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'I returned from a month trip and my roommate has moved all her things into my room.' UPDATED 4X

'I returned from a month trip and my roommate has moved all her things into my room.' UPDATED 4X


Living with roommates is not for the faint of heart, the list of potential conflicts and grievances can be near endless.

In a popular post on the Relationships subreddit, a woman shared her upsetting discovery after she returned from a month-long trip. She wrote:

"I've [F25] returned from a month long trip and my roommate [F22] has moved all her things into my room and has been living there, with no intention of switching back."

So I moved into this flat about 8 months ago. I met "Lana" online on a roommate website, and we clicked well. She's a bit younger but seemed mature. We quickly agreed to be roommates (both of us were under time constraints to find a place to live) but have got on really well so far (up until this). Our flat is a two bedroom, and to be frank, my room is clearly the better one.

It's bigger and has built in wardrobes. When looking for the flat, I found the place first on my own and put down a deposit to take it off the market while I found another roommate. The flat was perfect, cheap rent and my aunt manages the property, so I was keen to snap it up before anyone else did. The area it's in is popular so I wasn't really worried about not finding someone to room with.

Because of the above and that I was there first, I took the bigger room naturally. When showing potential roommates (including Lana) round, I was sure to show the smaller room and say "this would be your room". We moved in 8 months ago, and it's been happy families. Never heard Lana complain about her room.

Because I have about 6x the wardrobe space that she does, I told her she's welcome to store her off season clothes in there, or whatever she wants to store, as long as she's not popping in every morning to get dressed. She was happy with this. Just over a month ago, I went travelling.

Now I'm not the biggest fan of having people in my room, but I told Lana if she had someone stay (her sister, friends from home) they could sleep in my bed. She said thanks, and as she's been such a great roommate and rarely has guests except her boyfriend, I didn't worry at all. I came back yesterday. I was exhausted from the flight and travelling, and just wanted to shower and sleep.

As I walked in Lana was in the living room with her boyfriend. We said hello and hugged, had a very quick catch up, blah blah. Then I dragged my suitcase to my room, opened the door and found it full of stuff that was not mine. I kind of yelled "what the **ck?" and briefly thought I was so jetlagged I was confused, but opened the door to Lana's room and saw all my stuff.

I walked into the living room and asked Lana what was going on and she said "Oh sorry, I forgot to mention, we put my stuff in your room just because it's bigger and you weren't here and you said I could use it." I was honestly so tired I could have passed out then, so I probably wasn't in the best state, and told her to move it all back immediately.

She said they were in the middle of making dinner and I looked tired so I should have a sleep. Her boyfriend then said "anyway, you pay the same rent so isn't it fair that you both get the big room at some point." I was getting frustrated and could feel tears welling up (hysterical from lack of sleep) so I just said "We'll deal with this tomorrow, and it's getting moved back" and then I went to sleep in not my room.

I've woken up now and I'm so pissed off. Lana's at work so I can't talk to her but what should I do when she's home? I feel like this is going to turn into an argument, I don't think it'll be as simple as "okay let's swap now you're home."

TL;DR: I went travelling for a month and told my roommate she could use my room for guests if needed. While I was gone she swapped all our stuff and moved into my much bigger and better bedroom. Never had a problem with her before but she doesn't seem like she's planning on swapping back. What do I do when I speak to her after work?

People had a lot to say in response to OP's situation.

Sheephuddle wrote:

She moved your things out when you weren't there. You're off work now, just swap things back straight away. Start with stripping the beds and changing the linen over. I wouldn't leave it till tomorrow, it normalises the situation. If she comes home whilst you're in the middle of it, just keep going or ask her to help you.

Her bf should keep out of it. I assume he's lived there full-time over the last month, and he's seeing it as 'their' flat now.

OP responded:

"I assume he's lived there full-time over the last month, and he's seeing it as 'their' flat now."

Yep this is my worry. I still paid rent for this month I was away so I have every right to return to the same flat as I left.

thingsliverundermybed wrote:

The daft room-moving antics may actually have been her boyfriend's idea. Him just having to make a point about you both paying the same rent - it's probably not the first time he's said that.

I'd bear that in mind when talking to Lana - if she starts using a lot of "we's" instead of "I's", you can at minimum remind her you live with her, not her and her boyfriend, and you want decisions made in the flat that work for you and her, not her and her fella (diplomatically, of course).

yeahnoforsurre wrote:

Wow I have no idea how you stayed calm. I would've flipped a s#$t. You can tell her and her boyfriend that this is your place, and you are letting her live there. If she wants to find a bigger place she can leave. Don't let her AH boyfriend dictate anything or intimidate you. Remind her you have the power in this situation. How can people be so rude? Like who thinks that is okay?

After receiving lots of feedback, OP jumped on with a series of rapid-fire updates.

EDIT: I've taken the advice of most people on this thread and moved my stuff back. It's taken hours and I'm knackered but I think if I left it another night it would be a real problem. I sent her a text when I was almost done (in case she kicked up a s**tstorm and came home) to say:

"Hi Lana! Hope you're having a nice day at work. Just to let you know I'm moving my stuff back into my room, didn't want you coming home and walking into the wrong one! :)" (Yes I'm petty.)

I'll be talking to her when she gets in because this is out of character for her, to the point of it being bizarre. She's never been anything but a model roommate, so I'm gonna give her a chance before we're donezo. If she wants to be reasonable and have a chat about rent portions I'm happy to do that.

She's never had a problem with the rent before, and honestly I've never had uneven rent amounts in any place I've ever lived (whether I had a bigger room or smaller room) but a lot of people here are saying it's the norm so I'm open to talking about it if she's not ridiculous.

EDIT 2: Lana should be home in a bit. I'll update when I can.

EDIT 3: Hi everyone, I've got about a million messages asking for an update but last night was a bit mad and I'm still pretty jetlagged so sorry but I went to sleep. Anyway, here we go. So as you know, I text Lana to tell her I moved my stuff back. She didn't reply to me, fine whatever, but she didn't kick off so I figured we were okay.

I told my Aunt what had happened, who was as baffled as all of you, and I told her it was probably all sorted, just keeping her in the loop. I also told my boyfriend, who works about 5 mins down the road. He offered to come round, in case Lana's boyfriend came round, but I told him not to because then we're ganging up on Lana.

He insisted on going for a "coffee" with his mate a couple roads away in case we needed backup. Which is a bit ridiculous but very cute of him. So I did get myself a glass of wine while waiting for Lana, not because I was nervous I just like wine, and she came home. I was sat in the living room and gave her a very cold "hi" when she walked in.

She sort of froze, bag in hand, and her eyes darted between me and my/not her/our bedroom door. She blurted "did you do it!?" and I said "what, move the rooms back? Yeah of course." and her eyes went all wide and she dropped her bag and ran into the bathroom. I could hear her talking on the phone so I was like yipeeeee I guess Tom's coming round fuuuuuun!

I heard the door unlock and I was about to go full hulk on how psycho she is, when she came out of the door and stood between our bedrooms. Their doors are adjacent and she just stared between them both, breathing heavily? It was really odd. Then I noticed she was crying and getting a bit panicky, so I asked what was going on.

She burst into tears and said "Omg he's going to k*ll me" and just sobbed so yeah it was the boyfriend's idea completely, as a lot of us suspected. She's honestly always been a perfect roommate, which is kind of why I came to this sub. If she was generally an arsehole, I would have known how to act, if you know what I mean?

Anyway Lana has a bit of a breakdown, and it turns out POS Tom has always been a bit of a POS, very jealous (which I always saw hints of, but Lana never mentioned so I didn't), and has amped up his POSishness while I've been away.

When I left he just finished school and basically moved in unannounced, and when she'd mention he hasn't been home in days, he'd give her the "what, don't you love me, I treat you so well, you're so selfish, blah blah" s**t and refused to move.

She showed me the texts he send her, absolutely horrific stuff, things like "ring me in the next five minutes or we're over" "send me a picture of you at your desk with something showing todays date so I know you're at work," just ab*sive stuff.

ON TO THE ROOM: As we guessed, he moved it. He did it while she was at work, which is actually a bit gross thinking of him going through my stuff, and I'm considering somehow implying I have crabs or something he could catch just to make him squirm a bit, but I'll work on it.

Lana came home and said what are you doing, he made out it was just temporary and that I wouldn't mind (such a gentleman speaking on my behalf) and he would move it back, and he was doing it for her and she was so selfish etc.

When it got a few days before I came back, Lana suggested moving it back, and he completely denied he said that and told her it was her idea to move it and he only did what she told him but it's staying now or she'd be sorry. So basically, Tom is a prick and Lana sobbed and apologised and cried and I fed her wine.

She didn't want to see Tom (who obviously assumed he lived there now) so I text him from her phone saying our Landlady (my aunt) was coming round for an inspection and staying for dinner after with my family and he couldn't come over tonight.

He sent a lot of begging, whiney texts, and then went on the offensive and called Lana a liar, so I rang my aunt, explained everything and had her write us a fake landlord email mentioning the visit and how she was looking forward to fajitas (because she's an absolute babe and I make good packet fajitas), which we forwarded on to Tom.

He left her alone for the rest of the night, apart from a few texts. I'm not entirely sure what we do about Tom. Lana sounds like she wants to break up, judging from her crying and screaming" I hate him, I hate him, I hate him" into her wine. I think she's scared to though. I checked with her and he doesn't have a key, so that's a relief.

I've told my aunt everything and she said she is happy to ban him from the flat, but Lana would need ot break up with him first and get all that sorted. Thanks everyone for the advice. I know it wasn't the most popcorny update, but hopefully Lana will be okay, and we're going to be doing some girly s**t this week and avoiding Tom and yeah, god knows what will happen.

The internet was fully invested in this massive update.

ftjlster wrote:

Holy f*ck, this is a new different level of ab*sive POS.

OP, I recommend you call the cops and ask them what you should do regarding Tom given his behaviour is such that he might just turn up and demand entry or force his way in.

Also with regards to Lana, (1) suggest she go visit a therapist to talk through what happened (she needs it I think, she's been in an ab*sive relationship), (2) tell her to send Tom a message saying they're over, and that she's blocking him on everything (and then block him on everything and/or get a new number) and that if he comes near her, she's going to the cops (and then if he does, go to the cops).

Also get your aunt to officially say that he's not allowed in the apartment - that way if the police can't do anything before hand, you be able to at least try to get him on trespassing charges when he (eventually, given his boundary stomping behaviour) turns up at the apartment.

Edit to add: also, OP, given Tom is an abusive piece of s**t, you and Lana should go through the apartment and specifically look for hidden cameras. Also if you left any electronic devices (laptops, tablets), wipe them, reformat and reinstall operating systems. If you had any accounts auto-logged in on those devices, change all the passwords and put on two-factor authentication immediately.

[deleted] wrote:

"I fed her wine" You are a good person.

OP responded:

It's what Jesus did.

[deleted] wrote:

I know she says he doesn't have a key, but that's not a chance you should take. You need to change your flat lock immediately. Neither of you have any idea if he "borrowed" it and made a copy. I don't want to be alarmist, but this guy sounds possibly dangerous.

OP wrote:

There's only two keys to the flat, mine and Lana's. I gave mine to my mum while I was away incase she needed to pop in for me, but she never did. Lana has one and she says she didn't give it to Tom at any point, she just buzzed him in.

I'm going to speak to my aunt and see what she reckons about changing the locks, I'd need to verify it with her beforehand anyway. I don't see that there's any way Tom could have a copy, but you never know.

Purplestripes8 wrote:

Please support Lana to break up with Tom. She's obviously a vulnerable person and Tom is a predator.

Two months later, OP shared a major update.

Hi everyone. It's been a busy month since my last post and I logged back into this account out of curiosity and saw quite a few people messaged me requesting an update. So here we are, sorry it took so long but things have calmed down now. So shortly after my last post Lana broke up with Tom.

She was quite scared to do it, because he's a psycho, and it took two weeks between the last post and the actual break up. During that time she didn't let him come round or see her. Luckily she remembered that Tom had never had chicken pox as a kid, so we pretended my nephew caught chicken pox and had to stay with us because my brother's wife had never had it and couldn't risk getting shingles.

It worked luckily, and he stayed away. She told her family and close friends about what he'd been like (in case he contacted them to get in touch with her and lied about what happened) and then text him saying she wanted to break up. Well he blew the f**k up.

Called her every name under the sun, switched back to apologising and saying she was the love of his life, then said she'd never find someone like him, then he would die without her, then he wanted to k*ll her, then they were soulmates. It was insane.

He started messaging me too, telling me I was an "evil b**ch who had ruined his perfect wife" (lol k then) and as predicted, her family and friends got messages too. We both turned our phones off to ignore it and just watched TV. Later I briefly switched mine on, where I had a lot of messages from my friends telling me to block some guy on my social media.

It was Tom calling me everyone imaginative combination of the C word he could think of all over my (public) instagram page. There we even a few r*cial slurs which was odd because we're both white but okay. Lana had already blocked him on everything but silly me forgot to make my insta private. The next day he rang Lana's office (she was so embarrassed, it was awful) to tell her he was driving to our flat.

She rang me, and I rang my aunt (who you remember manages the property) who told us it was time to call the p*lice. We filed a report about Tom and they said to update us on the situation. In the UK you need to go to court to actually get a restraining order, so we haven't as such, but the evidence is all there and documented if we need to go that far.

The police rang Tom, at our request, told him they'd seen the messages and to turn his car around because if he turned up at our door he'd be arrested. (Police officers here are amazing, can I just say.) Tom managed to shit himself hard enough to not show up after that. So we were fine for a week. Then the post came. Tom started sending letters. Threats and soppy I love you s**t. Flowers.

Then a pizza that we had to pay for (we were actually hungry so we ate it). He signed us up to a magazine subscription. It was bizarre. We went to the p*lice again. They filed everything but Lana didn't want to go to court. I don't blame her, she was incredibly stressed by the whole thing. So two weeks ago I took my aunt and mother out to dinner.

I told them both about the situation and MY GODDESS OF AN AUNT had an idea. She manages about 30 properties, not just the one we live at, as had a few that were unoccupied now (with school finishing).

She told me she would show us round all the two bedrooms she had, and we could live in any of them for the same rent we pay now, and just transfer over our deposit/fees, as long as there were no damages to deduct and we helped do a deep clean to get it ready for the next tenant. We found one within a 5 minute drive that's lovely and, to anyone concerned, has equally sized bedrooms.

So we moved. Which is why the last two weeks have been manic, but we're settled in now. Tom has now been informed that we've moved, because the stuff he's sent since has been returned. Lana and I are completely no contact with him, and anyone who visits us is sure not to pass on our address to Tom. Also I apologised to Lana about the issue with paying the same amounts of rent.

She said she had never had a problem with it, and said that's how she had always done it through uni and with other roommates. She refused to take any money from me but I've decided I will be funding the weekly flat wine sessions for the future. It's been a long long month and even though my travelling tan has faded, things are great now.

Thanks for all your advice before guys, even the ones I didn't agree with, and lets all pray to baby Jesus that I have a calmer living situation from now on.

TL;DR: Lana split with Tom, Tom went insane, we called the p*lice and they scared him off so we haven't needed to get a restraining order (yet). We moved to a flat nearby so he doesn't know where we live anymore and we're slowly cultivating a flat wine collection (but quickly drinking it).

Commenters were so happy to hear a positive resolution.

aspidities_87 wrote:

Wow, what a fantastic outcome for everyone involved. I mean, obviously trauma from Tom's idiocy and harassment, but now that f**kwit is on police notice, you and Lana have a nice new flat with equal footing, and it sounds like you've formed a real bond over this, whereas your previous post was typical roommate entitlement issues combined with a s**t boyfriend.

It both escalated and got better! Much luck to you and Lana living in the future. You've been a great friend to her. Your aunt definitely deserves some good wine sessions too.

OP responded:

We're taking my aunt out for dinner next month!

greenFuzzyTesla wrote:

This update was so satisfying to read. You guys did great! I cracked up when I read the magazine subscriptions part, dude was a loon.

clovermeadow wrote:

You were a really good egg in this situation! I'm glad it's turned out for the best.

OP responded:

Thank you! I'm so happy it's all calmed down now.

What a refreshing wholesome ending to a troubling saga.

Sources: Reddit
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