'AITA for refusing to give a man, technically my dad, a kidney to save his life?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to donate my kidney to my estranged father who abandoned me as a child?"
Substantial-Bad8796 writes:
I (28F) was raised by my mom after my dad walked out on us when I was 5. He left to start a new family and had little to no contact with me growing up. He never paid child support or even called on birthdays or holidays. For years, I struggled with feelings of abandonment, but I eventually moved on and built a life without him.
Fast forward to now—out of the blue, I get a call from his wife telling me my father is very sick and needs a kidney transplant. She told me that I’m the best match and begged me to get tested. Apparently, his other family members aren’t compatible. I told her no.
I don’t owe him anything after the way he treated me. He made his choices when he abandoned me and my mom, and I feel no obligation to put myself through major surgery for someone who’s essentially a stranger to me.
Since then, I’ve been bombarded with messages from his side of the family, calling me selfish and heartless. They say I’m letting him die out of spite and that I need to “be the bigger person.” Even my mom thinks I should consider it—not for him, but to avoid carrying guilt if he passes away.
I don’t feel guilty. I feel like he’s reaping what he sowed, but part of me wonders if I’m being too harsh. AITA for refusing to donate my kidney to the father who abandoned me?
OP provided an update two months later:
It's been two months since I posted here, and I just wanted to give an update on everything that has happened. After my post, I took some time to sit with my feelings and really reflect on whether I was making the right decision.
I thought about all the birthdays he missed, the times I cried myself to sleep wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him, and how my mom struggled to provide for me while he built a whole new life without a second thought.
Then I realized something—I wasn’t saying no out of revenge. I was saying no because I didn’t owe him my body, my health, or even my forgiveness. I told his wife and the rest of his family my final decision: I would not be getting tested. I made it clear that this wasn’t about spite; it was about boundaries. I wasn’t his daughter when he left me behind, so he doesn’t get to claim me now when he needs something.
The backlash was brutal. His wife called me a "monster," saying I was sentencing a man to death. His children—my so-called "half-siblings"—sent cruel messages, blaming me for their potential loss. Even my mom, though she tried to be understanding, kept asking if I was sure I wouldn’t regret this.
But here’s the thing—I don’t regret it. I actually feel free. For the first time in my life, I realize I don’t need to chase validation from a man who was never a father to me. His choices led him here, not mine.
As for him? I heard from a distant relative that he's still waiting for a donor. I don’t wish him harm, but I also won’t sacrifice myself for a man who didn’t care if I was alive or dead for 23 years. I’m moving forward with my life, and I refuse to carry guilt that isn’t mine to bear. Am I the A-hole because of this reasoning?
OP responded to some comments:
beekay8845 says:
NAH you are not the AH. When you needed him he wasn't there for you.
OP responded:
I’m not going to risk my health for someone who couldn’t even bother to be a father to me.
Lucky-Effective-1564 says:
NTA. But if you've not seen him for years how do they know you're the best match? Have they taken blood samples?
OP responded:
They assumed I’d be a good match because I’m his biological child.