'AITA for refusing to let my dad salvage our relationship because I am secondary to him?'
"AITA for rejecting my dad's efforts to repair our relationship because he chose his wife over me?"
Caylzoyn writes:
I (21M) lost my mom when I was still a baby, and my dad didn’t date anyone until I was around nine. Then he met his wife, Lindsay. She was a single mom to two kids. Both of her kids had different fathers who weren’t involved.
Her oldest was 11, and her youngest was 6. Her youngest had special needs and was medically complex. My dad and Lindsay rushed their relationship because she didn’t have much free time, she wanted help, and my dad was willing.
Here’s a really brief summary: my dad kept me in a bad situation. Lindsay’s youngest needed a lot of money and space, and her oldest was angry, violent, and lashed out. She drank and did drugs. I didn’t even have a real bedroom, just a curtained-off space with no door and no proper bed.
There was a time I went six weeks without seeing my dad while living there. When I asked him to leave, he told me Lindsay came first and that his marriage and happiness would always be his priority. I left at 17 and never looked back. Now he wants to reconcile, but I said no because I deserve to be happy too.
I know it wasn’t the younger son’s fault, he was the six-year-old, but he required a lot of care, and I resented it from the beginning. My dad told me that good people help family, and that you don’t pass up love and family just because it’s more difficult or more work.
He said he deserved to be happy, and Lindsay made him happy. He said my mom was his first chance and he lost her, so Lindsay was his second chance. He told me I could benefit from being a caring brother to Lindsay’s son and that I’d learn a lot about real life.
Money was extremely tight, and the house was full of medical equipment and mobility aids for Lindsay’s son. I didn’t even get an actual room. I was shoved behind a curtain in what had once been the office before my dad and I moved in.
Here’s the timeline: in May, my dad and Lindsay met. In September, they introduced us to each other. In November, we all moved in together. In February, they got married. A few months after my dad and I moved in, Lindsay’s daughter, her oldest, started acting out.
She smashed some of her half-brother’s medical equipment, stole money, snuck out at night, got drunk, started using drugs, and pushed me around if I was in her way. There were nights I couldn’t sleep until 1 or 2 a.m. because Lindsay and her daughter were fighting.
Her daughter would say she wished her half-brother would die so they could move on. Lindsay would become hysterical, and her daughter would scream that he wasn’t her real brother anyway and was just a burden.
I begged my dad to leave and go back to it just being the two of us, but he said we couldn’t walk out. He said we were committed and were more than just the two of us now. I told him I didn’t want any of them and hated how much life had changed.
He told me life always changes and I needed to manage my feelings. He said he needed to be happy and that saving his marriage was the most important thing because it would give me stability.
Even when Lindsay’s daughter kicked me out of my “room” and “bed” and literally dragged me by the hair or legs to remove me, my dad stayed. When I was 13, I went six weeks without seeing my dad because Lindsay’s son was in the hospital.
She stayed the entire time, and if my dad wasn’t at work, he was with her. All I got was a note telling me to go to friends’ houses if there wasn’t any food. Those six weeks were hell. Every time I saw Lindsay’s daughter, she would curse at me, shove me around, and make it clear I wasn’t welcome outside my curtain.
Nothing improved. After I turned 15, Lindsay started asking me to help more with chores and errands. She expected me to be her little helper, and when I said no, my dad told me I was being disrespectful to my new mom. That led to a fight.
I exploded and told him to f^#k off because she would never be my mom. I said nothing good had come from their marriage, and he needed to leave me alone. We had several more fights after that because Lindsay overheard what I said. She was upset and told me she loved me, and her son loved me too, and would be heartbroken if he knew I saw him as just a burden.
When I was 17, I left. I didn’t have a plan or much savings, but I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I left my dad a note, just like he had left me one when I was 13. He filed a missing persons report, and I had to tell the police I was safe but refused to go back. I managed to avoid being sent back before my 18th birthday, and then I was just free.
I didn’t stay in touch. I started a new life. I even tracked down my mom’s family, and now I live with my maternal grandparents, who had been searching for me for years. My dad had moved and never told anyone where we were going, so they couldn’t find me until I reached out.
He got in touch a couple of months ago. I ignored him, even though I hadn’t blocked him. Then, about a week ago, I replied. He had messaged saying how much he hated that things ended up this way, and he wasn’t even sure if I had blocked him.
He told me he loved me, missed me, and wanted us to work on our relationship. I told him he chose his wife over me, made a huge part of my childhood miserable, and I didn’t want anything more to do with him because I deserved to prioritize my own happiness.
Since then, he’s replied a bunch of times saying I should never have expected him to give up his wife for me. He insists we can work on things. He keeps saying I need my dad and all kinds of stuff like that. He actually seems kind of desperate and erratic about it, like he’s really afraid I won’t give him a chance. AITA for rejecting his efforts?
Here are the comments from the post.
Proof-Friendship-887 says:
Your dad failed you when you needed him most. You're not wrong.
Primary-Delivery737 says:
NTA. Actions have consequences. My guess is that things with his new family are spiraling. Take care of yourself.
CommandBackground469 says:
NTA. Maybe now he realizes that no one will be there to take care of him when he's old, and that's why he's reaching out. Maybe he just wants to feel better about leaving you behind. Whatever the reason, ask yourself whether his presence would truly add value to your life.
ProfessorDistinct835 says:
NTA. Sounds like you went through hell and the one person you were supposed to be able to count on, let you down spectacularly.