'I think my BF is lying to me and is gay with his best friend. We're set to get married. AITA?' UPDATED 4X
"I (25f) think my (33m) boyfriend is lying to me and is gay with his best friend. We are set to get married soon. AITA?"
We have been together for 3 years. We have a great intimate life, he tells me he loves me, he wants kids, and he tells me it’s just a joke and they do this because “it’s funny”… His best friend, we’ll call him Tyler for the sake of this post, and him talk s-xual to each other all the time.
I’ve seen over his shoulder texts saying things like “imma pound your a-- so hard it’s gonna hurt to walk days after” and I have seen photos of BOTH OF THEM sending pictures of their d--ks. I was snooping last night…(I know I know I shouldn’t do that).
BUT…Tyler, sent my fiancé a photo of his b*ner a couple days ago and my fiancé said “nice dick bro” and things like “too bad I’m not g@y or I’d suck that h-g” like it almost seems like they are joking but sending actual pictures of their dicks???? Like multiple times and both of them hard??
Talking like this pretty regularly??? Ummmm AITA, please help we are set to get married soon and I’m worried he is cheating on me with Tyler.
EDIT: I don’t have a problem with him being gay. I have a problem with him CHEATING on me.
Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.
Update: I’m going to play it cool for a couple days and just keep an eye on their behavior. Tyler is coming over to hang out this coming Tuesday afternoon and I might say something to gauge their reactions. Not sure what yet but something to see if they look at each-other weird or something idk. I’ll update later when I know my plan. I hope this turns out all to be just some big joke between them.
The commenters had a lot to say in response.
Whyme0207 wrote:
Joking is different but sending pictures is way too out of line for straight people.
OP responded:
That was my thought. Right away I just took it as guys being guys I hear them talk like this all the time but full on d-picks I was like ummmm OK, now this is crossing a line and I’m wondering if the talk is more than jokes.
Big_Bread2874 wrote:
Get tested.
OP responded:
This had crossed my mind.
RebellionBlades wrote:
From how their texts are worded, it kind of sounds as though nothing has happened between them, but both would secretly want it to? And they're just testing waters? Idk, either way, I would definitely attempt a completely honest discussion with him about this.
OP responded:
Maybe one of them wants it? Both of them want it? Idk ughhhhh it’s so strange.
tool672 wrote:
Yea no, this is not normal. But I’m a “if the shoe was on the other foot” person and would ask him what he’d say if you were sending pictures of yourself spread eagle - full v-ginal shots to your best girl friend and then sending texts about how you can’t wait to eat them out…
That s--t wouldn’t fly and no way would he be comfortable with that. Set a boundary and tell him I don’t care if YOU feel comfortable enough for this, I’m telling you I’M NOT. I don’t want my husband/fiancé getting or sending pictures of other people’s genitals, full stop; end of story.
Magenta-Magica wrote:
My ex dates men now, and had a friend like that. Do with that what you will.
Four days later, OP shared another update.
Wow. I’ll start with that. I didn’t say anything when they were together… I was full of anxiety and all in my head and I just couldn’t do it. I brought it up this morning before he left for work. I said something to the nature of “I looked at your phone and I would love to know why you two are s-xting with each other…I’m not comfortable with it and we need to talk about this. Are you gay ooorrrr?”
He literally burst out laughing as I’m tearing up asking this. He says this is all a big joke. He says that this whole thing started because they were making fun of h-mophobes and people who are insecure with their s-xuality and it went from jokes to full on d-ck pics.
He said they talk about how it’s so funny that seeing a d-ck makes you gay or people find it gross when in fact it’s no different than a picture of an ear or hand.
It's a big inside joke because “straight men are not supposed to act like this and people who think that makes you gay or weird are just insecure and childish” he says that it started with just sending pictures of d--ks from the internet and eventually led to them sending their own because of the shock value.
I literally DO NOT know what to think about this. I told him to stop it now and he said he would respect that and not do it anymore but also said I need to chill and doesn’t like that I looked at his phone…ugh. I did see him start talking on his phone as he was leaving the driveway probably b-ching about me…
The internet had a lot to say in response.
platano80 wrote:
Imagine having to explain to your friends and family that your girl left you because you and your friends could not stop sending each other d-ck pics....wild times.
SpiritualAbalone8859 wrote:
Yeah, I have joked a lot with my male friends but we never s-xted each other with pics like that.
MicGuinea wrote:
So I'm an openly gay man. I have tons of straight bros who are not only very supportive, but we all act blatantly gay towards each other. My best friend of 24 years calls himself my husband in an overly gay voice, I say "damn right baby" and slap his a-s, and we laugh like dumba-s 14 y/o.
I have never seen any of their dicks on purpose, maybe the accidental 2sec glance out the corner of my eye at a urinal that has no barriers, but I have no clue what my bois boys look like! The only people I have sent a pic of my Nathan's Cooney Island frank to have been s--ual interests.
Days later, OP shared a post from her fiance explaining his side of things.
I sent this to my soon to be wife to post for me. We had a heartfelt and serious discussion about what she’s been thinking and then she told me about her posts. I will be honest, I have shared these with “Tyler” and we find this all super hilarious, as well as my fiancé now that she understands.
All three of us hung out a few days ago and talked about it and we shared a good laugh. Conclusion: our sense of humors are much more developed than your average online commenter.
A lot of people said gay humor between straight men is normal, but snapchatting a picture of your hard cock when they’re not expecting it is too far and not funny? Gtfo. People on these posts are the ones making it weird, not us, we just find it hilarious cause its unexpected and shocking and people’s reactions when we tell them we do this, like all of yours, is funny as f to us.
This is not a secret among our group of guy friends and a handful of other dudes have seen our d--ks besides just us two. After my conversation with my fiancé and Tyler, we agreed we wouldn’t behave like this anymore if it made her uncomfortable. There’s nothing wrong with being gay and if either of us was gay, we wouldn’t have a problem with that or keep it a secret.
It’s not our fault we’ve unlocked peak humor and y’all are projecting your insecurities onto the situation. We live in a pretty homophobic world and I’m sure a lot of the men in these threads got b-llied and called gay when they were in school growing up, your fear of people thinking you’re gay is not my problem or has anything to do with my life.
It’s perfectly okay if you wouldn’t send a photo of yourself to one of your friends, but if my bud Tyler wants to hit one of our bros with a pic randomly every six months when they’re least expecting it and everyone involved just finds it funny, then who gives a f.
It’s not his fault you have a weak sense of humor. If you see a p--is and think of it as inherently sexual, that says more about you than it does us, buddy. To answer a lot of people’s questions, no I would not care if my fiancé sent a picture of her privates to one of her girlfriends as a joke. Literally wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.
If it bothers you, that’s you. I also saw a woman in one of the threads who said she divorced her husband cause he wanted to get p-gged because that’s gay lol so obviously the understanding of s--uality in this community is limited. A man and a woman engaging in an intimate act is not gay in any capacity.
Homos-xuality is when two men engage in sexual or romantic behavior, that’s it.
Do people send these pics in a s-xual capacity? Obviously. Sometimes it’s just funny, get over it. Sorry you’re insecure about people seeing your d-ck. It’s just a p-nis. It’s not going to hurt you.
This is a very weird, backwards Puritan society we live in. After speaking about it with my fiancé and Tyler together, she understands it’s just a big joke to us even though it’s not her particular sense of humor. She said she doesn’t know if she’s okay with it, so we agreed we won’t act like that anymore. Boom. Problem solved.
She’s my soulmate and I love her very much, everyone telling her to runaway or break up with me is an idiot projecting their own sh-ty relationship experiences onto to us. Maybe learn to give advice objectively instead of projecting next time.
You don’t know us. You don’t know the dynamics of my relationship or of my friendships.
I appreciate everyone who actually tried to offer her thoughtful, compassionate advice that led to us communicating about this so we could move past it.
For the men messaging her on here and “flirting” I would like to say you took advantage of her during an emotional time and she told me about how she played into this and will not do it again. I don’t have an account, but my wife will show me this post later tonight and then we are moving on from all this BS. Goodbye.
One commenter asked OP a very salient question in response.
EmbracingChange314 wrote:
OP, why did you decide to post this passive aggressive novel from your fiancé? NGL someone sounds guilty AF and is going so far to manipulate your reality—and attempt to convince us too. Wild.
We’ll wait for another update in 5 years or so when he comes out gay and you’re getting a divorce. From “Puritan society” 👋🏼.
OP responded:
He was mad about all the comments calling him gay. He wanted to get his side of the story….Idk I was thinking about not posting it and just saying I did but I know he will want to see it :s
A few days later, OP shared another update (this time, from herself).
I (25f) accused my fiancé (33m) of something recently (being gay with his best friend, it’s a long story but I’m not getting into it) and I agree with him I was totally over reacting and the last few days now things have been so amazing.
The intimacy…the princess treatment…the constant attention. I hope things stay like this and I’ll be such a happy girl. Am I childish to think it’s going to stay like this forever now? He is like 10 times more into me right now than he seemed before.
The internet had their opinions.
CapoOn2nd wrote:
This whole situation REEKS of manipulation. He’s trying way too hard to defend it. Not going to lie I’ve seen my best mates dicks (we travel a lot and camp often) and my mates have been known to send a Snapchat with a “sneaky ball” or subtle foreskin showing but a full on erection is way to far.
That’s what pushes it from jokes to s-xual.
Sounds like you’ve caught him red-handed and now he’s trying super hard to keep you happy because he’s embarrassed and worried.
Edit: To add to the point where is the line he draws “yeah, I’ve touched his d--k but we just find it funny, touching your mates dick doesn’t make you gay, we’re just taking the piss out of hom-phobes."
Accomplished_Bath379 wrote:
Girl. I found this post through an upvote notification from your last post. Message me if you need help. This is usually known as the “love bombing” stage of the a--se cycle. His emotional manipulation of you and forcing you to post your last post is setting off red flags.
OP responded:
I wouldn’t say he is manipulating me what do you mean by that?
Accomplished_Bath379 responded:
Web MD: Love bombing is an emotional manipulation technique that involves giving someone excessive compliments, attention, or affection to eventually control them. Cleveland clinic: examples of lovebombing.
Excessive flattery and praise. Over-communication of their feelings for you. Showering you with unneeded/unwanted gifts. Early and intense talks about your future together.
Pure_Expression6308 wrote:
Just know that this won’t last. You’ll get princess treatment as long as you “act right”. It’s a control tactic because princess treatment feels so good, you want it to keep happening. Try stepping a toe out of line and see what happens. You get nothing unless you apologize and act right.
It’s a good thing you’re posting because this type of manipulation can be hard to see when you’re in it. The more he does it, the more confusing it becomes because now he can be a d--k and you’ll stay, because of how “good” it once was. You’ll keep trying to get back to this happiness but it’s not real!