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'My roommate take care of me after my breakup. Now I realized I have a crush on her.' UPDATED 2X

'My roommate take care of me after my breakup. Now I realized I have a crush on her.' UPDATED 2X


Feelings can spring up at the most unexpected times, for the most unexpected people.

"I (26F) realized I have a crush on my roommate (24F)."

We have been living together for more 2 years now. My ex boyfriend (26M) and I had been high school sweethearts but we were LDR after I moved for work. He confessed that he had started a relationship with another girl and he dumped me in the middle of the pandemic. I was a mess. My panic attacks started to happen way more frequently. I was a barely functioning.

I just worked, cried and slept for two whole weeks. She is amazing. she took care everything around the house. She made me cake. She helped me through my panic attacks even though it absolutely destroyed her sleep patterns. I am doing better now but I can't bring myself to look at her. I have thanked her a lot but that is not enough.

I am doing much better (more pills) now but I feel incredibly embarrassed. how can spend time with someone like her? She is so self assured, kind, assertive and brilliant. She is a gorgeous, amazing woman and I feel so self conscious just sitting next to her. There is a pit in my stomach whenever we talk now. I don't want to bother her anymore.

How can she look at me and not a feel a bit of contempt? I don't know if she likes me anymore. I know that she is hurt by this, we used to spend a lot of time together. Now I make excuses. I feel horrible. How do I deal with and communicate with her that I am grateful for her help and trying to deal with my feeling of what happened without putting pressure on her to help me?

Commenters had a lot to say.

GamerViking wrote:

Seems to me like you need to 'return the favor'. Give her a gift or take her somewhere? Do something nice for her.

OP responded:

I have done this. I bought a pair of shoes she really wanted. it made her happy! That was one of the better day I had this year. It is just I feel really awkward of hanging out with her.

swansong92 wrote:

She sounds amazing and most importantly, KIND. I'm sure the predominant feeling she has for you at this point is concern, OP. I completely understand you feeling embarrassed (been there, done exactly those things), but please don't think she's embarrassed of or for you as well.

By all means, plan something nice for her: cook a nice meal, offer to clean her room or the whole house, offer to take her for a walk, whatever you can think of, and I am sure she will appreciate it and you two will grow closer because of it.

OP responded:

I am too terrible a cook to cook her something! But the rest are great idea. I could do those. Yeah she is a very kind individual.

DaLoCo6913 wrote:

Perhaps you feel a little guilt that someone that you see as perfect took time to help you. Think about it like this she sees immense value in you, that is why she invested in you. She also knew the person you were before your breakup. Hug her often, expressing your thanks. You will see that you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

OP responded:

I feel so nervous even thinking about hugging her. I don't know why that is.

Yeah she is as close to perfect a person can get.

the-effects-of-dust wrote:

Listen, friend. Everybody - literally EVERYbody - goes through a breakup of some sort that just wrecks us for an undetermined period of time. Sometimes that breakup happens in highschool, sometimes in our 50s.

But everybody has a moment like this, and if you’re really fucking lucky, you have a roommate/friend like yours that’s been there, done that, and knows the perfect medicine.

If I may possibly step out of bounds a bit, the way you described feeling hit VERY close to home for me.

Insecure (around your friend), ashamed of your (totally valid) emotions - I think you may have some things beyond a bad breakup and pandemic that might benefit from talking to a therapist. I can’t diagnose you with anything but a lot of what you said reminded me of some of my darkest depression moments. Back to how you can fix the situation with your friend - I say just talk to her!

Tell her exactly what you told us. “I look up to you, you seem so put together, you helped me so much during my breakup and I feel so silly and small and just a complete mess compared to you.” I guarantee she will say something like “listen I’m f#$ked up, too” or “oh hun everyone has that really f#$ked up breakup, and hopefully they have someone who loves them to help pick up the pieces.”

Four days later, OP shared an update.

My roommate has been an angel while I was a barely functioning adult due to my break up with my boyfriend. She took care of me and helped me deal with my panic attacks. I felt really embarrassed to just hang out with her. I was incredibly nervous but I posted about this and people gave me some great suggestions.

One of the suggestions was to take her to the park for a walk. She loves the park. Both of us were done with work earlier yesterday. We went to the park together. We just talked and hung out. I felt a lot of embarrassment about exposing my worst, vulnerable moments to her.

I really love her company and I have missed this. Just hanging out with her. She bought me flowers as a joke and my heart skipped out of my chest. That was a really weird reaction. Then while we were eating tacos and she was joking about her job. I realized, this felt kind like her date and this was the best date ever.

I had an almost overwhelming urge to kiss her. We got back to our apartment and I just shut myself into my room and tried to understand all this feelings.

I have never felt this way about a girl. I am scared. I don't know what to do here? Should I just to ignore these feelings?

We still have a long lease left and I don't want her to be creeped out by me. Some part of me is telling me to shut up. It would just weird her out. I will become the funny story she tells people, her roommate she had helped out of kindness (or pity) and then creeped her out and wanted to be in a relationship. I don't know, I am scared about ruining our friendship too.

TL;DR My roommate took care of me while I had a very bad break up and I have developed feelings for her. I don't know how to deal with this.

The internet was quick to offer advice.

robintheyounger wrote:

Slow down. Stop for a minute. Don't think about complications with your roommate for a moment, especially if she's straight. Maybe rewind to how you feel about possibly being attracted to a woman for the first time. S#xuality is not something that is strictly defined one way for our entire lives.

For some people it may evolve over time, for some people they may know comfortably who they're attracted to without further introspection. This can be a weird and confusing time if you have thought you were straight your entire life. You may be straight and conflating your deep feelings of gratitude and the vulnerability you shared with romantic feelings.

You may genuinely be attracted to her and you'll only ever be really attracted to this one particular woman. You may be bis#xual or pans#xual. It's a lot to try to grapple with! Maybe start with some resources for LGBTQ questioning youth. You're not a youth but these resources will be for people who are just starting the process of wondering if they're not straight.

Do you have any LGBTQ friends or groups in the area? Have you watched any media with positive LGBTQ representation, particularly of female-female relationships? Just try to get comfortable with the idea before you try to decide what you want to do with your roommate. After you ponder it for a bit the concept may get less scary, or you may realize these are intense but ultimately not romantic feelings.

Wanting to kiss her and express physical affection is a clue that you may have genuine romantic interest and that's okay. Just keep treating her with respect for the time being while you work out your own stuff.

OP responded:

Hey! Thank you for commenting. I did end up getting a few books. It helped me sort it out. I think I am bi and I repressed my feelings for women and I thought it was pretty normal to find women to be attractive. I probably have a ton of internalized homophobia to work through.

Three months later, OP shared another update.

My post didn't get a lot of attention but some people did provide me with really good feedback and this is a happy update! I decided to to keep my feelings to myself and understand if it was just my gratitude and learn about myself in that time. I read a few books and I did some introspection.

I have always liked girls. In hindsight, it is pretty obvious why I hated seeing my best friend with her boyfriend. I brushed those feelings aside as just jealousy for how good their relationship was. Teenage me was pretty dumb. I also realized that my roommate was probably as#xual. I have know her for a long time and she has not dated one single person. Never brought a person home.

It made me feel hopeless about my feelings for her. I came out to her about a month ago. I had left one of my books laying around and she handed it back to me. I made a bad joke. I ended up explaining that I think I am bi. It was pretty awkward. She told me she was into girls but she thinks she is a demis#xual and it takes her lot to form the emotional bond needed to be ready to have s#x.

I probably made a mess of the conversation. I thought there was no way she would for such bond with me. She ended up asking me out while we were cooking dinner last week. I was pretty surprised honestly. It is scary and a bit awkward moving from being roommates to girlfriend.

Scary as hell but even with all the uncertainty about if we could work. I feel incredibly comfortable around her. I can be myself and I know she won't judge me and she loves it.

TLDR: I came out. She asked me out. Starting a new relationship.

The internet loved the positive update.

badgurlvenus wrote:

"And they were roommates!"

Congrats OP!!

cmzraxsn wrote:

Oh my GOD they were ROOMMATES!!!!

jv_level wrote:

Alright...this is taking the old joke "what do lesbians bring on their second date?...a moving truck!" Too far! You moved in before you even knew you were bi!

Congratulations! This is lovely. Go get em!

Catbug94 wrote:

And realize she feels the same nervousness as you but took a step forward- go through this one day at a time- there is NO rush for anything, congratulations :)) Also being roommates I've learned some tips about like spending alone time. even if you live in the same space and still going out on dates even if you can have a comfortable one at home so ye hope that helps a bit too.

This is genuinely so sweet.

Sources: Reddit
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