"AITA for stopping child support when my kid turned 18?"
My ex-wife and I divorced about 10 years ago. In the divorce decree, we made concessions on both sides. We did not split our 401k accounts, which would have netted me about $40,000, she did not pay alimony, and she also agreed not to go after maximum child support since she made more than I did.
I also stipulated that I wanted to see my kid every week, not just every other weekend, which I understand is a common arrangement.
She has gotten remarried in the last couple of years to a man who has a very niche job in construction and does well financially. He got a promotion, and they recently bought a house with a payment about three times higher than what they had before. He also got a new truck, so they appear to be doing well.
I have paid child support faithfully every month, in two payments per month and a little more than what we agreed on in court. I have also paid for other things. I keep her on my dental insurance, I split the cost of school fees, class rings, and any large one-time expenses, and I take my daughter on vacation every summer for her birthday.
We have been on some nice trips. My daughter turned 18 in mid-July, and I made the payment for July. I have not sent any money in August, and yesterday afternoon I got a text from my ex asking if I would be ending my help now that my daughter is 18.
I told her that if my daughter needed something, since she is planning on moving out, I would try to help, but I had not had a full paycheck in a decade and needed to use the extra money to take care of my own needs.
I thought that was the end of it, but last night I got another text saying, “So to be clear, you are not helping with her car payment, insurance, phone bill, etc.?” I told her again that I would help my daughter out but would no longer be sending her money. I know she is trying to guilt me, and it is working a little.
I talked to my daughter, who was staying with me last night, to explain things in general terms so she would understand why her mom might be angry or talk negatively about me. Her observation was that it probably came as a shock to her mom, since one day she was not 18 and then she was. AITA here?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
BatsItsFreakinBats says:
I think YTA for the way you handle the situation. From the picture you paint of your ex, it sounds like a civil conversation could have been had between the two of you regarding the child support and how to move forward with your daughter’s finances.
Disastrous-Nail-640 says:
NTA. Into want to point out a couple of things though: What her husband does isn’t relevant. How much he makes doesn’t matter. It’s not his kid. If by “not having a full paycheck in a decade” you mean that you had to help raise your child, no one feels bad for you. That’s every parent in the world.
Coollogin says:
NTA. Tell your ex that from now on, you will be discussing financial matters directly with your daughter.
ProfessorDistinct835
As long as your court ordered child support stops at 18, you are NTA. What you contribute going forward is up to you and may be a better conversation to have with your daughter.
ESH. This sounds like the type of conversation all of you should have had way before your daughter turned 18. You're not legally obligated to pay and the mom shouldn't have counted on continuing to receive it but people need to plan for financial changes in advance so that expenses you'd been helping with - and that don't instantly stop at the age of 18 - can be planned for.
You need to stop viewing this as a burden you finally got out from under and remember that you still have a child who needs support and parenting from you. You can either decide as (as a group of 3, now that your daughter is an adult) what level of financial support you're going to continue with your daughter as a legal adult (eg helping with insurance, tuition, phone) and how and if that needs to be divided.
You can also give your daughter money directly now if you dont want to deal with her mom. But figure out what your daughter needs