'My girlfriend broke down in tears after I told her how I spend my money is none of her business. AITA?'
"My girlfriend broke down in tears after I told her how I spend my money is none of her business. AITA?"
So I (22M) have been dating my girlfriend (22F) for about two years. Our relationship is good, and I handle pretty much all the financial side of things, dates, groceries, little gifts, all of it. My girlfriend does chip in occasionally too and I’m grateful for that too. We don’t live super lavishly, so the fancy stuff is reserved for actual special occasions.
Now, the important context, I have a sister (21F) who I’m close with. We grew up as orphans and were raised by our uncle and aunt who viewed us as a burden and it was rough.
Because of that, my sister and I kind of became each other’s emotional support system. Ever since I started earning money at 15, I always spoil my sister whenever I can, and she does just as much for me. She’ll drop by my apartment with homemade pasta or pies or cookies, she buys me gifts randomly, and we’ve always just taken care of each other.
Yesterday was her birthday, and I bought her a designer purse that she’s been eyeing for a while. The party was fine, there was no drama, and we all had a great time.
But when my girlfriend and I got back home, she asked me how much I spent on the purse, and then followed that up by asking why I couldn’t “put that money into us” instead and take her on fancy dates more often.
I’m not gonna lie, that sort of got under my skin. I told her that I already contribute to almost everything financially in this relationship, and that at 22 we don’t need fancy dates every weekend.
I also told her that she doesn’t get to dictate how I spend my money, especially when it comes to my sister. I told her she was really spoiled and ungrateful and to have some shame because financially she contributes nothing to this relationship. I regretted some of the words I said but I was drunk and emotions were high, and what my girlfriend said wasn’t ok at all.
She ended up apologizing a lot and then started crying pretty badly, I felt bad and consoled her but I also told her that she has no right to control how I spend my money just like I have no right to control how she spends her money. We’re only 22. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. You're already contributing more to the relationship than she is, and she isn’t entitled to decide what you do with your own money. It sounds like she’s jealous of your sister because you bought her a designer bag, and that’s what triggered her reaction.
Yeah dude you’re fine. She prob saw that bag and instantly felt threatened or whatever, but that’s her own thing to unpack. Doesn’t mean she gets to tell you where ur paycheck goes. You didn’t cross a line.
FamiliarBreaks (OP)
Yup, I love her a lot but what she said definitely caught me off guard. She isn’t a gold digger like I’ve seen some people say below, because when we started dating I was barely making any money, and she also contributes to this relationship in a lot of other ways.
But what triggered me was when was she bought up my sister, this is not the first time she’s made some weird comments about her and like our close sibling bond. I just don’t understand why a girlfriend would be jealous of a sister of all people, and my sister is super nice and sweet to her so yeah the whole thing is confusing for me, I’ll never understand it.
NTA why is she not contributing more if you live together? It sounds like you do, she's getting off lightly here. You were right to tell her to mind her own business.
Why are you funding an entire relationship completely + buying designer bags for your sister at 22? Unless you're super well off for your age, that just sounds fiscally irresponsible.
You're not the jerk for what you said, but you definitely are for how you said it. These conversations are definitely better had while sober. You would have been better served to have told her that this was not the time to have this conversation and perhaps tomorrow morning might be a better time.
As far as finances go, if you choose to manage the money, assuming you two live together that's fine. But once a ring goes on a finger, the finances become a joint venture and deserve a deeper conversation.
Not the jerk at all. Once you are engaged or married I could see it but just dating no. And you are correct on the not needing lavish dates. I get the feeling that you both want different things in life.
Once you are engaged or that’s when the discussion of how money needs to be saved and spent. I had been married for almost 20 years and then we got a divorce.
I made sure that when I went on dates that he understood that I trade off who pays or we each pay for ourselves. I am not out to date for dinner lol. Just something that is important to me. Think about what is important to you and are you truly compatible.
It's not about the money, your girlfriend wants reassurance that she is your priority. I imagine you and your sister put a lot of effort into your relationship with each other and have loads of inside jokes and share a big part of your lives with each other that you don't share with your girlfriend.
She wants reassurance that what you have with her is also special and emotionally deep. Your response about how you pay the bills and do the day to day with her, may not have the same meaning as your attention to your sisters wants and needs in the eyes of your girlfriend. In summary she's a little jealous and feels second best.