'AITA for throwing away my ex-husband’s Valentine’s gift for his affair partner?' UPDATED
"AITA for throwing away my ex-husband’s Valentine’s gift for his affair partner?"
My husband (34M) and I (38F) have been separated for a year, and the divorce was finalized last year. About three years prior, I caught him in an affair, during which he cried and promised things would change and that he would never do it again. I was stupid, believed him, and stayed.
After countless infidelities, I finally found enough sense and respect for myself to leave the relationship. This man gaslighted me to the nth degree about his affairs, to the point where he said I needed therapy for the marriage to continue due to my “false assumptions” and “questioning his trust.”
In fact, solid proof of his multiple affairs was found days after the last “You need therapy for not trusting me” speech. That was the same day I asked for a divorce. I found out through mutual friends that he is expecting, and based on the due date, their conception would have occurred while we were still together.
So there’s that. As you can imagine, this has been a lot to deal with, and having to keep in contact with him to complete divorce proceedings and remove his name from my house was painful.
Fast forward one year to today—he has not lived here for a year. This is my house; his name is not on it in any way. I still get mail for him, and I have constantly and kindly asked him via text to change his address, to which he says he did and will double-check every time.
This mail includes things like insurance cards for his new affair baby. Just last week, he picked up the last of his belongings and “important mail,” which I had held for months waiting for him to pick up. I celebrated, thinking this would be the last time I would ever need to contact or see him again.
Yesterday, I received a package, and without thinking, I opened it on my way in the door, assuming it was one of my many online purchases. Well, it was a jewelry box with two rather cheap-looking necklaces inside, something I didn’t order.
I double-checked the shipping label, and it had my ex-husband’s name. This is clearly a Valentine’s present for the new girl, as the rhinestones are green, which I immediately recognized as her birthstone.
He never ordered from this company when we were together, so I would have understood if he had an existing account with the old address, but I don’t see that as the case. At this point, I feel this is almost intentional. How many times can one put the “wrong address” on their things? This man is very much a narcissist, but even I don’t know if he would go that far or if he’s just that stupid.
Would I be the a%#^ole for throwing the whole package in the trash? I looked it up, and it was under $80—not fine jewelry by any means. Also, I really want to go no contact moving forward, so I would rather not text him if it can be avoided. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still harbor resentment and hate, but I feel guilty about not giving someone something they paid for.
Here are the top rated comments:
PrincessXDrizzlee says:
NTA. He's deliberately sending things to your address to mess with you. Throw it away and block his number. You deserve peace.
Chaoticgood790 says:
Write "return to sender" on his mail. Stop holding his s%#t. You're still the same doormat that took him back after he cheated over and over.
DoonaDazzler says:
NTA. The universe literally hand-delivered you some petty justice and you’re debating it? Girl, that package tripped and fell into the trash. Oops.
candyycutie says:
It's your house, his mail, his mistake. Throw it away. No need to contact him. NTA.
Later OP came back and gave this update:
UPDATE!! First, thank you all for all the comments reminding me that I don’t owe him anything. I don’t know why I still feel guilty for doing what I want to do. I just got home from work so as of now the package is still in my possession.
Later today the dreaded text did come; no I did not block him yet. He said he just found out they sent another package to my house, and claimed he went off on customer service for using his billing address again. I left him on read.
Interesting because this is the first package from this company to ever arrive at this house. But mostly, his billing address is still my house, he hasn’t changed it, he knows he hasn’t changed it, and he feels that’s a valid excuse for the mix up? He’s running away from tons of debt collectors, so now starting to put together to dots of why he’s not updating his address.
If it was a true mistake, part of me thought possibly he might not have the audacity to reach out to me about the gift to avoid awkwardness or shame due to the nature of the gift. I know if I was in his shoes I would have wrote that off as a loss, moved on with my life and bought a replacement to avoid the awkward and cringy conversation.
I’ve took the advice of many here and bought a return to sender stamp from Amazon to use on everything else I get from here on out. Until then I hope he doesn’t just show up at my house unannounced because I’m not sure if I’m going to respond. I’m gonna think on the package one more night before sending it into the abyss.
Additional Update for clarity on the affair baby:
I’m getting a lot of questions on the timeline of affair baby. The baby was born last year. Calculating conception date based on the due date, he knocked her up while we were still married. I didn’t say conception based on birth date because baby was born 3 months early.
How did I find out? Friends on social media.
How did I know the details? He told me. Info overshared in several of his excuses as to why he couldn’t meet with the estate attorney back when I was removing him from the home’s deed. More info than I would have ever cared to know.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
DO NOT THROW IT AWAY! That is a federal offenses. Return it to sender. Just mark it "Does not live at this address" and put it back in the mailbox or drop it at the post-office. He'll get it back eventually, but probably long after the holiday passes
So I’ve discovered that if it’s addressed to my home, even if the name is incorrect, legally I own it. If the address doesn’t match my home but it gets misdelivered, then it’s tampering. So no legal repercussions from tossing.
Just send in a change of address for him!!! That’d be so helpful!!! Forgot to add NTA!!!
A lot of people saying this, I don’t know his new address. But I think I might forward everything to his mother.