'I snooped on my husband's phone and found out he is bi. Do I bring it up?' UPDATED

"I (32F) snooped on my husband's (33M) phone and found out he is bi."

We have been married for 5 years. My husband has different message tones for all his closest friends. Over the last weeks he has been texting a female friend, I think she got a text from her through the day and it was way above normal that I noticed it.

He has also been very protective of his phone. He always used to leave it unlocked, would lend it to me if I wanted to do a quick search but he has been with his phone. He never locks his phone and he always takes it with him wherever he goes. He had told me that at the start of their friendship - 12 years ago- he had feelings for her but it was fleeting and they have a really strong friendship.

I was feeling jealous and betrayed. I have been cheated on before and I still am a bit insecure about this. Two days ago, He had left his phone unlocked. I opened his messenger and he last message was - I am good at hiding it. I should have just left the phone at the table and minded my own business but that text confirmed all my fears and I couldn't stop myself from opening it to read.

I regret it. He wanted to come out but was scared. He was scared of my reaction. He was scared that I would not find him attractive anymore and that we would have to get a divorce. He thought it was not worth coming out. I came to my senses and I kept his phone back on the table. My head is spinning a little. What do I do know?

Should I tell him that I know and that it is okay? I feel terrible for hiding things from him. I want to apologize to him for snooping on his phone. I also feel a bit sad that he was more comfortable trusting her than trusting me which is not very mature on my part. would it be better If I tell him? I want to do what would make him happy but I can't just ask him that.

Tl;DR: I thought my husband was cheating. He was not, he is bi and wanted to stay in the closet but now I know and I am freaking out how to deal with this.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Mother_of_Grendel wrote:

It seems that most people are saying you should tell him, but I'm in the other camp. He needs to come out and share this information on his own timeline, forcing him before he is ready can be really really damaging.

You can help him by having conversations or dropping hints that aren't specifically about him that indicate you are okay with this development in your relationship...but let him broach the subject when he is ready. The only partially concerning thing here is that he felt he could confide in his friend before you, but that doesn't seem too worrisome to me.

I would probably confide in a friend before telling my partner something like this if I knew there could be negative outcomes from this discussion. She is being his sounding board while he works it out, and it might hurt that he didn't come to you, but he also has a lot more to risk by discussing this with you.

At some point you guys will need to talk about it and you will need to reassure and remind him that you are his wife and should be the person he talks to first, but considering the specific nature of this, it doesn't seem unreasonable that he would seek out an outside voice.

Telling him you snooped forces the conversation to occur which he might not be ready to have. If it were me, I would be more angry about that than the fact that you snooped in the first place. Just something to consider. Best of luck!

Alert_hypnotist wrote:

The question is are you truly ok with him being bi? If so, ok, if not, this is a much bigger issue. I can understand being wary after being cheated on, but that’s your issue to deal with. You did look at his phone. I’d own up to that and have the conversation.

Charming-Ad-2381 wrote:

As a bi woman who's in a relationship with a bi man, I advise that you wait. If you tell him you know then you're forcing him to come out & that's fudged up. If you love him, you will wait for him to come out to you. Please please don't take it personally, everyone's coming out is for different reasons.

He probably needed someone to give him an extra "you'll be okay, you got this!" encouragement before making the plunge. I'm sure you've discussed things with friends about what to say or do, and he has done the same. But please, I am begging you, let him come to you.

PaintedSwindle wrote:

As a bi person, I want to echo the other commenters saying to wait and let him come out to you. See if you can find ways to show your acceptance of LGBTQ people at random times, like during a TV show with queer characters.

Try not to be too obvious about it! When I was deathly afraid to come out to family or friends, it helped me immensely to hear them randomly show their acceptance of LGBTQ people!

A little over two weeks later, OP shared an update.

I did not expect so many responses and I was a bit confused on what to do but I guess most people in the community was telling me to give him space to process it himself and come out on his own terms.

I took the advice to be generally supportive of the lGBTQA community without being obvious about it. I also spend some time reading about bisexuality. I did post a story on June 1 but the best thing that happened was that his friend came out as bi herself.

We follow each other on Instagram and she had made a post about it. I made a comment congratulating her and wishing her well. She did text me about a dinner and while we were chatting she thanked me for my support and this wonderful woman gave me an another opportunity to express my support and do it in more personal way than a comment. He came out to me about a week ago.

He was very nervous and still scared and all I wanted to do was tell me that I knew but from what I have read letting people do it on their own terms were really important. He told me, nothing would change. He just wanted me to know and he didn't want to hide a part of himself. It was okay. I told him nothing had to change. He was the perfect man for me and I loved him no matter what.

He did ask me later if I knew and I came clean. I told him I saw. Apologized for it and cried a lot. He was upset but understanding. He even apologized for suddenly changing his behavior which is bulls#$t as I should have dealt with it a lot more maturely. it just hit just right spot of insecurity for me.

Things are fine. He is happier and we are getting back to our old routines.

TL;DR: He came out. I confessed to snooping and things are okay.

The internet was glad to hear the update.

Misspinksalot wrote:

I went back and read your original post and I have to say I think you handled it well!! Could you have just talked about it at the start instead of snooping? Yes, but we all make mistakes especially when it comes to our insecurities (Also you could benefit from seeing a therapist to talk about your past and help yourself trust your partner more :) )

[deleted] wrote:

Straight spouse with a bi husband here as well. Glad you had such a good resolution! I completely understand why you feel/felt insecure, but at the end of the day it's about trusting your partner in the same way that you would if they were straight.

HobGobblers wrote:

I am a bisexuality woman married to a bisexuality man. We are completely monogamous and love each other fully. This is still the same man you have loved and trusted all these years!

_Dr_Bette_ wrote:

It can be harder for bi men in straight relationships because the homophobia around that is pretty high. There is a lot of toxic ideas about masculinity where society says that bi-men are really gay because no "real man" would even think about being with another man.

I don't know if you saw that blind dating show - but there was a couple that was moving toward marriage and the woman found out that the man had relations with men before and she was disgusted and felt betrayed to the extent she felt he did something vehemently evil to her by not telling her on the first date.

That comes from society telling people that being on a spectrum of sexuality that is not 100 one direction is a betrayal to their partner. So for men who date women, it's particularly scary for that to come out because the fear of stigma and someone leaving them is based in a very sad reality.

I'm so glad that you showed him that your love for him is true and that even with this knowledge you are committed and are not disgusted by him. Not telling you directly may feel like a betrayal, but it is rooted in the realistic high probability that a straight partner would not just walk out, but would lose respect and develop animosity and hatred for the person who loves them.