'I surprised my wife by coming home early only to find another man in our home.' UPDATED

"I [36M] surprised wife [32F] by coming home early only to find another man [21?M] in our home late. Is this 'monkey branching" or just my difficult past influencing me?"

Background: Partner (32F) and I (36M) have been together just over 8 years. Married with one child. Mostly a very love filled relationship, we had our disagreements but they always ended with some form of care and compassion and compromise or resolution.

Both independent, educated, swap between working and stay at home parent. Both have full time careers in medical field and each our own side businesses we run from home. I have no reason to distrust her. Recent past: during pregnancy and after our first child we had some major disagreements and we had an enormous lost of trust and communication between us.

She was later diagnosed with PPD/PPA and started medication, and both started marriage counseling recently. We both having feelings of being hurt, disrespected, unheard and unloved by the other. Both are 100% valid, we hurt each other. I have doubts that she loves me in the same deep way she used to but I'm willing to trust her when she tells me. I’ve voiced this to her often recently.

Everything seemed to be moving forward until I came home last night I should back up: she went on a day-long hike yesterday with some friends to go foraging. One of which was a coworker (21?M). Young kid, works on the floor with her as a nurse. It's overnight shifts, so they have a lot of time to hang around the nursing station.

I know they talk, I know they talk on messenger, I have no problems with my wife having friends, any flavor. He had come over a couple times before hikes and seemed pretty shy and nervous around me but he's a kid, seemed cool.

A few weeks ago, my wife had to wait for the pharmacy to open up to pick up her pills (she ran out), so in order to wait, they went hiking up a mountain together after work. But when got home she had forgotten her to actually go get her pills, and had to make the 2hr RT drive to get them the next day. Something didn't feel right.

Anyway, back to yesterday and her hike with friends out foraging. He, the kid, came by in the morning, so they could carpool. My lovely wife gave him a couple books (on foraging, etc) as gifts when he arrived, it seemed a little awkward receiving them. They took off, brought our child to the babysitter and went foraging, he left his car at our place.

When I got home from work, I decided I wanted a little time to myself and for the first time in ... 2? years I threw sleeping back and pad in a backpack and went out cowboy camping on top of my favorite local peak. Texted my wife that I wouldn’t be home tonight and I'd see her in the morning.

Honestly, the hike and peak was awesome, read my book, smoked a joint with some kids having a fire on the other lookout, was really fun and I felt great. Then my sleeping pad deflated. I didn't bring a fucking patch kit. So that sucks but it's only 9pm, I'll just come down, scoot home and go see my wife.

We had just missed being intimate the last week, lots of hugging and touching and lead up but timing didn't work, and so instead of texting her I thought I'd surprise her. She had texted me earlier, around 7pm, that she was back home, and that by 8pm our kid was down sleeping, she was back up with all her mushrooms and ramps and stuff. Sent pictures, looked like an awesome day.

When I pulled in the driveway, around 9:45pm? The kid's car was still parked in the driveway. Bit odd he stayed around for the hour it took while my wife put our kid to bed and couple hours more together after that. I came inside and it really didn't seem like anything was off. He was still awkward and my wife was a bit talkative, but she had a great day and wanted to talk about it and I like to hear about it.

They had a microscope out on the table with specimens around. Nothing suspicious at all honestly but I felt something deep in me. I was sweaty and gross so I excused myself and took a shower. Here, I have to probably relay some trauma, my only other serious adult relationship ended in betrayal when my partner (25F) fell for a much younger man (19M), a coworker who she told me I had nothing to worry about.

She told me he had feelings for her but it wasn't mutual. He wasn't her type, he was short, artist type and she preferred men like me, tall, less flighty, more masculine. I trusted her. In a horrifying series of events, I would learn from a friend that my past partner and the previous kid were seen together and she had spent the night as his place. I was out of town at the time.

Between the time I learned of them together and the day before I was able to come home, she had been killed in a car accident. I came home expecting to seek answers for things I had heard, only to find she was gone forever. It screwed me up for years, probably permanently, which is why I'm coming to internet strangers for advice.

I don't think I can be a good judge of this current situtation because of my past. I think it hits me too hard from a place I can't understand. With all the similarities, it is just a lot. So needless to say, coming out of the shower I had a lot of feelings but I kept composed. I absolutely do not want to discourage my wife from having friends or enjoying hobbies with those friends. And I trust her.

When I came out to the kitchen to eat with them and chat, his car was pulling out of the driveway. I guess he had to get his mom's car home by 3am? That's what my wife said, which I found a weird thing to say. He could leave by 2am then...that's not a reason for leaving right now but whatever, I’m going insane inside and maybe can’t understand why that was said.

Wife and I chatted, I think she could tell something was off. She offered a massage but honestly, I really didn't feel like being touched. I think I was having a bit of anxiety. She asked whats wrong and I told her I think some my of past is messing with me. She asked if it was because he was over so late, after our kid was asleep. I said yes.

I asked if she had feelings for him, she said "no." I asked if he had feelings for her, she said "I don't know."

I pressed her on it because, in my opinion, my wife has a (eternally frustrating) habit of trickle-truthing when she knows it's something I don't want to hear.

And then she said, in a long string: "He's just a dumb young kid, he doesn't know what he's doing, I don't even think he likes mushrooms, I think he just likes being around me, but I don't find him attractive. At all. Like at all. he’s not my type. You're my type. (my name). I don't. I love you and only you”

I should say I did really feel like she was being honest. But she did know the kid had feelings for her. But she's right, he's young and dumb and probably doesn't understand what he's attempting to do. But he is attempting it, and she knew it.

Then I realized that had my sleeping pad not blown and I had come home, it’s possible I could have never known what happened or if he was there or how long or anything. That sent me spiralling inside a bit. After more discussion, to her defense, she said things like "I was uncomfortable too having him over that late", though I'm not sure what to think.

Again, I don't want to stop my wife from having friends or ruin her relationships with coworkers. And my past might be playing a nefarious role in my gut shooting up the bat signal screaming at me that my relationship is damaged beyond repair, and my wife is entertaining other men, seriously or unseriously as a response to that.

Am I right to be distraught over him being over so late, the only night I’m ever gone, when she kinda-sorta-knew he had feelings for her? I'm feeling pretty bad today but can't tell if its from today or just reliving back then.

EDIT: There's no way I can respond to all these but for the vast majority, thank you. a lot. I just read a lot of helpful things. A lot of vastly different things honestly, but I guess that's to be expected. I still know I can't think straight right now. I feel stretched over two extreme positions and it's really hard to make sense of this. My body is extremely sore I think I've been tense all day

She comes home in an hour with our daughter. I know she will want to talk but honestly I don't think I physically can. I think I'll just play with the little one and go to bed with her. anyway, thanks. I do appreciate the sincerity and compassion in many of your responses, including the ones telling me to wake the hell up. I will, I got to get to sleep first.

TL;DR: Recently learned the term 'monkey branching’ and I can’t tell if what happened last night is my spouse doing some form of this. My past trauma is certainly clouding my judgement, so I need help.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

bushiboy1072 wrote:

She needs to cut this kid off, completely. Few people intend to start affairs, they happen when someone outside of the relationship starts paying them attention, and they don't stop it immediately. "Oh, he's just a friend. He's nothing to worry about."

"He's not even my type."

All those things have been said.

She may not be having an affair, or at least she doesn't realize it. The medical profession, for some reason, is rife with infidelity, perhaps more than any other.

This is from a study on 2021:

A descriptive study was carried out, studying the association of certain variables. In total, 367 volunteer participants completed an online survey. Of them, 21% either have or have had an unfaithful relationship. Most of those were doctors (81%) and men were more likely to cheat it showed. Make sure she's not in the 2 out of ten.

makemyweekbetter OP responded:

Yeah, another commenter talked about set boundaries. I think I'll ask her what boundaries she thinks are appropriate and kinda get a feeling of her headspace based on what she says. The problem (not) is that my wife is conventionally extremely attractive. I know how the medical field is.

We all witness a bunch of horrible crap and beautiful and shit and difficult shit together and trauma bonding happens. She has no shortage of male attention, I'm sure it's the same at work, but has never given me any indication (ever, honestly) that she was searching elsewhere. Until this guy. Hell yeah, okay you might have a really good point.

AtePasha wrote:

I think you don't realize how serious the situation is. Your wife takes someone who is interested in her to her house at night without you knowing. I think you're gaslighting yourself. This is a huge red flag.

makemyweekbetter OP responded:

Yeah I'm really afraid of this. I'm afraid, I don't know how to think right now and can't tell if I'm under or overreacting.

I need help.

bluecanaryflood wrote:

There’s a lot of daylight between “hey, your relationship with X makes me uncomfortable, could you take a few steps back from him and set some more stringent boundaries?” and “i won’t allow you to have male friends.” It’s not controlling to tell her you get the creeps about just one guy

12-inchchewbacca wrote:

"He's just a dumb young kid, he doesn't know what he's doing, i don't even think he likes mushrooms, i think he just likes being around me, but i don't find him attractive. at all. like at all. he’s not my type."

Every single warning siren and alarm would be going off at this monologue. He sounds socially awkward and unaware of how his (obvious) attraction to your wife is manifesting in his behaviors. There's no way he should be in a married woman's house after sundown without the husband there. But he doesn't get that.

Your wife does get it, though. And she's fully leading him on. She can call it "just being friendly" or whatever. She's not stupid like he is. And now you've caught her. It seems like you've caught an arsonist pulling matches out of their bag; that single act isn't enough to convict for, but there is a whole lot of intention behind that to be more than suspicious of.

A bit later, OP shared an update:

For the days after we talked a lot, she was adamant she wanted nothing to do with him, has no feelings other than friendship and now that she was aware both (a) the possibility of him trying (it is true I or she still don't *know* his intentions).

And (b) my reaction to her behavior (leaving out his presence later with her in text messages to me after carpooling/putting our kid to bed, trickle-truthing me on her view of his possible intentions), she said she "doesn't want anything to do with him. no, just no."

She offered up her phone if I wanted to see their conversations, she did the location sharing thing on her iPhone. Was pretty clear that this was all some bullshit and she hates that this situation ever became a thing. She was losing a friend but was more than willing to.

We set some boundaries.

People over late at the house, just let the other person know. Obviously family doesn't count. Just to avoid any possibility of any inference, better to let each other know who is in our house that late, 1 on 1.

For people who may we feel even have hints of intentions beyond platonic, we should overshare with each other. (thanks helpful commenter) Not overanalyze every relationship but just things like "Doc X said this today, kinda weird" or "new guy at foraging seemed to like me a lot". Stuff like that.

I don't want to be a controlling person, I'm not that person but maybe because of my history I require more openness and communication about things like that in a relationship. She told me I was being too worried about her feelings/me being controlling and that was more than willing to do anything it took to rebuild any trust that was broken from the situation.

Second session of marriage counseling and obviously topic came up first. I started to give a brief history but got interrupted by our child upstairs, I gave them some attention and came back down to continue.

When I got to the part of coming home, taking a shower and confronting my wife, I can't remember who said what, but it was interrupted, talking happened and then the therapist said "and it sounds like (wife name) recognized what had happened and your past". Wife said she didn't know how close/similar some of the details were and the conversation moved on from there.

The omission of his presence in text messages, trickletruthing, none of that was brought up. But things were looking up, not sure I like the therapist but whatever. Things seem to be good. She seemed fairly contrite though I really was still bothered by the red and orange flags planted in my little mind garden.

Fast forward, a week? Something like that. I messed up. I guess I'm glad I did but I did mess up. I don't sleep much, 5 hours max. Was up early, garden tending, made breakfast for little one and coffee for her, usual. I saw her work bag on the floor and I saw her journal in there. And I messed up and I read it. I wanted to know if he (the 21M) was in her journal.

For some context, I read the journals of my late partner, who died over a decade ago, and it was a stupid horrible mistake. I read things that I shouldn't have, very raw thoughts and feelings, pros and cons list of me. Crap like that. Then, entries about the other man and her falling in love with him. And her thoughts about her conflicted thoughts about leaving me.

Near the end, if I recall, she didn't know, she loved us both but we were so different. I kept the journals, still have them somewhere, but I did burn those last pages about him. I do recall telling myself that I was protecting future me. I'm glad I burned those pages and I'm glad I kept her journals but I don't venture to read them anymore. I will again when I'm older, to keep her alive in me somehow I guess.

Anyways, when I saw her journals in the bags I just grabbed them and I read the latest couple pages. Innocuous stuff until I got to about a month ago.

It said: "Texted all night and hike Monday"

Now that wasn't me she texted with or hiked with on that day, that was with him. When she forgot to get her prescription.

So that meant two things to me:

Who writes "texted all night" in their journal with someone they don't have feelings about? I'm not a journaler person, I don't like my thoughts enough to put them to paper, but that doesn't seem right to me. No name but def him, the dates match. I don't know, again, I don't journal so maybe anything can mean anything in there but what the hell.

She had planned on hiking with him. She didn't tell me that. She told me of her plans going hiking after work to pass the time before the pharmacy opens, but never told me that he was going too.

In fairness, she told me after she sent pictures of the hike to me and his dog was in the photos. But she didn't mention they had planned it together, seemed spontaneous but I never asked I guess.

So yeah, I stopped reading. Kinda felt like I was shot with an arrow. Pretty horrible feeling because I thought things were going to be okay but I now I read this crap. It was like 6am at this point, so I went on a run to clear my head and get the adrenaline out. Some tears too.

Got home and they were still sleeping, when they woke up and we were alone I asked her again if she ever developed any feeling at all for him. She said no. I told her I read her journal. I apologized but I told her I read something and I needed an explanation.

She wasn't happy. She told me those are personal, her thoughts and not for other people. She was also confused as to what I could have possibly read about him/the situation that need explaining. She asked me to show her the entry, I did.

[context, they work overnights together]

Her response was: "Oh yeah, we texted a lot that night. He wasn't working but I was. You know I wasn't home right? I was working that night." I asked why it was in her journal? And why were you were planning to hike with him but when you told me about your plans for that day, you never mentioned you were planning it with him?"

She said "Well I didn't know for sure he would come, we were talking bout it but I didn't know for sure" and the texted all night part "didn't mean anything", that journals are fragments, not full thoughts and she was just writing it.

I didn't like that answers at all honestly. We had another long discussion where she reassured me it meant nothing, that it shouldn't be interpreted as anything about her having feelings for him. I believe her. I don't know how she journals so maybe this isn't far out of the norm, I don't know.

Have to be honest here, the trust I had in her, a lot of it left. Which is pretty much the basis of a relationship. A lot of people sent me messages after my post with spy cams and shit. If I had to resort to that, I'd just end the relationship I thought. Now here I am snooping on her journals.

Two days later, kid and I go out camping at a park for a couple nights (she's working). Have a blast. During that time away I decide it's important to me to know what conversations took place between them.

Yes, I snooped, but I think it's reasonable, at this point, to demand to know just what types of things are said between them. She offered earlier, I just never took her up on it because it was really obvious to me, she felt she had nothing to hide. But after this journal entry thing, yeah I would like to know what 'texted all night' means.

I thought if the conversation that night is just BS, sure whatever. If it's more, or that night is deleted or something, then I'll know. I honestly expected to read the messages, be reassured of her side of the story and move on. So we got home yesterday from camping. This morning I asked her if I could read their conversations.

Explained why and without hesitation she said yes and went to get her phone. Gave it to me and I sat to start reading. They had been texting recently, mostly innocuous mushroom stuff, then a one/ a couple attempts by him to come over/go out foraging. I guess he was going to around our area (he lives an hour away) cruising on his motorcycle and her response to him was, as close as I can recall was:

"Not today not allowed to have anyone at home. lol"

Alright what the hell.

She saw my face and asked what was wrong. I put the phone down and said I don't want to read anymore. I asked if she had told him about my view on their relationship, or what happened or anything about him/her/I. She said no. I asked again. She said no, he has no clue, she never mentioned anything. I showed her the text and asked her why she would say that.

Why would she say "no one was allowed" at home? People are allowed in my home, that wasn't any of the boundaries we set together. He's been here, clearly. And why would she say that to him if she never mentioned anything like that to him? Her response was that she meant she wasn't having people over/was busy. She then told me "you were home that day...I don't get it."

Yeah I didn't read the dates of the text but even so, why the fuck would you word it that way? That's not even close to "no, I'm busy today" or literally any other million ways to say I'm not available today. I'm not allowed to have people at home is entirely different. lol is entirely different.

I cannot see how on earth you get from those words to that meaning she says she was trying to convey. Maybe I'm wrong. She said she didn't mean it that way it's not her mother tongue. To be fair, English is not her first language. She's quite fluent and has learned it from childhood but it's not her primary language. We've spoken exclusively English together for the ~decade I've known her.

You wouldn't know it wasn't her primary talking to her unless you had a good ear. But she's right, maybe it just is a mistranslation. She said it was "clumsy" and not meant in any way to convey anything more than "I'm not available today". We talked all morning until she went to bed. She reassured me she loves me and only me. I walked through every red flag, every opportunity for her to be honest and open.

I asked why she didn't tell me about his recent attempts to meet up again? She said she didn't know she should have told me. She said she didn't know she had to replay every conversation with him to me. I said she didn't, that's not what I was asking. But I was asking for her to be extra open about her relationship with him to me and him asking to come over, twice, definitely would require her letting me know.

I told her she didn't respect me at all. I told her she didn't care enough to tell me. I told her she's not being open and honest with me. That it's not me and her against the world, that this relationship is something else.

She reassured me it meant nothing but now that she sees how that text could be read that way (as if they had discussed him not being allowed in our home, she still denies), that she understands why I would react that way. She was frustrated, she said "it feels like a little fly came into my life and shit all over everything", referring to him and his advances as the cause of what messed this all up.

I reiterated to her, every step along the way, in which she could have been truthful to me and decide to omit information.

Texting all night and planning the hike.

Staying over late after carpooling together, after our kid went to sleep, texting me and not mentioning he was still over. Trickle-truthing me on whether she thinks he's interested in her. His two offers to meet via text/messenger or whatever (that I saw, didn't look more) that she didn't think to tell me about.

And her reply of "not today not allowed to have anyone at home. lol" whatever the fuck that means. Her position is still the same, that this is all the bad coincidences and misunderstandings, misreading texts or journal entires, etc. But she says she loves me, has only eyes for me and better understands now where I'm coming from.

So...there's my little hell I've got for myself. Personal therapy starting soon but I guess internet therapy will do for now. It's somehow therapeutic to remember this and type it all out.

Last post I felt very overwhelmed by the response, sorry I didn't respond to a lot of comments or questions or clarifications. I'll try to do better here, since this is probably the final time I'll use the internet as therapy.

Thanks in advance. I guess I should ask in this field of flags is there some green grass? I trust my wife. I did. When she tells me she loves me and only me, I'm convinced. Or is this all as screwed as the plain reading makes it seem? Because it does seem quite screwed.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

beastbossnastie wrote:

Every time you hit something suspicious you stop reading. If you are going to snoop just snoop all the way. Like you didnt even get to what they texted all night about. The fact she's so open with her phone is a point in her direction but damn she's either wildly stupid or wildly manipulative.

makemyweekbetter OP responded:

You're right, I will see the rest of those texts. The Journal, I will bring up in therapy, I'll respect what the therapist says if she gives good reasons either way. But yeah, I messed up both times by stopping reading.

Honestly was expecting smooth sailing this morning when she handed me her phone but the "not allowed to have anyone over today lol" screwed me a bit. Wife said she saw my face change I guess. I wasn't expecting it

Anyway, thanks, you're right.

-h_simpson_ wrote:

Problem here is trust was broken and these incidents continue to undermine the healing process. You feel like she’s not being totally transparent; you have to pry stuff out of her. With transparency comes trust. Continue with couples counseling and go to individual therapy. Don’t listen to all the internet therapists saying immediate divorce.

I strongly recommend she goes NO contact with this guy until you both can heal and move on from this situation…

Edit to add: you need to fill in the blanks that were left out about the situation with the couples counselor. If she won’t go nc with this guy, your next call should be an attorney.

makemyweekbetter OP responded:

I just emailed our counselor. Thanks, it's a good idea. I asked if she'd like to read it or if I should just read the posts in session. But yeah, for sure, great thank you.

zanne54 wrote:

To me “not allowed” sounds like something a child would say, sulkily. It really sounds like your wife likes the attention he’s giving her and might be lying to you about her true feelings. This is something you should definitely address in therapy.

IMHO it would not be unreasonable to insist your wife cut off this “friendship." He’s a snake, and she is encouraging him by not setting appropriate boundaries as a married woman.

makemyweekbetter OP responded:

One person said the text seemed normal, seems like everyone else agrees with your reading. I'm inclined to agree, it's wildly suspicious. the context, the lol. makes me see red honestly if I think about it too much. If it really were that level of disrespect. i can't tolerate that.

I emailed our therapist about addressing what we missed in our last session, and how to address it. I'll probably share this post with her or read it at the next session? or some truncated version of it. Thanks though, appreciate your input.

MaggieMoo86 wrote:

I'm so sorry, but I just don't believe her. When I was trying to piece together things from my husband's affair, I'd poke and prod and ask questions about things and I'd accept the answers. Many of them just didn't make sense or just didn't quick work. But I accepted them.

Then, later, as we recovered and days/weeks and sometimes even years later I would ask those questions again. At that point, he would sometimes give me a different answer and often ask "did I tell you something else back then?" Yes, he told me lies. Or partial truths. He was then finally able to be honest and when he was I could almost physically feel a *click* within me.

I could tell when it was finally the truth. Things that don't seem right, are probably lies. I'm long out from my husband's affair and we worked really hard for a really long time to be where we are. We are happy and content. But I could never in good conscience recommend reconciling simply because it is really nightmarish.

At a minimum, she needs to cut contact with this guy. I recommend the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It has a bit of antiquated advice, but for recovering from the "he is my friend!" BS, it can be super helpful.

I also recommend some specific affair sites, like Surviving Infidelity, because there are some pretty firm rules when trying to dig out the truth. If it were me? I'd read those journals. If you don't want to go there, I get it. But for the purpose of knowing the truth? I'd do it and deal with the pain and fallout later.

makemyweekbetter OP responded:

This is exactly what I want. exactly. Just be honest with me. I can tell and I hate having to pry it out of her, even if she is contrite after. I think I messed up twice when I stopped reading the journal and stopped reading the texts.

I still don't know what their text that night where, or if they exist or where. 100% I will see what they were texting about that night. Her journal, maybe I'll ask her to reveal anything about him in there to me.

Anything else, I don't want to see, I get why keeping a journal is private and important. probably ask the therapist about this one, it's has a lot of factors to it and I don't journal precisely because I think my inner thoughts aren't great, so... I don't know. I'm sorry to hear about your partner. That's awful. Your ability to reconcile is worthy of respect.

I'm willing to try, but only if that little click you felt happens to me when she finally decides to be vulnerable with me and tell me the truthswithout omissions and act as a partner. I feel my life is this a Nietschze eternal recurrence nightmare. There was a storm tonight in our area as she drove to work and I was terrified something that something might happen. Obviously nothing did.

Anyway, thanks for your words, some of the most helpful. I don't know what words she'd have to say to make me feel she was being honest. But I know what her face will look like when she says it.

HelloJuneBug wrote:

All I can say is if I found out a guy was into me and actively trying to hang out, and I was married, I would just cut contact other than professionally at work only. She seems to continue to fuel this crush he has and it’s gonna lead to her having a crush if it hasn’t already.