"AITA? I think my boyfriend is cheating."
I’ll start with a key of the fake names: Me - Kayla (or K) Boyfriend - Jake (or J) Jake’s boss - Tony (or T) Tony’s sister - Louise (or L). Me (27F) and Jake (34M) have been together since Aug 2023.
He’s got quite a niche job but he doesn’t use Reddit, he’s a dog handler and works nights. Since last month (September) he’s told me Tony’s sister Louise has been calling and texting him when he’s working nights.
Didn’t think anything of it side Louise runs a company that Louise and Tony’s father owns and Jake gets work of that company sometimes (both company’s offer same/similar work so that’s why Jake’s able to work for both but Tony’s company is Jake’s main work).
The nature of the conversation I thought was work related until Jake told me that it’s been her flirting with him. And allegedly he’s been turning her away and saying she’s only like that because she’s unhappy in her marriage.
Anyway, few days ago Jake handed me his work phone and asked me to do some of his work while he finishes off a few bits before leaving the house. I take his phone off him and start doing some of his work and soon as he hands me the phone I felt off, gut feeling, so I looked at messages between Jake and Louise and see he’s labelled me as “crazy".
Louise said “after I did what I did I felt you distance yourself”, he said to her “I don’t know what she’s seen I cleared the chat” and whole other bunch an her telling him what to say if I confront him and stuff.
Yes I was wrong for looking but I had a gut feeling, crippling one at that. I haven’t confronted Jake. I haven’t confronted anyone. To me, it sounds like cheating. I’ve decided to put money away and save up for a rented place of my own and move silently.
Only issue is I moved countries for him. I have NO family. I mean NO family. He IS my only family and his father. Only thing is if I move out, it’s going to be hard, I work full time, I’m a full time law student, I’m also unwell at the moment with a tumour in my kidney. 🫠
I’m trying to act normal and behave normally but I can’t. I also wouldn’t have looked if he hadn’t of said anything to me because there’s no indication of anything. When my neighbour called him to say she’s rang an ambulance for me because I was unwell, he told his boss Tony and drove straight to me in hospital and stayed with me.
He helped me to the bathroom, he made sure I got pain relief and anti sickness, he tied my hair up for me, he got me dressed, the lot. AITA for looking on his work phone? AITA if I move out without saying anything? I hope this makes sense - happy to clear anything up in comments or will update this post if I’ve forgotten anything.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
OP, you've made perfect sense & your situation is awful. Its very smart of you to start squirreling away money so you to be able to get out & get your own place...moving in the shadows as Charlotte would say. :) Very smart! Its very hard to carry on when you have your suspicions, but when they have been confirmed, its a tough load to shoulder...
Honestly, I wouldn't worry if you're an AH or not, b/c in the end, he's a rotten boyfriend & she's just a terrible individual & they deserve one another, & YOU deserve peace.
But to answer your question, no you are not the AH for looking at his phone, any normal person would have done it if there were off feelings about things going on behind your back...you're most definitely not the AH if you move out w/o saying anything...less drama the better, especially since you're dealing with health issues at the moment as well.
You need to take care of yourself in every way possible - let him stew on it & rot in his own dwellings. I wish you lots of luck, & better beginnings OP - take care of yourself!! <3
NTA in either case. He sounds like he’s got some good qualities, but he’s cheating on you and betraying you in other ways in how he speaks about you to others. You need to get out and start fresh.
Once you have some distance, you can choose whether or not to discuss the reasons for your departure with Jake, but that’s up to you. You’ve been dating for two years, but given his betrayals, he’s not really owed closure or a chance to defend himself.
He’s putting your health at risk. Get tested and look for a different place to live. He’s an AH.