.

I don't think it really matters? If we love each other we'll find a way to make it work. I'll support her in whatever she wants to do and there's no dream I have more important than being with her for me.

• Married life comes with a completely different set of responsibilities and expectations from each other. We won't have the same easy-going, independent relationship if we commit to building a life together. We'll need more from spouses than we're exchanging as girlfriend and boyfriend right now. She doesn't believe I understand what that really means.

I don't really see why this is true. It's our marriage and we can make it whatever we want. Also I'm not afraid of increasing my commitment to her and being there for her. I want to!

- She can't help but wonder if this is some repressed grief response to my mother's illness. She thinks I proposed because my mom is sick and I want to make her happy.

I gotta be honest: this one hurt. I've never known anything with as much clarity as I know I want to marry her. She said she's willing to start working on us forming a stronger connection, maybe even moving in together, but I feel like after three years she should know if I'm the one or not. Either she loves me or she doesn't.

Edited to add: when my mom gave me the ring she said "of all my kids you're the one I know will make the best decision with this." My mom knows me better than anyone and I believe her.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

iki0o wrote:

It seems to me that she is right and totally being reasonable. Neither of you really communicate deep personal issues with the other. It's been all fun. Which is fine. But without going through problems together it's hard to know what the other people is truly like.

When she said it right now, maybe later. She actually means it. Take this time to get more personal with each other. Don't be offended. If anything, it means she's taking it seriously, wanting to make damn sure you're the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

Inevitablename wrote:

I don't know if anyone else is surprised, but I know I was when I read what OP's girlfriend had to say. Those are some really practical, level headed thoughts, and OP, you conveyed them very well even if you disagree, so you deserve credit too. Listen, she isn't saying never, but that as is, you two have been coasting without figuring out if you two are on the same page as to serious life goals.

You think she should know after three years, and generally speaking I usually agree with that, but given her reasons and your ages, I find her explanation...reasonable. So what do you want to do? If you really don't buy her response, then walk away, because you think that if she doesn't know now, the answer is actually no.

If you do take her seriously and you do want to marry her, she's given you a point by point list of ways you two can get to know each other better, e.g. cohabitation, talking about future goals, actually relying on each other for emotional support during hard times.

And talking about the practical nature of if you have kids and if you do who takes care of them and what religion you raise them- etc. Your choice, too. Best of luck with the decision and your mother's illness.

OP responded:

Yeah well I'm glad I conveyed them well. They're all I think about now. It's like all the thinking I didn't do finally caught up and there isn't enough alcohol or cookies.

ranchojasper wrote:

Can I ask you - what are you friends' and family members' relationships like? I'm just having such a hard time understanding how you got to your mid-20s without realizing this barely-speaking booty call relationship where you've never had a real conversation in three years is not a serious relationship that's next step should be marriage.

Are you friends just all single? What are your parents like? How did it come to be that you didn't get an example of what a serious relationship looks like? Is this a cultural thing? I'm struggling to understand this.

OP responded:

My parents are divorced but co-parent. I have some married friends but spend a lot of time with my single friends. I spend most of my time outdoors or with my brother. I like new experiences and seek them out a lot. Relationships just haven't been that big a deal. I work and play, she's the only change in a long time.

A few months later, OP shared an update.

Hey guys! So I didn't reply to a lot of the many, many comments I got but I did read them all. Most of them more than once! Wow, a lot has changed for me. Posting here made me think about a lot more than just my relationship with my girlfriend. There's a lot of changes I need to make in my life and I'm working on them every day!

I've been resisting growing up for awhile but I realize that if I want to get married someday I gotta start working on being an adult. Basically, the biggest changes in my life is I moved in with my girlfriend and have my first real job instead of working for my dad! It's a trip, but a good one so far! Did you guys know you can fold a fitted sheet wtf?!?

I'm going to school next year and am hoping to be a park ranger eventually. My girlfriend actually suggested it and I was kind of blown away that I'd never thought of it before it's literally the perfect career for me. I never though I'd be one of those guys who has a career and not just a job that pays the bills. I'm super pumped and I can tell my newfound ambition is a giant relief for my parents lol.

After a series of really amazing conversations with my girlfriend I realize I had no idea how deeply you could love someone when I proposed to her. I was definitely in puppy love. Someone in my original post said something about slowing down and enjoying the scenery and I realize now that was exactly what I needed to hear.

I don't know what my hurry is, there's a lot to experience before my mom's ring needs to make a come back. I also really, really had no idea about my girlfriend's goals and life plan and see what you guys meant about that needing to be discussed!

I've also been reading a lot of the books that people recommended to me and wow, they've been incredibly helpful in ALL the relationships in my life. They've also made it obvious how naive I was, you called that one! I'm very grateful and appreciative of all the help you guys gave me!

EDIT all the people who want a list of books will get it tonight when I get home!

TL;DR Put my mom's ring away, moved in with girlfriend, going back to school and want to be a park ranger. YOU GUYS ROCK!

The internet strangers were happy to hear OP's positive update.

rilakkuma1 wrote:

I missed your original post but I'm so excited to read this update. That's great that you and your girlfriend are still doing so well and that you're growing as a person.

pamsabear wrote:

Good for you. I'm massively jealous of your ability to fold a fitted sheet.

OP responded:

She's still way better at it but it makes me feel like a magician or some s#$t when I pull it off.

thebambiraptor wrote:

Hey! I've worked seasonally as a ranger and have a few friends who have as well (all in the national park service)...none of us have any military experience (in response to a comment I saw in here). Feel free to DM me if you have ever any questions. I may be able to help! Good luck with that and your relationship!

OP responded:

My girl set me up with this park ranger whose been helping me. I'll reach out if something comes up, I really appreciate it man/ma'am!