'AITA for 'stealing' a flight my wife booked after I found out she was cheating on me?'
"AITA for 'stealing' a flight my wife booked when we were married after I found out she was having an affair?"
generallylaidback writes:
Been with my wife for 10 years, married for 5. Up until the past few weeks, I thought we were happy. We bought a house together, have animals, no kids (neither of us want them), and have been globetrotting around the world the past few years. We’ve had some challenges, but I never felt like we were ever “on the rocks” or even close.
About a year ago, we booked our dream trip to Japan for this November and paid for the flights using a travel voucher she received from her then-employer as a 10-year work anniversary. We knew it was coming and had planned the whole trip around using that voucher to pay for the flight.
We keep our finances separate and typically pay for everything 50/50, but this voucher was an exception to the rule. She didn’t ask me to pay my own way or anything. We were married and happy, and it never occurred to either of us that we would do anything different.
Fast forward to a month ago, my wife got in an argument with one of my siblings at a family outing late into the night after we had all been drinking heavily. I was not present when this happened, I just saw the aftermath once the damage had been done.
Long story short, she stormed out in a rage and stayed at a hotel that night. She continued to not contact me for several days until she finally revealed she was staying at her brother’s place across town. We met up a few days after that night and she expressed she needed time and space.
I wanted to communicate, but she did not, and I felt at that time it wasn’t best to push the issue. My wife has always been hesitant to connect with my family due to her own family trauma, and whatever argument broke out between her and my sibling seemed to be the breaking point for her. I still to this day am not sure exactly what was said.
That following weekend, she went out of town to visit a friend. She only told me this after she had come back, but at the time I had no idea she had left. I won’t go into all the intricate details, but while she was on this trip she met someone, spent the entire weekend with them (yes, including being physically intimate), and continued to keep in touch with them.
Not knowing this, I fought hard to make it so we both could come back to the house and try to share space. Having said that, she asked that we stay in separate areas of the house as she still wanted space to figure out how she felt about where we were as a couple.
That same night, I overheard a conversation she was having with this guy. It was apparent they had been intimate over the weekend and the conversation was very flirty. My heart was broken. I was, and still am, shattered.
I talked to my therapist and decided to let her know I knew what she had done. I offered her the chance to reveal it, but was met with slight hostility and “Do you think I’m hiding something?” instead of just admitting it when she was clearly caught.
I knew she had plans to go out of town again to see this guy. I asked her not to multiple times over the course of the next few days. She still went, knowing full well I knew. The person I loved seemed to be gone.
And now we get to the point of this post. While she was gone, I was in maybe the worst mental and emotional state of my life. I felt like, and still feel like, I had no power to change what was happening and every moment was excruciating knowing what was happening and that she knew I knew and did it anyway.
One of the things I heard her talking to this guy about was our Japan trip, and how she could potentially cancel my ticket so he could go with her. My mind landed on this memory at some point during this very emotional weekend and I thought to myself, “You’ve taken everything from me but you’re not taking this.”
So, I called the airline and separated the reservation so she could not do anything to my ticket, nor I to hers. She got back after her weekend with this guy and for the first time I feel like we had our first honest conversation.
She doesn’t love me anymore, she wants to be single and date, she wants a divorce. As hard as that was to hear, I was just glad she was finally telling me the truth. I actually walked away from the conversation feeling at least some clarity. I did not say anything about the ticket, though.
Then tonight happened. She saw the reservation no longer had me on it, clearly figured out what I had done, and confronted me. She was very upset. She claimed, “I’ve never done anything to hurt you like this. You stole from me.”
I am not in the emotional state to even begin to talk objectively about who hurt who at this point. My question is, AITA for separating the tickets? She hurt me, and in my mind I rationalized changing the reservation as my way of having some control.
I still want to go on the trip, even if she doesn’t. And I also justified my actions at the time by saying to myself, “She used that voucher as a gift to me when we were happily married. Why should I give that back?”
It’s hard for me to think about my actions or hers objectively right now. Even after all she’s done, there’s a part of me that wants to figure things out between us, but I feel like after this we both see the divide as too deep.
Did I go too far? Did I actually steal from her? Is my hurt not enough to justify my own selfish behavior to attempt to gain some control of a situation in which I had none? AITAH? Are we both?
OP added more context:
For some additional details about what was said between her and my sibling: My wife has been battling an eating disorder for the past couple of years. It was pretty dire at one point. Her doctors asked her not to drive because her heart was so weak from malnutrition that it could essentially fail at any moment.
She’s worked hard to get healthier, and at one point relapsed, so we had to go to a residential facility out of state. Not trying to make myself look good, but I drove her to all her appointments, lived with a family member close to the residential facility for 3 months, and attended a caretaker support group facilitated by her treatment center every week for the duration of her illness.
She’s better, but she hates the body she’s in now and is incredibly afraid people judge her by her physical appearance. This has caused her to withdraw from many relationships and friendships, including with my family.
That night all this went down was the first time she had been around my family in a long time. I even had her invite her sister and nieces to come along so she could feel more comfortable. As the night went on, I did notice she would work into conversations with my siblings something along the lines of, “I know you all hate me because I’m never here,” mostly jokingly but of course I knew it was also serious.
I cut her off from drinks and she then went on to have what I saw to be fun and lighthearted conversations with everyone. From what I know, she apparently worked one of these phrases into a conversation with my brother and he, according to her, obliged her by saying, “You’re right, we do hate you.”
Or something along those lines. My brother claims he said nothing of the sort, she claims he said the worst imaginable. I’m sure the truth lies somewhere in between. Regardless, this is what set her off that night from my understanding.
Here are some of the comments.
Duckett-cheats1234 says:
"She said 'I've never done anything to hurt you like this' you took her flight voucher and she cheated with another man! Get the hell away and don't look back."
ThatQuiet8782 says:
NTA. Get your ducks in a row. This will be a horrible divorce to fight. Temper your heart and do what you need to do to protect yourself before she can ruin you.
SpiteWestern6739 says:
NTA, the only reason she thinks she never did anything to hurt you like this is because she's a narcissist who thinks anything she does is justified. Go and enjoy your trip and don't let the words of a cheating scumbag weigh you down.
Primary-Delivery737 says:
NTA. She sounds horrible. Go on the trip.