'I spent New Year's with my ex in-laws when my family invited my ex to Christmas. AITA?'
"I spent New Year's with my ex in-laws when my family invited my ex to Christmas. AITA?"
Basically we split after she came out as a lesbian at the start of 2025. We're both 42 now and we were together for nearly 17 years. I wanted no contact with her. I've been able to avoid her relatively well - my family had a relationship with her which I can't avoid (their excuse is that she's been in their lives so long she's part of the family herself) but it hasn't affected me up until now.
My ex and her own family always got along and I had a great relationship with them myself. Particularly her mum. When she came out, they all fell out and they disowned her (they're from a Caribbean background so there's an element culturally there).
The original plan for Christmas/New Year was that I was going to spend the time at my folk's. It would have been nice after the year I've had. But at the start of December, my mum told me she spoke to my ex and she had no one to spend Christmas with so she invited her to have dinner with us.
I wasn't happy with that at all and my mum basically said she hates the thought of someone having no one at Christmas. So I said I don't think I want to go and I'd rather spend Christmas on my own. She thought I was being dramatic.
Not long after, I that received a Christmas card from my ex in-laws so I rang them and thanked them. It was lovely to catch up and my ex mil asked me what I'm doing for Christmas.
I said about my situation and I don't think I am going to my folk's and she invited me to spend Christmas with them and said I'm always welcome. I said why not and I'd go and stay with them.
I told my mum a few days before I'm definitely not going and she was gutted, saying I should reconsider. I went to my ex's family and I had a great time. They made proper Caribbean food (curry goat) and I enjoyed their company. I enjoyed it so much that I stayed until new year.
I'm definitely going to stay in contact. I even reconnected with my ex sister-in-law while I was there. I dare say there was a bit of flirtation there but I didn't act on it (although I still might, the years young yet - she did give me her number and said we can go out anytime).
When I got back home yesterday, my mum was angry with me. She said I ruined Christmas and I was a bad person for spending time with people like my ex in-laws. Apparently loads of people in my family aren't happy with me too. AITA for spending time with my ex in-laws over my own family because they invited my ex?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. You told your mom, she decided the ex's company was more important than yours.
Your mom 'hates the idea of someone being alone for xmas' so invited your ex over, who she knew you went no contact with. And when you explained that would leave you being alone for xmas, she doubled down on picking your ex over you. Going no contact with someone means they did real harm to you.
Your mom put someone who hurt you deeply, over you. Your mom said she would rather you be alone for xmas, or 'suck it up buttercup' and be manipulated into being around someone who hurt you enough to go no contact.
This is the core, not the ex-in-laws beliefs (messed up though they are). Your mom can kick rocks. She has no right to be salty with you for not going along with her BS plan to emotionally manipulate you into being a doormat.
Your ex-in-laws have growth work to do. I hope they are able to get beyond the seed of hate that was planted in them and move towards being the loving people they otherwise appear to be demonstrating themselves to be.
A bit hypocritical that your mum said you’re a bad person for spending time with your ex in-laws, when they chose to do the same. And like many, I don’t agree with not being accepting, however your ex did hurt you, and your family seem to have glossed over that part. NTA.
ESH. Your parents shouldn’t have invited your ex for Christmas. Your ex shouldn’t have accepted. Your ex’s family shouldn’t have invited you. You shouldn’t have accepted.
Her sister shouldn’t have flirted with you. You shouldn’t be thinking of taking that further. There’s billions of people on the planet absolutely no need for you two to get together, please don’t do it.
NTA. If your mother hadn't invited your ex, you would have been there. She said she didn't want someone to be alone at Christmas. Well, you didn't want to be alone at Christmas, either.
Bigotry aside (as a trans person, that made my skin crawl) it sounds like you traded parents in the divorce. I can't say you are the ah for the specific situation, but that doesn't make you exempt from the fact that you went to hang out with a family of bigoted people which is morally a pretty clear issue for your family due to the way they treated her.
ESH is my final verdict because morally, you know exactly why they are pissed with you. They suck for inviting your ex over your own comfort. She sucks because she should know that was messed up to accept the invite to your family knowing how you feel.