'AITA for accidentally accusing my wife of having an affair?' UPDATED
"AITA for accidentally accusing my wife of having an affair?"
Me (52M) and my (50F) wife have been married for 25 years, and are immensely happy. We of course have the normal fights: me not cleaning the bathroom, argue about me losing money on sports betting, her spending twice as much at the shops as we agreed to, etc. - but overall have a really happy marriage.
Until about 8pm yesterday night.
Recently, we've been having a bit of trouble in the bedroom. I don't want to derail the post, but basically intimacy has naturally slowed down between the two of us in the last couple years.
This has really bothered my wife (and bothered me a bit also, I will admit). Once we vocalized the problem, we both agreed we're going to take steps to fix some things.
We talked to some doctors, basically all of them wanted to put my wife on some serious medications - which my wife was pretty against.
This led to about a year of building what we call "our XXX drawer" filled of products in the kitchen that my wife has tried and tested and likes the ingredients of.
It's nothing crazy, literally things like vitamin D, zinc, some lubracil softgels, maca - stuff that has been tried and tested, nothing too wild and all OTC.
Now, here's where things start to go downhill.
So, my wife naturally takes these products around the times we're going to be getting intimate (or try).
Now, I don't like monitor the kitchen drawer but sometimes I do peak (I know, but I can't help it).
About three-ish weeks ago I noticed a ton of pills and softgels were disappearing.
Me, thinking I'm about to having a pretty good week - I start to get mentally prepared for it.
So, about a week after that, I re-check the drawer - and a ton more of the stuff has been taken. I remember thinking "that's weird, we haven't done anything recently".
About a week later, the same thing happened, tons of pills and softgels are gone. And I'm not going to lie, I get in my head a bit.
Last night, me and my wife are out to dinner. After a couple glasses of wine I ask my wife why she's been taking so much of the stuff in the XXX drawer without trying for any intimacy. I asked coming from an angle of both worry (mostly for health) and confusion.
Immediately my wife get's insanely defensive, blows off the conversation and tells me she isn't talking about it. This (of course) makes it where now it's the only thing I want to talk about, and while I respect everyones "I don't want to talk about this", I think something like this should probably be fucking discussed.
I press a bit, and for about an hour she's not having this convo. Basically, it gets to the point where I just blatantly ask my wife if she's seeing other people.
My wife, who has NEVER been aggressive or loud - starts basically screaming at me in this Italian restaurant.
She tells me my daughter (25F) has been having some "relationship issues" with her boyfriend, and has been taking some of the stuff to "help."
I'm like, why the f&$% didn't you just tell me? She goes on a rant about how some things are "girl to girl" and how my daughter didn't want her telling anyone. Which I get but come on, I buy the things to fill the drawer.
My wife ends up leaving the restaurant mid-dinner. I've honestly never seen my wife this mad, I'm honestly a bit worried for our marriage. And to top it off, my daughter is acting awkward around me.
I get that I stepped out of line with the questioning, but the defensiveness really caught me off guard, and would have assumed my daughter using our stuff would have been discussed (and I wouldn't have actually cared, and would have bought more stuff).
Anytime I try to talk to my wife, she makes it seem like I'm an insane out-of-control monster, that I've broken the trust in our marriage, and that I've ruined 25 years of progress we've made together.
Am I crazy? I'm beyond confused right now.
4 hours later OP came back with this edit:
---edit (4 hours since I posted)---
Wow, a lot of incredible information in here, thank you to everyone for your comments. This post has made me feel better, and has allowed me to think about other aspects of our marriage.
I've seen a ton of requests for info, so let me try to answer some of the questions here.
Me and my wife didn't go to the doctor for only "libido" issues - I don't know the general age of people online here, but as you get older things like menopause and other hormonal issues became a reality (just the way of life).
I didn't "plan" on questioning my wife at the dinner, it had been in the back of my head, and after a few glasses of wine I handled the situation poorly (which I 100% agree with all of you, not the right time or place) - though we've had tough conversations before in public (still doesn't justify it).
Calling it a "s$% drawer" may have been a bad name, but it's just how we reference it - we didn't really think too deeply when coming up with the name, and I don't know actually which one of us created it.
I don't have a good reason why it's in the kitchen, but we're kind of past the age of caring about what someone may or may not see in our home.
I wasn't "monitoring" the XXX drawer, the lubracil softgels (which we keep out of the box) come only in a 30 pill supply - half the pack or so missing (I didn't count) is very obvious even at a quick glance.
And for why I didn't automatically assume my daughter - the softgels mentioned above and some of the other stuff in there are for a specific thing (outside of the vitamins), while I don't know the ingredients too intimately, you wouldn't really expect those things to be shared.
And finally, for those mentioning that my wife is still actually hiding something - I appreciate your comments, and it has given me a ton to think about. While I won't jump to those type of conclusions, I do agree that there is probably more that needs to be discussed between me, my wife, and my daughter.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
[deleted]
When he said stuff from the kitchen I thought there were ladles and spatulas and whisks haha
The fact that they have pills from Walmart, but didn’t go to couples therapist…
What in the multivitamin did I just read..
5 days later OP came back with this update:
As for the update - I wish I had better news.
After reading through the post and all the DMs everyone sent (thank you all for those) I was a bit overwhelmed and a bit confused, so I decided to just relax and really not try to jump to any conclusions through the weekend.
Many of the points that were brought up did broaden my perspective, and some of the ones assuming infidelity (I won't lie) did get to me a bit, and I was running pretty high anxiety-wise.
Realize, at this point, me, my wife, and my daughter - still aren't talking.
Our home has suddenly become one of the most lonely, isolating and awkward places in the world.
Sunday night, while watching some basketball, I basically just thought to myself "I can't go on like this."
So, I went and talked to my daughter. I approached the conversation in a "You know you can talk to me about anything, and if you and your boyfriend were having sexual issues, I would be glad to buy you guys more stuff."
My daughter just starts to seemingly breakdown, to an almost uncontrollable sob.
I'll be honest, I thought at this point she was going to inform me on some serious medical issues or something.
Once she calmed down, she basically says that she's taken some of the Vitamin D and Zinc before, but has never taken any of the Lubracil or Black Cohosh.
I look at her with that "do you realize what that may mean" kind of look, and we just hugged, and cried together.
I've spoken to some of my friends who have gone through similar things, and have gotten advice from lawyering up and divorcing my wife right away - to marriage counseling and fighting for the 25 years we've been together.
At the moment, I'm not going to do anything.
Need a bit more time to think, need to talk to my Wife and really find out what's going on.
This is probably the last update from me, as when I first came to reddit this was just a silly fight between me and my wife.
Now it's progressed to a place that it's feeling a bit too private for me to share, and the above update was a bit tougher to write.
Thank you again for all your comments and perspective - you all have helped me see something that I was blind (or refusing) to see. - John