My wife (50F) and I (52M) have been married for 25 years and are immensely happy. Of course, we have the normal fights: me not cleaning the bathroom, arguments about me losing money on sports betting, her spending twice as much at the shops as we agreed to, etc. - but overall, we have a really happy marriage.
Until about 8 p.m. yesterday night. Recently, we've been less romantic. I don't want to derail the post, but basically, we've naturally slowed down between the two of us in the last couple of years. This has really bothered my wife (and bothered me a bit also, I will admit). Once we vocalized the problem, we both agreed we're going to take steps to fix some things.
We talked to some doctors, and basically, all of them wanted to put my wife on some serious medications - which my wife was pretty against. This led to about a year of us trying our own things.
It's nothing crazy, literally things like vitamin D, zinc, some Lubracil softgels, maca - stuff that has been tried and tested, nothing too wild and all over-the-counter. Now, here's where things start to go downhill. So, my wife naturally takes these products around the times we're going to be getting intimate.
Now, I don't usually monitor the kitchen drawer, but sometimes I do peek (I know, but I can't help it). About three weeks ago, I noticed a ton of pills and softgels were disappearing. Thinking I'm about to have a pretty good week, I start to mentally prepare for it.
So, about a week after that, I re-check the drawer - and a ton more of the stuff has been taken. I remember thinking, "That's weird, we haven't done anything recently." About a week later, the same thing happened, tons of pills and softgels are gone. And I'm not going to lie, I start to get in my head a bit.
Last night, my wife and I are out to dinner. After a couple of glasses of wine, I ask my wife why she's been taking so much of the stuff in the drawer without trying for any intimacy. I asked from an angle of both worry (mostly for health) and confusion.
Immediately, my wife gets insanely defensive, blows off the conversation, and tells me she isn't talking about it. This, of course, makes it the only thing I want to talk about, and while I respect everyone's "I don't want to talk about this," I think something like this should probably be discussed.
I press a bit, and for about an hour, she's not having this convo. Basically, it gets to the point where I just blatantly ask my wife if she's seeing other people. My wife, who has NEVER been aggressive or loud, starts basically screaming at me in this Italian restaurant.
She tells me my daughter (25F) has been having some "relationship issues" with her boyfriend and has been taking some of the stuff to "help." I'm like, why didn't you just tell me? She goes on a rant about how some things are "girl to girl" and how my daughter didn't want her telling anyone. Which I get, but come on, I buy the things to fill the drawer.
My wife ends up leaving the restaurant mid-dinner. I've honestly never seen my wife this mad. I'm honestly a bit worried for our marriage. And to top it off, my daughter is acting awkward around me.
I get that I stepped out of line with the questioning, but the defensiveness really caught me off guard, and I would have assumed my daughter using our stuff would have been discussed (and I wouldn't have actually cared, and would have bought more stuff).
Anytime I try to talk to my wife, she makes it seem like I'm an insane out-of-control monster, that I've broken the trust in our marriage, and that I've ruined 25 years of progress we've made together. Am I crazy? I'm beyond confused right now.
My wife and I didn't go to the doctor for only "libido" issues -– I don't know the general age of, but as you get older, things like menopause and other hormonal issues become a reality (just the way of life).
I didn't "plan" on questioning my wife at dinner; it had been in the back of my head, and after a few glasses of wine, I handled the situation poorly (which I 100% agree with all of you, not the right time or place) - though we've had tough conversations before in public (still doesn't justify it).
I don't have a good reason why we keep this stuff in the kitchen, but we're kind of past the age of caring about what someone may or may not see in our home. I wasn't "monitoring" the drawer; the softgels (which we keep out of the box) come only in a 30-pill supply - half the pack or so missing (I didn't count) is very obvious even at a quick glance.
And for why I didn't automatically assume my daughter - the softgels mentioned above and some of the other stuff in there are for a specific thing (outside of the vitamins). While I don't know the ingredients too intimately, you wouldn't really expect those things to be shared.
Something’s up. That reaction is way outsized for a perfectly reasonable line of questioning when met with obstruction and obfuscation
awk_throwaway2342351 OP responded:
Seeing this as the top comment right now has me questioning so many things. I don't want to overreact right now.
Fa1thL3s5 says:
What in the multivitamin did I just read..
Inefficientfrog says:
Is there parts of this story missing? It feels like there's something missing. Why did you choose to bring this up at a restaurant? Was it to try to avoid the yelling? Did you plan on it being a fight from the start? Get your wife's side of the story and post it, we crave the drama.
TheBookofTormund says:
Something’s up. That reaction is way outsized for a perfectly reasonable line of questioning when met with obstruction and obfuscation.
Particular_Title42 says:
NTA (Not the A^&#ole). I am a little suspicious. Missing stuff requires explanation!
As for the update - I wish I had better news. After reading through the post and all the DMs everyone sent (thank you all for those) I was a bit overwhelmed and a bit confused, so I decided to just relax and really not try to jump to any conclusions through the weekend.
Many of the points that were brought up did broaden my perspective, and some of the ones assuming infidelity (I won't lie) did get to me a bit, and I was running pretty high anxiety-wise. Realize, at this point, me, my wife, and my daughter - still aren't talking.
Our home has suddenly become one of the most lonely, isolating and awkward places in the world. Sunday night, while watching some basketball, I basically just thought to myself "I can't go on like this."
So, I went and talked to my daughter. I approached the conversation in a "You know you can talk to me about anything, and if you and your boyfriend were having issues, I would be glad to buy you guys more stuff."
My daughter just starts to seemingly breakdown, to an almost uncontrollable sob.
I'll be honest, I thought at this point she was going to inform me on some serious medical issues or something.
Once she calmed down, she basically says that she's taken some of the Vitamin D and Zinc before, but has never taken any of the other things.
I look at her with that "do you realize what that may mean" kind of look, and we just hugged, and cried together.
I've spoken to some of my friends who have gone through similar things, and have gotten advice from lawyering up and divorcing my wife right away - to marriage counseling and fighting for the 25 years we've been together.
At the moment, I'm not going to do anything.
Need a bit more time to think, need to talk to my Wife and really find out what's going on.
This is probably the last update from me, as when I first came to reddit this was just a silly fight between me and my wife. Now it's progressed to a place that it's feeling a bit too private for me to share, and the above update was a bit tougher to write.
Thank you again for all your comments and perspective - you all have helped me see something that I was blind (or refusing) to see.
There is the possibility that your wife needs the supplements for her own general comfort. I'm not at menopausal age, however do have medical conditions that can cause vaginal dryness, and it can range from uncomfortable to actually painful. It's personal and can be a very touchy subject.
Not to mention the mood swings that come with menopause. Not saying cheating is completely out of the question, just saying there are other possibilities.
You’re divorcing your wife for going through menopause?