'I am thinking of stepping down as MOH. Her fiancé is making it unbearable.' MAJOR UPDATE

"Thinking of stepping down as MOH - her fiancé is making it unbearable."

A former colleague, who l'm friendly with but not super close to, asked me to be one of her two Maids of Honor. We've only met around 20 times in 2.5 years, so I was surprised but flattered and saw it as a chance to grow our friendship. Since then, she's started calling me her best friend, which feels premature and not mutual.

I've met her fiancé a few times and frankly, we don't get along. He gossips, comes off insecure, and has been rude to me and others. He also micromanages everything.

As MOHs, we're organizing three events: a bachelorette. The civil wedding will follow this year, and the religious one in 2026.

The bride initially said she wanted a low-key bachelorette focused on quality time. We kept that in mind. Then her fiancé began making specific demands: private bed/bath for the bride, enough breaks between activities, etc. We adjusted our plans accordingly. Now, two weeks out from the bachelorette, he demanded our full itinerary, said it wasn't good enough, and told us to start over.

He aggressively messaged the other MOH, said we were "denying the bride the weekend she deserves," and insulted one of the girls in the group, calling her a "dumb b*tch." When we explained we were keeping costs reasonable (at the bride’s request), he dismissed our concerns, saying other’s financial situations weren’t his problem.

Bear in mind this man is not working, not earning a living, not paying for anything and especially not their wedding. The irony! We reminded him that both MOH were chosen to plan this and he should trust us. He refused, implying that we’re failing as her “best friends”.

I am not excluding the possibility of him doing this and the bride giving him hints or instructions in the background because she is not comfortable with confrontation or saying her mind.

I’m burned out. I don’t even know why I was chosen in the first place.

I want to support the bride, but I can’t tolerate this level of disrespect, neither do I want to help plan another 2 bridal events in such a tense atmosphere. My plan is to follow through with the bachelorette, then tell the bride I’m stepping down as MOH. Ideally, I would be uninvited to the wedding but that will be up to her. Anyone has suggestions on how to approach the situation?

TL;DR: I was unexpectedly asked to be a MOH by a not-so-close friend. Her fiancé is controlling, aggressive, and has disrespected the bridal party. I’m planning to step down after the bachelorette to protect my peace.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Newauntie26 wrote:

Step down as it makes no sense that a casual friend like you were made MOH. She could’ve invited you as an ordinary bridesmaid but that still doesn’t make a ton of sense. People think it’s such an honor but you’re unpaid labor to make sure someone else enjoys “their special day.” I think you are showing great restraint by not quitting prior to the bachelorette but I agree that if you did quit before it’d ruin the event.

OP responded:

We used to work together. I think she made me MOH because she knows I get s#$t done and well. Someone else in the comments said that she is using me and that starts to resonate…

emr830 wrote:

I don’t mean this badly about you at all, but it’s telling that she asked someone that she doesn’t know that well to be her bridesmaid. I’m wondering if other people said no or dropped out already because of him. I hope she wises up before she marries him 😔.

I’d say that it’s no longer doable for you to be a bridesmaid but you’ll come as a guest if she’ll have you. Give specifics about what he is doing that caused you to come to this decision, and let her know you’re here for her if she needs anything.

OP responded:

Agreed, it’ll be important to be factual as to my decision and still offer my presence. Tbf after all this I’m not keen on being in his vicinity and would rather not attend the wedding at all but that will be their call whether or not they decide to keep me as a guest.

ocpms1 wrote:

What other events are you supposed the plan? The bride and groom are supposed to plan their own events, except bach parties and bridal shower if there is one.

OP responded:

The bride expects our support in planning both the civil and religious weddings (dealing with location, sourcing and coordinating vendors, setting up and taking down decor, organizing surprises for guests…)

Princapessa wrote:

TBH I would screenshot the messages of the groom cursing at you and the other MOH, send them to the bride and tell her you are stepping down and not even wait til the bach, unless you’ve already sunk money into it then I understand waiting

OP responded:

The money I’ve already put into it is not worth my peace. Also, he is coming along and I can’t stomach a multiple hour train ride with him!

MicroBunneh wrote:

What do you mean he's coming to the bachelorette party? Like, are they have a dual bachelor/bachelorette, or is he just coming?!

OP responded:

The groom is taking advantage of the situation to visit a friend in the city we’re going to. We are travelling together but staying in different accommodations. I don’t put it past him to randomly join the bach unannounced though.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

First, thanks all for your feedback which comforted me and gave me the confidence I needed to step down ASAP. The morning after posting, I messaged the groom asking him to take a step back as he’s made me and the other MOH feel uncomfortable.

Things escalated, he was being very defensive, listing everything he said/did pointing to me being in the wrong instead a finding a way forward and eventually apologized for making me feel uncomfortable. I did not respond to his apology. In parallel, I messaged the bride and we agreed to meet the next day.

In the meantime, the groom must have brought it up to the bride as she texted me letting me know she heard things became tense and that “we don’t all hate each other now 😝”. I replied that this is the reason I need to talk to her.

The bride and I met up yesterday evening. I told her that I was flattered to have been chosen as MOH, but in hindsight I should not have accepted. I explained that the situation blew out of proportions, and her fiancé crossed a line. He exhibited controlling behaviour, and was down right disrespectful.

I shared that I can’t be in a bridal party if I’m not being treated with respect and if I don’t morally support the relationship. I told her that this is not a breakup per se, I still want to be friends with her, but she deserves a MOH who can fully be there for the two of them. I also mentioned that the ball is now in her court as to how our friendship moves forward and if she still wants me there at the wedding.

Her reaction was so underwhelming. She was smiling through and saying it’s ok. She said that her fiancé talked to her about the situation, mentioning that things escalated. According to her, he was pretty shaken up (no shit, I bet he forgot to mention he instigated all of it).

I’m not sure if I expected her to take accountability for her fiancé’s actions, but she did not apologize for what he said. Nothing.

She seemed so unphased when I said he disrespected me: she did not ask about the things that were said, did not mention she would speak with him either.

This speaks volumes to me; I wouldn’t want my friends to feel disrespected by anyone let alone my spouse. She said she understood my decision and she sort of expected it because she has never been in one bachelorette party that didn’t end up in drama (??).

In terms of logistics, she had it all figured out - she asked me not to cancel any hotel room because her fiancé will officially be joining the bachelorette party anyway (he was initially supposed to travel with us but stay in a different accommodation with a friend).

Because of the heated situation, she opened up and said she doesn’t expect the other MOH to even attend the wedding unless there can be a resolution between her and the groom. I was again flabbergasted. I would have so many questions if 2 friends would have a problem with my spouse at the same time, and would consider not coming to my wedding because of it.

I understand she is marrying this man and decided that her marriage takes precedence over the rest - fair enough - but I would find this suspicious and use it as an opportunity to dig deeper and get to bottom of the situation. I reiterated that I’m there for her, just not in a MOH capacity. We left on good terms but I wouldn’t be surprised if this marks the end of a short-lived friendship.

I later called with the other MOH to inform her about my decision. Turns out she has also been thinking of stepping down. It’s such a relief to be out of this mess. I’m not great with heavy discussions so I appreciate every one of you for pushing me to step down and speak to the bride ASAP.

EDIT: I cancelled the hotel room and let the bride know she would need to book her own rooms. She did not respond but I later received a notification that her fiancé kicked me and my husband out of the WhatsAp wedding grouo (that served as a save the date for the civil wedding). I later learned that the bride asked the other MOH to step down. She was also uninvited to the wedding.

The internet had OP's back all the way.

Claromancer wrote:

Sounds like the bride is too comfortable around drama. She isn’t curious about the details of how you were treated and also doesn’t seem to grasp the gravity of the situation. If I were in her shoes I would be freaking out and apologizing for my fiancé’s behavior (and reconsidering the relationship)

OP responded:

Same. I would want to know exactly what went on and reevaluate. Either she is complacent with his behaviour, either she turns a blind eye because she doesn’t want to face reality and jeopardize her relationship.

Crazy4Swayze420 wrote:

Have you ever considered she already knows everything and just accepts it as being okay? I agree with everything you said but all her responses tell me is she knows whats going on and just keeps picking him and ignoring the rest. That's at least what it seemed like to me from what you wrote.

OP responded:

Yes that is certainly likely. Maybe it also makes her feel special that someone is “fighting” for her and making it look as though he is putting her needs before everything else.

Helpful-act2026 wrote:

This guy sounds like a controlling sack of s#$t. And I’ll say your friend also exhibits some red flag qualities. You mentioned in your initial post that you were surprised she asked you to be MOH when you did not think of you two as being particularly close. This tells me she really doesn’t have many actual friendships and I suspect this is a result of her f--ed up relationship.

Also the fact that you told her exactly what he did and she didn’t really bat an eye or make apologies for his behavior. She’s used to it and to some degree enables it. That is some low self esteem behavior. This girl would rather marry this absolutely miserable loser and put up with emotional and controlling ab#se than face reality. Pretty sad all around. Sometimes you just have to let people fail.