'I think my wife's best friend is developing feelings for me and my wife doesn't believe me.' UPDATED 2X

"I think my wife's best friend is developing feelings for me and my wife doesn't want to believe me because it's her best friend."

Okay, yes I'm aware I'm going to sound arrogant and like a narcissist, get over it. My wife and I have known each other in total 20ish years, we have dated for 9, married for 5. She has known her best friend (D) since end of high-school/early college.

They are like sisters. D has horrible luck with guys, ab#sive relationships, toxic relationships, she's had it all and some. I know this because she vents about it to my wife and me all the time.

Recently she just got through a particular rough relationship, which she decided she was no longer going to date and just be single for a while. She began making comments to my wife about how lucky she is that she has me and it must make her feel so good to have a supporting, caring, loving man in her life too take care of her. This is when her changed behavior began.

She has been very clingy to me (she never was before) when she comes over (head on my shoulder, sitting on my lap) she tells me all the time that I make her feel safe and comfortable, she always asks how my day is going and if I'm happy to see her, or how I think her body looks in her outfit, (which she kinda did before but now she draws attention to her feminine areas.)

A joke was made (by my wife) about D being my second wife to do all the stuff my wife doesn't feel like doing. D jumped onto this and now refers too often enough as" second wife", my wife thinks it's funny and it was until D sent me a picture of a ring she wanted "because even your second wife needs a ring."

I have brought all this up to my wife because I don't want to keep her in the dark about anything. And she just says things like "ehh that's just her" or "she doesn't mean anything by it". My fear is that D is getting what she's never gotten from any of her past relationships (comfort? validation? Safety? ) and that she will become attached to this sort of fantasy.

I don't want my wife too think I'm doing anything behind her back. But as I have stated she just brushes it all off. Am I just being too "observant" or is there something there my wife isn't seeing? Thoughts?

The internet did not hold back.

SoCal_Sunshine10 wrote:

Just have 2 wives. Problem solved. Lol.

momolafofo wrote:

As a female with a lot of guy friends - there is a huge difference in confiding with someone and then sitting in someone’s lap. That to me, seems like there’s more to it. I'd chat with your wife and see where she stands with it.

OP responded:

She brushes it all off I have brought up EVERYTHING that has happened, left nothing out.

momolafofo wrote:

You’re also allowed to have boundaries. Just because she’s okay with it and even if your wife is, doesn’t mean you are. And that deserves to be respected. I find it odd she doesn’t see anything weird about it…females are hyper aware of what they’re doing.

OP responded:

Are you suggesting that my wife may see something there and not care?

Two days later, OP shared an update.

Thank you for everyone's input/advice on my situation. On that note there are some questions I keep seeing so I will answer some below:

Sitting in my lap: This has only happened twice. Both instances were at parties where there was no seating left where I was sitting, I actually offered her my seat which she said thanks and sat on my lap. Yes both times were in front of my wife and she thought it was funny so rather then make a scene by kicking her off I waiting till an opportunity came (needed more food/drink, bathroom etc.)

Is she hot/am I attracted to her?: By society standards she would be very attractive, by society standards my wife would not be as attractive. THAT BEING SAID , my wife is exactly what I want in a women (just speaking physically atm) my wife is short, very pale skin, long curly brown hair, and not skinny because of the children we have had together.

I love my wife the way she is and we are working together to help her lose the babyfat she wants to lose. D on the other hand is taller then me I'm 5'10, tan skin, straight dirty blonde hair, and skinny. Again attractive, just not what I'm into. Okay now for the update: Talked to my wife about everything going on and my concerns about it, using some points people brought up in comments.

Turns out my wife IS aware of the situation and is actually partially behind it. Apparently she brought up the idea of "using me" to show her best friend what to look for in a guy was a good idea, but has gone a little farther then she thought it would. Forgive her she had good intentions. So we are both going to sit down with D and talk about everything next time she comes over.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

CieloCobalt wrote:

Man, BOTH of those women have major red flags.

Lack of consent didn’t bother your wife. And the friend doesn’t give a s#$t about ethical boundaries. A mine field if I’ve ever seen one.

Straight-Example9126 wrote:

Talk to D together and try to fix the situation. But no matter what, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT OPEN your marriage to include D. I know that you and your wife love each other deeply. But seeing how clingy D is becoming, as a last ditch effort, she'll either try to cause misunderstanding between you both or drop open marriage suggestions. Please handle this situation carefully.

gligster71 wrote:

I think you all should just get naked and trust each other.

bingbong6977 wrote:

Your wife is the weird one here.

Two days later, OP shared another update.

Firstly, thank you everyone for your good advice. This will be the last update to this crazy series of events. Now let's get to what your all waiting for the update. D came over, we all sat down at the table, the kids are at their aunts for the night. I stated that I wanted everything to come out, all the cards on the table. I want to know everything. So this is what went down:

D has always had awful luck with men. She vents to me and my wife about it all the time. During a conversation when I wasn't present D had said something along the lines of "wishing she could find a man like yours, because she will never know what it feels like to be genuinely wanted and appreciated.

My wife made a bad decision and in trying to comfort her friend suggested treating me more like a bf then just a good friend, nothing physical just the support and comfort and validation for a little to get an idea of what to look for in a man. D said she was fine with that but when she started to get it from me she wanted more and more and started to cross boundaries to get it (the lapsitting, that kinda stuff).

I asked my wife about it and she said it caught her by surprise but didn't exactly make her uncomfortable with her friend, it was actually the mentioning of D wanting a ring that she finally started to see that this was getting out of control. Wife said she realized she messed up but didn't want to say anything to me about it.

I explained to both of them very thoroughly about how ridiculous this entire thing is, how there are better ways we all could have helped, how this could have destroyed friendships and marriages. They should have come to me and we all could have figured out ways to help each other together. There were apologies from both parties.

D is still our friend and she will be comming over in a few days for us to discuss how she can potentially work on herself and things to look for in men she has an interest in dating. My wife is very sorry to D and me about the entire thing. So in the end, my wife made a mistake that she is remorseful for, learned from and will come out better for it. D will have help working on herself, and working towards a healthier future.

And then there's me....tired and I want a beer lol. Thank you again everyone for your good words and advises. I'm sorry if this isn't the outcome you hoped/thought/predicted but life is unpredictable and I'm glad this is over. Oh and there will be no threesome🤣.

The comments kept coming.

techaaron wrote:

"Oh and there will be no threesome."

Not with that attitude there won't.

Gegopinh wrote:

Many are saying he fumbled the 3-way. Honestly, I think OP is a solid dude and he handled it awesomely. Not everything on the internet is a plot of a porno

ChloeBee95 wrote:

Sorry but your wife owes you a lot more than an apology 😬. If the genders were reversed in this, so many people would be telling you to call the police and get a divorce lawyer etc because it would’ve been a wife who’d been harassed and physically m*lested by her husband’s friend despite her clearly not wanting him to do it.

But because your wife and her friend are women, nobody is pointing out how serious this is to you. And in that scenario everyone would be questioning why the husband would want to be friends with a man who s*xually harasses his mates wives.

But again nobody’s saying this to you, and you seem to think it’s ok for your wife to continue her friendship with this woman and frankly it isn’t. Your wife not only allowed, but ENCOURAGED, someone to sexually harass and molest you. Unwanted physical contact? Yup. Sitting on your lap, leaning on your shoulder, feeling you up.

Unwanted text messages? Yup. Texting pictures of rings n shit! Unwanted comments? Yup. “Wish I had a man like you”, and I assume the feminine areas mentioned were her tits and ass so I assume the questions she was asking were along the lines of “does this show too much cleavage” and “does this make my ass look good” and “how big do my boobs look in this top” etc.

Also no SANE person would agree to treat someone, never mind their friend’s spouse, like a partner in any sense. Much less without discussing it with said spouse first! But because they’re women they think it’s harmless and “no harm, no foul”. This wasn’t a mistake, or an error in judgement. NOBODY is this stupid.

Mrs239 wrote:

No way in hell am I offering up my man as some pacifier to another woman! What was the wife thinking!!