'AITA because I refused to sit next to my brother on a plane?' 'The middle seat gets both armrests.'

"AITA that I refused to sit next to my brother on a plane?"

I (29f) have 4 siblings all adults. My dad (63) and my oldest brother Cole (35m) live in Asia, while the rest of the family lives in Germany. My grandmother, who also lives in Germany recently passed away, so we all planned to go to the funeral immediately.

I’ve never been super close to Cole, but recently we started hanging out more, which I enjoyed. While buying the airplane tickets, I made it clear I wanted to sit alone next to the window, my dad loves to sit in the aisle, and my brother Cole prefers a window seat.

I haven’t traveled with family since I was a teenager, and I like to travel (flights) alone. Cole however was furious. He saw it as a family trip and told me the family must sit together. I didn’t mind spending some quality time together, however sitting in a limited space does not qualify as a quality time for me, especially a red-eye.

Fast forward to the arrival at the check-in counter, I asked for a separate window seat. Cole interrupted and told the airport employee that we’d sit together and that he’d take the middle seat. I caved in.

On the plane, I put the tip of my elbow on the armrest, and he moved my arm, chuckled, and said: “According to the flight etiquette, the middle seat gets both armrests, haha”. Now he’s NOT an etiquette guy. I felt slightly annoyed, but whatever. The flight itself wasn’t bad, but my flying experience with strangers next to me so far was better.

During our stay in Germany, we had a nice time together, had a beautiful funeral, and headed back home. This time I again told him that I’d like to sit alone. My dad didn’t care about sitting together.

Cole, again, pushed me to sit together. In front of the check-in counter, I stood my ground and asked for a separate seat. My brother and my dad were seated together and got middle and aisle seats. Before boarding, he called me a traitor multiple times, I didn’t respond.

I had a lovely trip back home, the middle seat wasn’t occupied, so I was lucky. When we landed, we took a taxi home. I told Cole that I had a very nice flight. He responded that he had an awful flight because the guy who got the window seat was irritating, loud, and well, simply, big. He gave me a dirty look. I, again, said nothing and just wanted to let things go.

Later in the evening, he texted me that I didn't appreciate his sacrifice to sit in the middle, and I value my comfort over personal relationships and the needs of other people. Cole also texted that I rubbed in his face my nice experience while he had the worst flight of his life.

Now, I am upset and frustrated because apparently, he blames me for this. We both want to repair our relationship. But his neediness to sit with me and putting blame on me is pushing me away. Does a family that travels together must sit together? Maybe I don't see something objectively in this situation. AITA for refusing to sit next to my brother on a plane?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

nefarious_planet said

NTA, you’re an adult and your brother doesn’t get to pick your seat for you. But just as a PSA, the middle seat does get both the middle armrests. If both the window person and the aisle person choose to use both of “their” armrests, then they’ve removed all the armrests from the middle seat and now a middle seat sucks even more.

The window seat gets one armrest and a window; the aisle seat gets one armrest and the ability to use the bathroom without asking others to move. The middle seat gets two armrests. That’s how planes work.

StoneAgePrue said:

I personally would never travel with family to and from the same destination and specifically ask to not be seated with them. Weird flex.

Waste_Worker6122 said:

NTA. Since Cole knew you were not sitting next to home on the way home it wasn't a "sacrifice" for him to take the middle seat. He could have done as you did and sat anywhere available

NoRazzmatazz564 said:

NTA. Since Cole knew you were not sitting next to home on the way home it wasn't a "sacrifice" for him to take the middle seat. He could have done as you did and sat anywhere available.

Helpful_Table_1739 said:

Very soft ESH. People grieve differently. Cole may have wanted closeness and comfort of familiarity, while it seems you enjoy the comfort of solitude. He admitted he doesn’t like the middle seat (who does?), so he was already sacrificing some of his comfort just to be physically close to people he knows. Travel sucks. Red eyes suck. You both missed an opportunity to support one another more fully.

oliviamrow said:

NTA. His "sacrifice" was neither needed nor requested, so it wasn't a "sacrifice," it was something he chose to do. You might've been a bit TA if you proactively told Cole you had a very nice flight when you knew he hadn't vs if he or your dad asked how the flight was for you, I guess? Maybe?

But wanting to sit alone by a window is a totally reasonable decision for an adult to make for themselves if one is available, and if your brother is so petty that he would hold that against you, well, that's his problem.

There is no law that says family must sit together on a plane, if everyone's old enough to be capable of flying alone at all. My family tends to like aisles; we try to book aisles across/near each other but it doesn't always happen. It's a flight! And a red eye?! Come on.

If your brother wants more shared bonding experiences, he can invite you on a hike or to an escape room or whatever suits your shared preferences. A plane can be but does not have to be one of those experiences.