'AITA for refusing to spend Mother's Day with my ex and his rich entitled new wife?'
"AITA for refusing to spend Mother's Day with my ex and his wife"
NoNet8861 says:
My ex-husband and I share custody of our 17-year-old daughter and 15-year-old son. We divorced 12 years ago and have co-parented with difficulty ever since. My ex is remarried, and there were tensions between the three of us for the majority of that time. My ex's wife came in with huge expectations of what she would be to the kids and how involved I would be, and none of it was realistic.
She thought I would agree to giving my ex primary custody and that I would be a one-weekend-a-month mom. When that wasn't what happened, she expected everything mom-related to be split equally between us.
So, alternating Mother's Day, taking turns doing the Mother's Day events at school or activities, and even changing who was listed as their mom on certain forms. And she really believed that was something I would do and something that would cause zero problems with schools and doctors.
She expected the kids to call her Mom as soon as her wedding ring was on her finger, and she believed I would "encourage", meaning force, them to call her Mom. This was a long-standing expectation that never got met. Not one time.
She expected to have the same legal authority as my ex and I had and that she would get to make certain decisions for the kids without my ex's or my input. Those being where they went to school, what doctors they saw, and what summer camps they'd go to and for how long. She also expected to decide a religion for them.
She wanted to change their last name to a hyphenated name with hers, mine, and my ex's. She fully expected this to happen too. There was more than a year of her throwing a tantrum because I shut the idea down.
My ex's wife comes from money and is used to having things her own way. So not getting her expectations met made her increasingly bitter toward me. She alienated my kids by being too pushy, controlling, and trying to change their lives to fit what she believes they should be.
Case in point: she tried to fight to get them into private school and pressured them to ask me. She wanted my daughter to be in cheer and music classes up to six times a week, and she wanted my son in football and boxing six times a week. My kids weren't interested in those activities, and she brought them along multiple times and tried to make them take part. She told them that's what boys and girls did.
She insulted the parents of my son's best friend and then attempted to stop all contact between the two kids. She hated me for refusing to back her up. The kids hated her for all of this. While she was thinking of them as her kids, they were wishing their dad would divorce her, and I know they asked at least twice for him to do just that. When his wife learned this, she blamed me.
The kids make a point of spending as little time as possible with her. They do not appreciate her, and that bothers my ex and his wife. He and I have discussed it, but he told me they should and that I was bitter for not making them appreciate her. He said she made their lives better no matter what the kids think or say.
My ex and his wife did not have a child together until last year, and this coming Mother's Day is her first one as a mom. The day has always been a sore topic for her because the kids are with me, and she never had anyone but my ex treating her like a mom.
Now she officially is one, and she believed that would mean my kids would be there for Mother's Day going forward, but they set the record straight, as did I when asked about it. Now my ex has come up with this insane idea that I should spend the day celebrating his wife and join in their Mother's Day celebrations.
He said she's worth celebrating, it's her first time having her own child on Mother's Day, and our kids should be there but won't if I'm not. I shut his idea down hard and told him I would not spend the day with his wife.
He tried to turn it into a fight, but I walked away from him and have not answered his calls since. He has sent a few texts telling me I need to reconsider, but I ignored those as well. Then he sent his sister after me.
She told me it was so petty of me to not even consider meeting in the middle somewhere, and then she stated I was rude about everything. She said I was the reason the kids didn't like their stepmother and that, with a half-sibling now, I needed to figure it out.
I walked away from her as well, but more texts from my ex followed. The only thing giving me pause is the fact that my ex's family doesn't like the new wife. So the fact my ex's sister said what she did is making me question a tiny bit if I'm the TA.
OP responded to some comments.
Coffee4Redhead says:
No advice, just wanted to say NTA. And thank goodness the kids are almost grown. Could you go to court next year once the youngest is 16, so they don’t have to go visit them anymore?
OP responded:
Unfortunately for the kids that doesn't work. They need to go to their dad's until they're 18. The judges don't need to weigh the wishes of 15, 16 or 17 year old's. They can choose to but it's increasingly rare right now.
ImAlsoNotOlivia says:
So, your ex won't be at all surprised when his kids go completely NC with him once they turn 18, right? Good lord, what are those two smoking anyway? They sound like total nutcases.
OP responded:
He's not prepared for that at all. He has not yet accepted that the kids made up their own mind about his wife.