'AITA? I refuse to forgive my pregnant fiancée just to make everyone else's life easy.'
"AITA? I refuse to forgive my pregnant fiancée just to make everyone else's life easy."
Background
I met my fiancée about 3 years ago. She came to a meet-up of a hiking group I was a part of, and through the sort of getting-to-know-you questions, we discovered we are from the same relatively small town.
This was the summer of 2022. Around Christmas of 2022, we both went home and decided to introduce each other to our respective families, which led to each of our families meeting as well. Since that time, our families have been incredibly close.
My dad and her stepdad regularly golf together, go hunting, and go fishing together. My mom, my sister, and her mom are in the same book club together. All that to say, our families are close.
Situation
In August of last year, my fiancee, who is a teacher, got offered a position back in our hometown. She decided to take it. I had a work contract I needed to fulfill. I completed the contract and moved back home in February.
Shortly afterwards, we got engaged. In April, we found out my fiancée is pregnant. In May, we publicly announced the pregnancy. About two months ago, I came home quite late from work after working 18 hours straight (I am in healthcare).
My phone was dead, but I saw my fiancée's phone on the table. I grabbed it so I could mindlessly play a game on it before bed (we each have each other's passwords and will use the other's phone if our phone is dead).
A text came up from one of the guys from our hiking group. It was straight up a dirty text from him to her. I decided to look through their texts, and since May, he had texted my fiancée pretty heavily, and she responded positively to his texting.
At first, it was just friendly, then light flirting, then heavy flirting, and then some straight-up dirty texts from him and encouragement from her. I was livid and disgusted. I slept in the guest room that night.
The next day, I confronted her. She apologized, said she would never do that again, that she will immediately block him, and would do whatever I requested. I requested a paternity test. She immediately agreed.
She paid for us to do the NIPP test and even paid for a rush on the results. It is my child. She is willing to do whatever I ask. But I am still completely disgusted. I am under immense family pressure to make the relationship work.
The only person I care about is my kid, and I do not want him to grow up in a house with a toxic relationship. But that is where we are at. I am disgusted, and my fiancée is pretty angry we have not been intimate in two months.
She is also stressed because she does not know what will happen long-term. She is pleading with me to stay, but at this point, I think co-parenting is what we are going to need re do. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
That's a tough one OP. Don't think I could get past the betrayal. If your phone hadn't died, how far would she have gone? This wasn't a one time slip, it was repeatedly over months. NTA, but you may want to stay until after the birth, baby health is paramount.
NTA - and i very specifically want to address the part where you say you feel "pressured" to stay in the relationship. parents can be separated and still be good parents. your fiancée cheated. there's no way around that fact. if it's a non-negotiable for you, you need to end it immediately.
NTA. I’m with you on this, cheating isn’t something you can just sweep under the rug, no matter how much outside pressure you’re feeling. Your parents being separated doesn’t mean they weren’t still good parents, and the same applies here you can leave and still have a future that’s stable and happy without someone who disrespected you.
NTA. She betrayed you, im so sorry you're going through this. Whether you stay with her is 100% up to you, and no one else's business. It doesn't matter how close yalls families are, they dont have a say in your relationship with her.
The only thing you're obligated to do, is co-parent with her if you decide to leave. The familial closeness will be a wonderful thing for your baby. I wish you so much healing and happiness in your future. Again, i am so sorry you're going through this. All of your feelings are totally valid. ❤️
Sounds like she had months to shut that down and did not. She broke the trust, not you. She’ll do whatever you request??? Does she never have to take ownership of anything? How convenient…for her. You can’t succeed here. If she spends the rest of her life doing “whatever you want” just to prove her loyalty and keep her lifestyle, how will you ever trust it’s genuine?
Rip off the bandaid. If you don’t think you can make it work —understandably so, that was a pretty huge betrayal, then announce it to the families with finality so everyone can move on.
In my opinion, as the child of a couple who stayed together solely for the sake of their children, I can tell you that it was extremely difficult to live in a house with parents who tried to pretend that everything was fine when it clearly wasn't. Believe me, your future child will sense the tension between you.
It is better to get divorced than to set a bad example of what marriage is like. Believe me, I had a problem with that, My perspective on what a relationship was like was seriously affected because I assumed that certain behaviors between my parents were "normal."
Here’s what you do - you tell her the only way you will reconsider breaking things off is if she sits down WITH YOU and each set of parents (separate or together - whichever) and tells them what happened and how SHE plans to fix it. Period.
Place the responsibility right in her lap and see what she does with that. If she’s not willing to do that, you have your answer whether she is truly sorry or not. And then tell them anyway.