'I spent New Year's with my ex in-laws when my family invited my ex to Christmas. AITA?' UPDATED
"I spent New Year's with my ex in-laws when my family invited my ex to Christmas. AITA?"
Basically we split after she came out as a lesbian at the start of 2025. We're both 42 now and we were together for nearly 17 years. I wanted no contact with her. I've been able to avoid her relatively well - my family had a relationship with her which I can't avoid (their excuse is that she's been in their lives so long she's part of the family herself) but it hasn't affected me up until now.
My ex and her own family always got along and I had a great relationship with them myself. Particularly her mum. When she came out, they all fell out and they disowned her (they're from a Caribbean background so there's an element culturally there).
The original plan for Christmas/New Year was that I was going to spend the time at my folk's. It would have been nice after the year I've had. But at the start of December, my mum told me she spoke to my ex and she had no one to spend Christmas with so she invited her to have dinner with us.
I wasn't happy with that at all and my mum basically said she hates the thought of someone having no one at Christmas. So I said I don't think I want to go and I'd rather spend Christmas on my own. She thought I was being dramatic.
Not long after, I that received a Christmas card from my ex in-laws so I rang them and thanked them. It was lovely to catch up and my ex mil asked me what I'm doing for Christmas.
I said about my situation and I don't think I am going to my folk's and she invited me to spend Christmas with them and said I'm always welcome. I said why not and I'd go and stay with them.
I told my mum a few days before I'm definitely not going and she was gutted, saying I should reconsider. I went to my ex's family and I had a great time. They made proper Caribbean food (curry goat) and I enjoyed their company. I enjoyed it so much that I stayed until new year.
I'm definitely going to stay in contact. I even reconnected with my ex sister-in-law while I was there. I dare say there was a bit of flirtation there but I didn't act on it (although I still might, the years young yet - she did give me her number and said we can go out anytime).
When I got back home yesterday, my mum was angry with me. She said I ruined Christmas and I was a bad person for spending time with people like my ex in-laws. Apparently loads of people in my family aren't happy with me too. AITA for spending time with my ex in-laws over my own family because they invited my ex?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. You told your mom, she decided the ex's company was more important than yours.
Your mom 'hates the idea of someone being alone for xmas' so invited your ex over, who she knew you went no contact with. And when you explained that would leave you being alone for xmas, she doubled down on picking your ex over you. Going no contact with someone means they did real harm to you.
Your mom put someone who hurt you deeply, over you. Your mom said she would rather you be alone for xmas, or 'suck it up buttercup' and be manipulated into being around someone who hurt you enough to go no contact.
A bit hypocritical that your mum said you’re a bad person for spending time with your ex in-laws, when they chose to do the same. And like many, I don’t agree with not being accepting, however your ex did hurt you, and your family seem to have glossed over that part. NTA.
ESH. Your parents shouldn’t have invited your ex for Christmas. Your ex shouldn’t have accepted. Your ex’s family shouldn’t have invited you. You shouldn’t have accepted.
Her sister shouldn’t have flirted with you. You shouldn’t be thinking of taking that further. There’s billions of people on the planet absolutely no need for you two to get together, please don’t do it.
NTA. If your mother hadn't invited your ex, you would have been there. She said she didn't want someone to be alone at Christmas. Well, you didn't want to be alone at Christmas, either.
It sounds like you traded parents in the divorce. I can't say you are the ah for the specific situation, but that doesn't make you exempt from the fact that you went to hang out with a family of bigoted people which is morally a pretty clear issue for your family due to the way they treated her.
ESH is my final verdict because morally, you know exactly why they are pissed with you. They suck for inviting your ex over your own comfort. She sucks because she should know that was messed up to accept the invite to your family knowing how you feel.
Six days later, the OP returned with an update.
This week, I had some missed calls from my cousin's daughter's number (second cousin? Not sure of the technical term. Her and my mum are close, and she was like a little sister to me as a teenager as she looked after her for her mum when she went to work).
So I rang her back and she went off her head at me, calling me every name under the sun. I tried to give her my side, she wasn't having any of it, so I basically told her to get lost.
She blabbed to her own mum who then sends me message after message on her social media about how I spoke to her daughter (a freaking 30 year old woman no less) and how I'm treating my mum. I just blocked her.
I'll probably hear about it soon enough - she's a narcissist who lies to make herself look better so will no doubt spin it to my uncle, other cousins and everyone who'll listen. I don't care, if anyone else says anything I'll block them and cut them off and all.
It's obvious there my mum's been talking trash about it so I basically rang her and confronted her. She admitted it, that she told people because she was "hurt". I said basically she has no idea of the word and she, my dad and ex hurt me more than anything I could do to them.
I told her I don't want to talk anymore and don't bother ringing me, I won't bother ringing her. I got some texts later on from her, really long ones and I just deleted them without reading and blocked her number for now.
Since I haven't been speaking to her (not just this week but since Christmas) regularly I've been so much less stressed. It's made me realise how much I'm leeched off by her.
For all my adult life, she's rang me twice a day and we speak for at least half an hour each time. Well I say "we" speak it's usually a case of her talking and me listening. And it's all trauma dumping too - the past few years it's been worrying about my dad, worrying about her health, worrying about the dog, crying about certain cousins who died, even talking about how she thinks she's going to die.
Freaking twice a day I've had it for years - ironically my ex used to say I deserve a medal for putting up with it for so long (and now she's up their arses, how does that work?!). Despite this situation being terrible, I feel like a Burden's been lifted.
I heard from my ex MIL. I wished her happy new year and she messaged me back and we've been texting back and forth. It feels like a genuine conversation, like someone who actually cares about what I have to say. She said I'm invited to her birthday do in March and I am going to go.
I know that won't be popular of you who say I shouldn't be in touch with bigots or the like but they're the only people on earth at the moment who cares about me and I dare say love me so I'm not about to give that up and be on my own.
I've also messaged ex SIL back too. We've spoke a bit and she's not looking for anything serious as she's just got out of a bad relationship herself so it'll be a casual/FWB thing more likely. Suits me as that's where I am too. We might hook up soon actually - not gonna lie, very excited by the prospect.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Of all the people in the world you're going after your ex SIL? You're asking for drama.
Just feels like he's feeling hurt, so he wants to hurt her back.
But tbh, she suffered a huge loss already. Its just rubbing salt into the wound.
You know, this is one of those ones where I feel like everyone involved deserves the inevitable train wreck.