'AITA for trying to flee to another country because my cousin wants to marry me?' UPDATED 5X

"AITA for refusing to marry my cousin?"

Living_Butterfly_328 writes:

Now before everyone freaks out, I’m from Pakistan. Cousin marriage is very normal here, and it’s especially common in my family. If possible, I would like to get advice from other brown people because the white people solutions like “cut them off” and “go no contact” are not an option for me.

So, I (22F) was recently asked for my hand in marriage. My aunt (my father’s sister) brought a marriage proposal for me from her youngest son (25M). My family was absolutely ecstatic. I, however, was not.

A little background: I actually dated this particular cousin when I was in 10th grade, around 14 years old. Not my greatest moment, but at the time, my brother had recently married another one of our cousins.

They had been dating for around nine years, and I was a delusional idiot who thought I could have something similar. My family still doesn’t know anything about the relationship because they are extremely conservative, especially when it comes to daughters.

We obviously broke up because he started acting like my literal father. He would get mad at me for talking to boys (I went to a co-ed school), constantly asked to check my phone, and wanted my social media passwords. I had a lot of unsupervised access to the internet at a young age and was a little too mature for my age. I ended the relationship and distanced myself from him.

But now, he has sent his mother with a formal marriage proposal. My father was ready to agree the moment they came over, but thankfully, he decided to ask for my opinion before giving an answer. I refused because that guy was literally my ex and had been kind of stalking me at family events since the breakup.

Now I’m being guilt-tripped, emotionally blackmailed, and literally threatened by my family for refusing. I’m so confused. I know that man would be an unbearable husband. He was a controlling boyfriend and would be even worse as a husband.

On top of that, my cousin is constantly messaging me, urging me to agree. He’s making promises and saying all sorts of things. So I just want to know am I the a&^%ole? Should I just give in and accept my fate? Because I honestly can’t see any other way out.

OP posted a small update the same day.

My parents have agreed to sit down and talk after dinner (it’s currently 3:40 a.m. here). I’ve also contacted the woman who used to teach me Qur’an as a child. She’s still a friend of my mother’s and visits often. I’ve asked her to come talk to my mom and help her see things from an Islamic perspective.

Wish me luck. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’ve also decided to talk to my cousin and explain why I don’t want to marry him. Hopefully, he’ll refuse the marriage too, but the chances are low because he’s an a&#%ole.

OP posted an update two days later.

It’s been a day or two since I spoke with my parents, cousin, and the religious scholar who taught me as a child. Please bear with me because my mind is still a mess. Let’s start with the woman who taught me Islam as a child. She came over on the 5th. My father wasn’t home, so she spoke to my mother.

She went off on her, literally yelling about how wrong all of this was. I actually cried seeing someone defend my decision. My mother looked ashamed, but she still defended her stance. Eventually, she asked the woman to leave. I was slapped for discussing family matters with outsiders.

Then came my parents. My father came home in the evening and my mother immediately told him about what I had done. I was scolded, berated, and called every name in the book. I tried to have a conversation and explain my side, but it was useless. Their minds were made up.

In a moment of anger and despair, I threatened to do something terrible if they forced me into this marriage. Apparently using their tactics against them made me the evil one. Thankfully, they’ve been somewhat quiet since and haven’t brought up the marriage again.

As for my cousin, I met with him yesterday during my internship hours so it wouldn’t be suspicious. That a^#&ole thought I called to get back together. As if I’d ever look at that knockoff, version of a rat again. As soon as I started explaining why I didn’t want to marry him, he got mad. We were in his car in the building’s parking lot, and he literally locked the doors and drove onto the highway to trap me.

He yelled at me for being a “b^#&h” who didn’t understand or care about his feelings. He threatened me. Literally said he would ruin my “honor” because I didn’t want to marry him. I pretended to agree just long enough to get him to drive me back to the building. It worked.

I haven’t told my family what he said because I know they would blame me for being in the car with him. I’m just so tired. I’ve started thinking about following through on my threat. If I end up married to him, my life will be hell. He’s absolutely psychotic. I don’t know what to do anymore.

OP posted another update a day later.

I’ve decided to try to seek asylum in another country. A few of my university friends have European passports, so I’ll be reaching out to them. Hopefully something works out. I’m also going to try reasoning with my family one last time. I’ll come clean about everything the dating, the car ride, and the threats. I’m sure I’ll be berated, but at this point I’ll take that if it means the marriage is dropped.

OP read some comments after posting that and edited what she was going to do.

I’ve decided not to tell my parents about the dating or the car ride. I didn’t realize how it could be used to further force me into the marriage. I guess I’m just desperate to escape and haven’t been thinking clearly. My priority now is getting out of this country. Once I’m safe, I’ll tell them everything in a message and cut them off.

OP posted a major update 8 days later.

I’ll get straight to it. I got married. To my cousin. So much for refusing and making plans. Life is such a b%#^h. I actually had a plan. I got into an exchange program on a full scholarship. I only needed to pay for my ticket, which I was working on. Once in Europe, I planned to apply for asylum.

All of that fell apart because my father had an “accident.” I now realize how stupid I was to believe it. Apparently he nearly tripped down some stairs, had chest pain, and was rushed to the hospital. Doctors said it was a minor heart episode.

I was at university and very close to my father, so hearing that shattered me. He said his dying wish was for me to marry my cousin. Everyone acted like he was on his deathbed. I caved and agreed. He was discharged that evening, and my Nikkah was scheduled for two days later.

I’ve decided to be absolutely unbearable in this marriage. Especially to my psycho cousin. I’m leaving in a few hours for the honeymoon trip. I hope I can make myself insufferable enough that he won't want to be with me.

OP posted a final update 8 days later.

Let’s talk about the honeymoon. We went to Skardu in northern Pakistan. He had rented a small cabin with two bedrooms. One was locked, and the other was decorated with roses, candles, and lights to “set the mood.”

As soon as I saw it, I screamed about sharing a bedroom, tore down the decorations, threw out the candles, and locked myself inside. He had to get the other room unlocked and sleep there. The next day, I refused to walk next to him, wouldn’t sit in the passenger seat, wouldn’t take pictures, and wouldn’t let him touch me. That night, I locked myself in again.

The third day was the same. I also spent his money on random stuff. That night we argued. I insulted him, threw a vase at him, and locked myself in the bedroom again. He must have complained to my parents, because that night I got nonstop calls from them and his family. He even knocked on my door asking me to answer, but I refused.

The next morning, during breakfast, my parents and in-laws called via group video chat. He pointed the camera at me. I told them all to f%#k off in Urdu and said they were dead to me. We argued. He cut the trip short. Since we got back, I’ve been insulting anyone who dares speak to me about the marriage. He sleeps in a different room. I threw cold water on him once, and he hasn’t tried to touch me since the vase incident.

His family gave up lecturing me after I insulted them, and even he told them to leave me alone. I’ve blocked my parents and brothers. My in-laws avoid me. My husband has given up on me. I guess I’m not much of a trophy anymore. Thank you to everyone who helped. I’ve reached out to a few NGOs. Maybe one day I’ll finally escape this hellhole.

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