'She secretly stopped her pills and now we're having a baby I never agreed to. AITA?' UPDATED
"She secretly stopped her pills and now we're having a baby I never agreed to."
My wife and I have been having a hard time. She is a teacher, and her job is stressful. Every day she talks about how much she dislikes her students and their parents. In many ways, this has bled into our home life.
She often will get frustrated with our son and say "you're acting like so and so" or "so and so in my class does the same thing." This is confusing for him, because he doesn't know who those people are.
Our son is starting kindergarten in the fall. My wife wants to have a second baby. She says she is sick of being a "boy mom" and wants a daughter. I do not think we are ready to have a second baby.
For one thing, we have had several conflicts with our parents about childcare. Both have said they will help us, but her parents are flaky, and my parents are judgmental. For a second thing, we are not doing well financially at the moment.
Expenses have gone up, and that is stressful. For a third thing, my wife wants to have a girl, and I'm scared of how she will react if that doesn't happen. My wife said I'm being selfish because I got a boy and now think we're done.
She said if we had a girl I would want to try again. That's not true. I don't care. I just think now is a bad time for a second child, period. Work is stressful, and home is stressful too. Am I an AH?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
What would happen if you had another boy would you just keep trying for that girl. NTA. God I don't think I've even seen the comment blew up like this. I did not think this type of story was so common.
I have tried to say this. She is confident our second baby would be a girl.
My boss has 6 kids only 1 of them is a girl, the last 3 have all been attempts to get a second girl.
NTA. Uhm, she’s not handling parenting well with one. Having a girl will not change that. She has expectations of ideal child behavior which no kid rises to. You’d be stuck with two confused children and an even more frustrated wife. Regardless of gender. You have every right to stop at one, even if you originally planned for more, and with this fact pattern you should. Yikes.
Right, this is what I have tried to tell her. A girl won't come out of the womb in a spotless white pinafore and fold her hands in her lap before asking for a cup of tea. A girl will cry as much as a boy, poop as much as a boy and spit up as much as a boy. Babies are babies.
NTA. I'd say that beyond the stressors you mentioned, the whole gender issue needs to be addressed. I mean, if your wife is "sick of being a boy mom, "what is she gonna do if the next kid is a boy?
We would have two boys. And I imagine she would be twice as unhappy.
NTA. She's clearly not stable enough to have another baby right now. She needs to focus on the child she already has and get a therapist. and maybe even finding another job, because life is really hard for teachers these days.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
I'm going to keep it short and sweet. She was already pregnant. That's why she was so upset. I told her I don't want to have another baby right now, that we aren't in the right place for it, and she told me she was already pregnant. So that's that.
I asked her if she knows how this happened. She said it doesn't matter, and I said I wouldn't be mad, that I just want us to be honest with each other. She said she stopped taking her birth control because it was making her feel crazy, and she didn't tell me because she didn't want to make a thing about it. It's definitely not a thing now.
She'll be able to finish this semester and start the next one, but then she'll go on maternity leave. This is obviously going to be tough for us financially. I am worried about our son more than anything. I told her we need to make a plan to make sure he doesn't get sidelined by the baby. She rolled her eyes at me.
She told me that he is "fine" because he's a "big boy" now. He has his friends at kindergarten, and he needs to focus on those peer relationships. I told her that I am serious about this, and it turned into a fight.
I said if she can't be a mother to our son, I will take him to my parents and stay there with him until she can. She said I was being dramatic and that everything will be fine and he will love his sister (we don't know the gender yet, but she "knows").
I guess that wasn't that short.
Or that sweet.
Oh well.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
It is most definitely a thing that she stopped taking her birth control and didn’t tell you. Read that back. She stopped on PURPOSE and didn’t tell you on PURPOSE. What part of that is ok? She chose to get pregnant without your input and now you’re stuck with a woman who is going to hate this child if it’s a boy.
And who already hates your son because he’s a boy. You made your own choices so it’s your son I feel bad for. (**edit for context: OP chose to stay with this woman after being deceived into conceiving a child he said he wasn’t ready for. Her behavior is deplorable and it is absolutely assault.
What I meant though is that he chose to stay. )And this baby if it is a boy. Your wife is gender obsessed and your son will figure out really soon if he hasn’t already that his mom doesn’t love him. I’ll wish you luck and suggest therapy for your son. He’s going to need it.
"She told me that he is "fine" because he's a "big boy" now. He has his friends at kindergarten, and he needs to focus on those peer relationships."
Well crap! Your boy would be ignored by his mother. I already feel sad for him. Your wife needs therapy.
Oh this is going to be messy. She's already treating your son horribly based on the last post and if this baby isn't a girl she will have a meltdown. You need to document everything she says and does to your son starting yesterday. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP.
I hate hate hate this whole “I’m a boy mom” or “I’m a girl mom”. Ugh. Just stop. What a horrible spouse to stop birth control without saying. I would have a hard time getting past that betrayal.
I foresee a lot of therapy sessions for this kid when he's an adult....
There's definitely gonna be an update in November/December about how she had another boy, dumped the newborn on him, and took off. I really don't think she's prepared to deal with kids on a personal basis, let alone as her career. And her students have probably noticed she actively hates them, which is probably contributing to their acting up in her class.