'I won't take my wife's special needs cousin into my home. He might need foster care. AITA?'
"I refuse to take in a special needs child into my home. AITA?"
My wife has a cousin who is special needs. He has FASD and will likely need counseling, tutoring, special ed teacher. There’s a good chance he may go into foster care at some point and he’s 10 years old. My wife says she would want to take him in. We already have 2 very young children.
One under 5 and the other is not even 1 year old. My wife already struggles with them as it’s tough dealing with 2 young kids. I don’t see how we can pour so much time and resources into another child and take care of our own kids. We put our kids in swimming, ballet, soccer. We also both have very demanding jobs.
She’s upset that I told her we really can’t take in another child especially one with special needs. I get she wants to help but I feel like it would be the detriment of our own kids and probably our relationship. I just don’t see how it would work. We are also adamant about not having any more kids ourselves.
We are barely making things work now and our relationship isn’t even in the best place. If we are balancing work, extracurricular activities, time with our kids, our relationship, how can we invest time in a child that will likely need so much help. Financial resources aren’t the issue it’s the time and energy involved. AITA for saying no?
Commenters did not hold back one bit.
Orphan_Izzy wrote:
NTA- if you are not feeling like your current schedule allows for enough time for your lives and your kids it would not be right to take in another kid, especially with special needs. Wanting to help is nice, but has she actually thought about how you would do it?
From what you describe it’s not possible. You can’t make more time and your kids now would definitely be sacrificing a lot as a result. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone.
OP responded:
I think that’s the issue. I don’t think she realizes that we would be making our kids sacrifice a lot to make it work. Not to mention our relationship and any leisure time we have.
Awkward-Tourist979 wrote:
NTA.
I don’t think your wife understands what it will be like caring for a special needs child - especially one with fetal alcohol syndrome.
There will be behavioural issues. There will be screaming and moments of aggression. Your home will not be safe for your young children. Your children will miss out on time and financial resources. You will have to take so much time off work to discuss his behaviour and developmental issues.
My child has special needs and I have had enough of the meetings. They accomplish absolutely nothing - but you have to sit there and nod your head politely. There’s no way you would be able to hold down two demanding careers and deal with the meetings. Then there is the stress to your marriage and stress at your job. I wouldn’t do this.
OP responded:
Luckily he is not violent but he is getting older and who knows how he will be as he gets older and into his teen years. He is 10 and can’t read so that’s a huge problem. He only recently became fully potty trained within the last year. I imagine there will be a lot of meetings with doctors and teachers etc. I just don’t see how we can make it work when we are basically struggling now.
sixoo6 wrote:
I'm genuinely curious, where and how do you put a <5 year old in swimming, ballet, and soccer?
OP responded:
Not all at once. Usually 1 activity at a time. There’s a lot of extracurricular activities for kids where we live. In fact, my under 1 year old is currently in swimming lessons.
Astreja wrote:
NTA. FASD kids need special care, and having a 10-year-old suddenly thrown into the family dynamic could be extremely disruptive. I don't know if the cousin has impulse control or anger management problems, but if he acts out, your kids could get hurt. Please don't do this.
HMS_Slartibartfast wrote:
Most important, do you know what issues the child has and what is required to help them grow as an individual? In many cases a child with special needs doesn't get the help they really need because parents decide "We can do it!" without learning what the child needs.
Find that out before making any decisions. Depending on this child's issues you may find you simply are not capable of meeting their needs.
OP responded:
Yes. I have a good idea. At minimum, counseling, tutoring, regular doctor appointments. Kids with FASD have a lot of challenges in school. Even though he is 10 years old he can’t read yet. What this means is that he needs a lot of special attention and resources.
Possible_Day_6343 wrote:
NAH. It's a tough situation but FASD kids do need extra support in lots of ways and if you don't have the capacity to do it you don't. And special needs isn't just extra time and funds for him, it takes your time and parenting effort away from your existing children. I don't blame you at all for not wanting to take on that responsibility.
Impossible-Action-88 wrote:
NAH. This is a very difficult situation and my heart goes out to the child.
It is wonderful to want to take the child in, and entirely reasonable to prioritize your primary relationships and responsibilities instead of taking on new ones.
Ultimately, it takes two yeses to add a child to the family and one no to stop it. Perhaps you and your wife can look for other ways to help this child. Start small. Don’t make commitments to a child that you cannot keep.