'AITA for intentionally getting my SIL's foster daughter removed from her custody?'
My SIL is a bad foster parent and I got one of her kids removed from her custody.
Unlucky-Yam5943 writes:
My SIL (husband's older sister) and her husband (my husband's BIL) are foster parents. From November of last year to February of this year, they had a foster daughter named "Mae." Mae was in foster care because it was deemed unfit and unsafe for Mae to continue living with her biological mom.
Mae is 13. She was removed from her mom at the age of 10 and still has visits with her mom. Mae loves her mom, and this was clear from day one of her moving into SIL's house. SIL and her husband were not understanding of Mae loving her mom. They would actively discourage her from wanting more access to her mom.
Mae was writing letters to her mom, and they read those and asked her why she would give up any stable home to go back to a dangerous life. It was so difficult for Mae, and she reported SIL and her husband to the case worker, but the case worker didn't trust what Mae was saying.
SIL and her husband would say these things around my husband, myself and their extended family. I am also a former foster child and I 10000% understand Mae. So I attempted to explain to SIL and her husband that they were not helping Mae by disparaging her mom and that many foster kids love and miss their parents.
SIL told me it was none of my business and that they did not want me to interfere again. Mae heard me speak to them, and she opened up about how unhappy she was with my SIL and her husband and how frequently their disparaging comments about her mom or discouragement of her loving her mom happened. She was feeling so desperate and said they didn't get it.
My husband told SIL she should be more open to hearing my experiences as a foster child, but she told him I was not Mae, and she did not want her kids loving awful parents.
My husband and I spoke about what happened, and he encouraged me to reach out to the case worker and explain what was happening. This led to Mae being removed from SIL and her husband's care. SIL knew it had been me/us immediately.
My husband attempted to take all the blame, but SIL said she knew it was me. She told me I had taken away Mae's stability again and how dare I interfere when I was told to stay out of it. The rest of my husband's family said we should have kept out of it and it really wasn't any of our business.
My husband told them it was wrong what his sister and her husband were doing to Mae. But they all believe I was too close to the situation to understand that it was not my place. AITA?
Here are the top comments from the post:
Rezolution20 says:
NTA at all! You did the right thing and stepped up for Mae, and then the system quickly pulled her out of their care, and I must say, kudos to the system for that! There are way too many foster families that think that they're there to save the children, rather than to give them a temporary home until the bio parent gets their life together.
I'm also curious as to how many children your in laws foster, because there's a LOT of money given by the state for foster children. Maybe it was more of a cash grab than actual concern for Mae's wellbeing.
I should also add that if they do still have foster children in their care, I really hope the state interviews each child to see if they're playing this mind game with them as well.
Makri93 says:
NTA. You had a concern which was confirmed by the child directly after you voiced the concern to your SIL. Instead of doing something rash you contacted the correct instance and told them of your worry which you should.
They are trained in handling these situations, you are not. They handled the situation and deemed it mecessary to remove Mae from your SIL’s care. Not your fault, not your problem, not your responsibility.
See it from the flipside; had something happened, for example: had Mae ran from home to see her mother due to not handling her foster parents’ disparaging comments anymore, and gotten hurt. What then?
You would have beat yourself up for not having flagged this to the responsible case handler earlier. You did the right thing, based on the right assumptions. The case handler took it from there.
mifflewhat says:
NTA. It wasn't "their child" and they didn't have the right to decide how a 13 year old girl "ought" to feel.
TheMightyKoosh says:
NTA. And if what they were doing wasn't wrong then the social worker wouldn't have removed Mae. I'm glad someone looked out for Mae and her emotional/mental wellbeing.
What do you think? Should OP have talked to the case worker?