'I think I'm on my sister's ex boyfriend's side in their break up. What do I do?' UPDATED 3X

"I think I'm on my sister's ex boyfriend's side in their break up."

So I 26F have a little sister 24F who has been dating her boyfriend 25M since they were both 17. They were high school sweethearts who did long distance during college and all that. There were a few times my sister came to me thinking she might break up with her boyfriend. She always decided to stay with him.

I love my sister's now ex-boyfriend like a brother. I mean he's been a pretty major part of our life for 7 years and he's always been kind, protective, and supportive with my sister. Aside from some mental health issues of his own, he's been a great partner to her. Same with her. They're best friends. Truly the same people, same humor, same hobbies and interests, same morals and values, etc.

My sister and her ex sat my partner and I down to chat a few days ago and told us they were broken up. My sister did ALL of the talking. I kept looking at her ex and he looked devastated but didn't add much at all. My sister said that since he's been her only partner she feels like she's missed out on other opportunities to try other relationships.

She is pansexual so she wants to try dating women and non binary folks. She kept saying that maybe her and her ex could find their way back to each other one day. That maybe she just needed to experience other people before she could settle down with him. They are going to continue living together in their shared apartment and they want to continue to hang out with my partner and I as a group of four.

My sister says nothing really will change in their dynamic aside from stopping all romantic gestures and such. They will be roommates and friends, nothing more. My problem with this is that her ex wasn't saying anything. When I asked him he just affirmed they were happy with this decision.

When my sister left to go to the bathroom I asked again and he said he didn't really have a choice, my sister just told him they were done, no further conversation about it. He said he feels like he pushed her to do this because he's been telling her for months to date a woman but while they were still together because he didn't want to lose her.

They had discussed getting engaged soon and what rings she liked many many times over the past two years. He said he felt blindsided but that who was he to stand in her way of exploring her sexuality. I don't like that they are going to continue to live together.

I think my sister grieved this relationship and made this decision on her own over the past few months but it is fresh for him. He still wants to be with her. He's holding onto hope she will come around soon and get back with him. I think she's moved on for good. I don't see how he will be able to get over her while they live together and continue to hang out with their friends like nothing has really changed.

I think my sister needs to let him go. She needs to cut all ties and give him space for a few months. It feels like she wants to have her cake and eat it too kind of thing. Like she's stringing him along as a back up in case she doesn't find whatever she is looking for.

I don't know what to do. I'm torn because it's not my relationship so I shouldn't get involved but I also love and care for both of these people. So much. The ex is going to get more heartbroken I can just see it coming while my sister thrives. It makes me sick. What would you do? What have you done if in a similar situation? Any advice for me, my sister, or her ex?

Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.

EDIT: My sister has never cheated on him. Our father cheated on our mother so my sister is VERY against cheating. She never agreed to date a woman or anyone while still with her ex BECAUSE she viewed it as cheating even with his consent. Now they are broken up so she can't be cheating now. So many of you keep suggesting cheating so thought I would make it clear she is NOT that kind of person.

EDIT: I love my sister and would never abandon her or actually choose a side. I'm just saying I empathize more with her ex than with her right now. I will always be by her side. She's the only family I have right now.

She means everything to me. I'm just upset at her stringing him along. I think she was 100% right to break up with him for the reasons and way she did it. The only issues I have are her continuing to live with him, say they might make their way back together, and trying to have us all hang out like nothing has changed.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

sugarfern230 wrote:

The whole “let’s stay roommates and keep everything the same” thing is honestly a fantasy. It sounds good in theory, but in reality, it’s going to be a mess—especially because her ex didn’t choose this breakup. He needs distance to heal, and she needs to respect that instead of treating him like a built-in emotional safety net.

eternally_feral wrote:

Was the ex encouraging your sister to explore her sexuality as means to open the relationship? To maybe get a throuple thing going down? You read stories all the time on how opening relationships can be the downfall. I say stay out of this messy situation.

The ex is 25. He’s a grown adult who needs to find his voice and if he doesn’t want to be a “roommate” then he needs to make it known. He needs to start living for himself. If he wants to stay in the apartment or refuses to have an adult conversation with your sister about how he sees things moving forward after the ending of their relationship, that’s on him.

SoggySea4363 wrote:

I am on your sister’s ex’s side too. It’s a horrid situation that he is in but I think that he needs to completely cut off all communication with her and move out. He is not doing himself any favours by staying and acting like they can change their relationship dynamic from romantic to platonic. Hopefully, he stops to realise that it will not work out and that he deserves better.

Burner4694 wrote:

You can’t do anything. Just let it be. Feel bad for the guy, but it doesn’t sound like your sister did anything wrong and was pretty transparent about it which is a lot better than letting it bottle up and cheating on him.

That being said, it is kind of sh#$ty if her to try to stay in someone’s life like that after a breakup when you know they are trying to hold on, makes the healing process much longer. But at the end of the day, he’s an adult and can make his own decisions.

I don’t know your relationship with your sister, but honestly I wouldn’t go over my family’s head. If you have a problem with how she’s treating him then take it up with her first instead of going behind her back. Sad to say, but some friends come and go. Family is always going to be involved somehow. I would vote to keep your nose out of their business. That’s their relationship not yours.

Over a week later, OP shared a major update.

Over a week ago I (26) posted about my sister's breakup with her ex. In summary, my sister (24) and her ex (25) sat us down and told us they were breaking up. My sister did all of the talking and explained she wanted to explore relationships with women and non binary people.

She made it seem like she had simply outgrown the relationship and wanted to try other things but they were still going to live together and remain friends. I could tell her ex was devastated by this and felt like she was stringing him along based on some comments she had been making.

So I felt bad for him and felt like my sister was kinda doing him dirty. Now for the update. I hung out with my sister a few days ago and she told me why they really broke up. She found a picture of someone on his phone in a locked folder. The picture was of someone we both know but wasn't inherently sexual. She refused to say who it was.

My sister and her ex have had five fights similar to this over the span of their 7 year relationship. He never changed or worked on it despite promises to do so every time. I've told my sister in the past to break up with him over this but she said it wasn't worth throwing the whole relationship away over one bad habit. Aside from his p0rn and s#@ addiction he was a really great partner.

When my sister found this picture on his phone it truly was the last straw. They argued about it and broke up. This is vastly different from the story they told me where they had mutually agreed to split because they were better as friends and so my sister could explore her sexuality. This context changed everything.

I asked why my sister felt the need to lie about the reason for the breakup and she said she just didn't want me and my fiance to hate her ex. I kept asking her who the photo was and she wouldn't budge. She also told me her ex downloaded Hinge a few days after their breakup which I guess is fine but a little weird he moved on so fast after 7 years. Later that day her ex messaged me to clear his name.

He was upset my sister told me he downloaded Hinge. He sent multiple mass texts about how it was a stupid mistake and it didn't mean anything and then he confessed to hurting my sister as the reason for their breakup. I asked him who the picture was of. He acted confused so I asked again and he said "oh now I remember" and told me it was ME.

My sister's ex had a photo of me in a saved locked folder. It was the only photo in that folder. He swears up and down it was an accident and he doesn't know how it ended up there. He said his phone will just do random things like that. I checked and you have to hit four buttons and scroll to move pictures into those types of folders.

I don't see how it could be accidental. He took the picture of me when I was over at their apartment once. I'm fully clothed in long sleeves and long pants but I'm laying on my side next to their cat. The photo kind of shows my butt (fully covered just the pants are tight in that area) but it's NOT an attractive angle at all so I don't really see how it could get someone off?

Should I be weirded out? He swears it was an accident, my sister is convinced it's intentional. My sister also told me he's said odd comments about my beauty and my body before that have always put her off but it was nothing obvious enough to warrant a conversation?

Not sure what that means tbh. My sister doesn't trust anything he's saying anymore but still says I shouldn't cut him out of my life? I'm getting so confused. What would you do??? He's also the best man in my wedding and my sister is the maid of honor.

The internet did not hold back.

SalesTaxBlackCat wrote:

If I found my sister’s pic in a locked folder on my bf’s computer, that would be the end of the relationship. Aside from that, he’s a liar. He accidentally put the pic in the folder then mistakenly downloaded Hinge? GTFO. Doesn’t it bother you that he’s masturbating to your pic, otherwise why would he have it?

yeahsothathappen wrote:

Yikes, I would definitely stay away from him.

Schmebulocksmistress wrote:

I don’t understand your sister’s motivation in saving this man. If I were you, 1) he would no longer be a part of the wedding. 2) He must delete the photo of you and let your sister confirm by looking at his hidden folders (or you if you don’t trust your sister but idk why she’d want him to keep it).

It seems your sister will push you not to cut this guy out of your life, but I would definitely be taking a significant step back. Oh also block him on socials/make your profiles private so he can’t go and save more photos of you!

Amazing_Cabinet1404 wrote:

I want to go back to a time where I don’t envision her ex desperately wanking it to a fully clothed non provocative photo of you and I don’t even know any of you….so I can’t even imagine how you feel.

His desperation in the text and follow up seems to me like it very much was not an accidental download AND that he cares far too much that you in particular might think he’s nasty for getting on Hinge straight away. I’d definitely fade out of contact either way him for your safety.